These past couple weeks life has been a complete roller coaster. My anxiety and depression are all over the place as well as uncertainty and a lack of hope and purpose. I guess I have been second guessing everything I have been doing. When I really stop and try to see what this all stems from, it comes from a place of control. You see, if I can control what is going on around me, then I can control the depression, the anxiety, the physical pain that comes with a flare of one of my many medical conditions. If I can just gain the upper hand, then I can somehow maneuver through what ever may come. Then the truth hits and before you know it, I am in the middle of the valley, drowning in a mud puddle of uncertainty on which way to move forward. No matter how much control I think I have, the reality is that I have none. I have no control over what may come jumping out of me when I finally emerge from the puddle, I am in. I eventually am gonna have to make a move. I can’t stay here forever, but which way to I go? Then A small voice comes in and says, be still and know. The thing is I don’t know!!!! I don’t know anything right now except the hurt and pain. The overwhelming emotions that leave me crying at the drop of a single look or word from someone has me consumed. How can I be still and know?
To be still means to stop and pray right? Stop and pray. I can do that, but what if its more than that. What if I stop and pray and don’t plan? Don’t do anything? Don’t plan the next step. Don’t worry about making sure everyone is happy. Don’t worry about the dishes, the laundry, the grocery list. Just stop everything and be still until God says something to me. Just pray and wait. Is that even a logical step to take? My family expects to have their clothes cleaned for work tomorrow, their dinner ready when they get home. Maybe to be still means to stop all expectation, to stop all control of making others happy and just stop. Just pray, wait and see who comes through the door. Wait and see who calls and checks on you today. Who comes to you to vent or talk. What if today, you just be still and do nothing!
Nothing, is a big word! Doing nothing can be scary at times. I have ADD and doing nothing is not an easy thing for me to do. I am always moving, cleaning, checking off a list of things that need to be done. To do nothing is not easy for me, but what if that is just what my body and mind need me to do to slow down my emotional side. Let everything just come to a stop until you know the next move to make. To stop all the chaos in your mind so you can hear God speak to you! The drive for control is so strong, that it drowns out the voice of reason within me. The hard part to see is the humility it is gonna take to admit that I need to do it. I may not be able to control everything around me, but I can control my prayer life and my stillness.
Dear Heavenly Father, I ask you today to forgive me of all my sins and wipe my slate clean. Forgive me for trying to control everything and help me Lord to be still. Calm my body and my spirit. Show me the next step to take and have confidence to know it is your will and not mine. Help quiet my mind Lord and be okay with letting things go today until I can hear your loving spirit again. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.
On most given days, you will find me running around doing multiple projects, chores, and errands. I struggle with the desire to feel accomplished. To have the feeling, that I spent my day with great purpose; but at the end of the day, it is a never-ending pit that cannot be filled. I get caught in this trap so often. This trap that my day is only successful as long as I can show progress. Running on a high of emotions that come with being productive. Then after a night of rest, the morning comes and the high of emotion from the previous day is gone, and I start the cycle over. The cycle of being productive to obtain that feeling of great accomplishment that is only temporary.
There are several issues that come with this cycle. First, it requires me to spend a great amount of time in my head. Thinking, planning, and organizing my time to be the most productive. Always knowing the next step in front of me. Second, it consumes my entire day, week, month. Third, it leaves no room for any other joy in my life. No free time, no vacations, no spur of the moment visits or phone calls to others. Lastly, it leaves no time for the Lord. No time to spend with him in word and prayer, and no time to listen and be filled with the comforter to help guide me in my day. What do you mean “The Comforter”? That is a great question. Did you know the comforter is also called the Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit? Jesus made a promise that when he ascended into heaven, he would send a comforter to us…
And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. John 14:16-18
But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. John 14:26
What I love about these verses, is we not only have the promise from Jesus of the comforter, but we have the knowledge of what the comforter will do for us. The comforter, the Holy Spirit will come to us upon our belief in God as found also in John 7:39 (But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive: for the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.) We will have him forever and he will dwell with us forever. Then we also see that the Holy Spirit has the ability to teach us all things, and bring all to remembrance. What? That is a two-fold deal right there. So, what does that mean?
It means that upon belief in the Lord we will have the comforter with us forever, but if you have the comforter and add studying God’s word, prayer and worship you can be filled with the comforter.
Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you. And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: Of sin, because they believe not on me; Of righteousness, because I go to my Father, and ye see me no more; Of judgment, because the prince of this world is judged. I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come. He shall glorify me: for he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you. John 16:7-14
To have the spirit is the promise of salvation by Jesus himself, but to be filled with the spirit is an opportunity of honor and responsibility as believers in Christ. We are baptized in the spirit as a symbolism of having the spirit, but the promise of being filled gives us the access to the power of God. That access is presented to us in the form of God word. Through His word he can guide us, speak to us, and show us His love and plan for our lives. It is up to us to take the time to read, study, and pray and worship. By doing this we all have the chance to be filled with the Comforter (Spirit).
So, today my goal is to get out of my head, stop planning for productivity, and sit for awhile with the Lord and be filled with the spirit through studying his word, prayer and worship with music and song as I go throughout my day. It is a better feeling to be filled with the spirit so I can listen and let him guide my day, than it is to chase that feeling of productivity that will fade with the sun.
First, I must say that I am not a medical professional and if you suspect you may be suffering from PTSD and CPTSD please seek medical help. This article is to take a peek at the terminology and my own personal trauma and struggles.
Complex PTSD is a new term in the medical field and one you do not hear much about. I think as my generation and the ones behind me mature, it will become more commonly used and talked about. We associate PTSD with combat warriors that have come home from war after experiencing a traumatic event. It is easy for us to understand if the traumatic event involves some kind of physical affliction, but the truth is it most commonly appears in those without external blemish or scar. To understand this, we must first understand there are 4 different bodies that make up our one. In my book I describe these and touch on them, but today I am just going to touch a little on them. They are:
Physical Body
Mental Body
Spiritual Body
Emotional Body
Each of these bodies represent us as a whole. I believe they are intertwined and when healing the body, we must treat all areas and not just one. Our medical field and insurance companies are not set up this way. To get help in all areas at the same time cost a fortune, takes applications and multiple physicians and often people do not get the help they need to heal. For PTSD sufferers, I believe the trauma they have experience affects the mental body due to a threat to the physical body of ourselves or others we are close to. A continued state of arousal to protect the physical body messes with our Mental stability while triggering an emotional response. I call it survival mode. PTSD is used to describe those who have suffered one life altering event, while Complex PTSD is used to describe those who have suffered a series of life altering events that have occurred over an extended period of time. Those life altering events keep you in a heightened state of survival mode. Fear of what will come next, constantly being proactive to avoid the next round of mental threat or physical blow to your person. While at the same time keeping your emotional body under control. Sounds very complicated right?
In my personal experience I could never understand why my anxiety and depression appeared when it did in my life. Let alone extreme panic episodes where my body felt like it was so out of control. Why at this time in my life was this happening? Some call it a “midlife crisis”, others call it a “mental break down.” For me I call it my “had enough alarm.” My body simply had enough trauma that it was overwhelmed and could not deal with any more. I learned that my bucket was overflowed. My body had dealt with so much that my mind could not take on anymore. The series of things I experienced in my life and the order in which they arrived, left me in a state of constant survival mode. Everything triggered me. I never realized it before this happened, but I always sit in the corner of a room with my back to the wall. Loud noises and especially yelling or arguing triggered my defenses as well as my severe need to put walls up and not trust anyone. I trusted no one and had a right not to. I had been hurt over and over again. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
First, it started with sexual abuse as a child. When that person was finally out of reach, in enter this smooth-talking teenage guy who gave me the attention and affection I so strongly needed. Until my naivety with men and relationships found me pregnant at the age of 14. 14 and pregnant and I was trapped. I was told that this man would be in my life forever and I had to make the best of it. So, I did. Within a month of finding out I was pregnant; he was living with me and I made the best of it. Little did me or my family know that path we would go down from that day forward. To make the story short. I loved him dearly and I think at one time he loved me too, but something changed in him. He became very mean and emotionally abusive. He started drinking all the time and I found myself at 15 and 16 taking him to bars and being his DD. (Yes, there are bars in the backwoods that will allow teenagers in.) We fought constantly as well as with my parents. He would leave and come back a total of 13 times in our relationship. He dated almost every one of my friends till I had very few people I could trust or count on. He told me I was a tramp, and no one would want me when he got done with me. That I was used goods. That I was stupid and ugly. Most of all he said that no one liked me, and no one could stand me. They all just put up with me because they had to. That he was only with me to get what he could from me. I believed him. I believed it all. When he told me that last statement, I found my exiting backbone and proceeded to the closes exit. On my way out the door, he would threaten my families lives, my child’s safety in my arms, and my reputation in the community. It became a toxic relationship to me and threatened my security and mental well being. Little did I know at the age of 16 how this man that I had loved so dearly, could impact my life and mental health indefinitely.
From there I finally gained some independence. I worked to graduate from High school as well as take some college courses while holding down a manager job for a local fast-food chain. I finally felt like I had some control over my choices and circumstances. I met my husband at the age of 18 and got married to him at the age of 20. He was a breath of fresh air. I had found someone who truly loved me and support me. I would not realize the extent until late in life, but God gave him to me and His timing was impeccable, but I never did stop looking over my back. I Never knew when chaos would come around the corner and destroy what happiness I had. Even when me ex finally signed his parental rights away. I still worried he would enter and turn it all upside down. Then at the age of 22 and the birth of my second child my life took another turn. Illness.
At the age of 15 I struggled with a heart arrythmia that was brought on due to stress. A Benign condition that I dint’ know was benign until 23 years later. Then I was diagnosed with cystic acne and had nickel size pockets of infection appear on my face. Then at the age 22 I became pregnant with my youngest son and was extremely sick for the whole 9 months. When he was 5 months old, I was diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis. I spent 10 years struggling with the disease that later became ulcerative colitis as well as IBS. Then came migraines, then Interstitial cystitis, with minor bouts of depression creeping in. Then I struggled with Gastritis and GERD with a sore throat I could not get to go away. Six years struggling with this sore throat, and finding a doctor that would believe it was not all in my head, I was finally diagnosed with a positive blood test for Sjogren’s Syndrome. But my victory was not accepted well. During this six year I had my tonsils removed, my gallbladder removed, had to leave my job, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. But that’s not all folks. I also had an extreme flare of endometriosis which led to 3 more surgeries in six months. Exploratory surgery for diagnosis, a complete hysterectomy and later a pelvic mass that enveloped one of my tubes that went from my kidney to my bladder. Six weeks post op I mentally crashed. You see, just before my last surgery my doctors pulled me off all depression and anxiety medications to let my body detox because I was struggling to find a medicine that would help with my depression. I tried out-patient group therapy, but I was too far gone at that point. The trauma of all these threats to my physical body played its toll on my mental stability and I finally checked myself into the hospital for help. From there I was diagnosed with insomnia, unspecified panic disorder, major depression disorder, and later Complex PTSD.
My body will attack itself without warning. The wonder gift of multiple autoimmune disorders. The food I eat, the environment I’m in, and the stress I experience. They all have an influence whether or not I will experience any physical pain today. The more I try to avoid the physical pain the more anxious I become. Sometimes I will be eating and become extremely nauseous and start shaking, because my subconscious brain is triggered by knowing that food alone will make me sick today. Sometimes it can be a group of people that are loud, or the threat of a stomach bug or another migraine. Years of not being in control. Years of physical pain. Years of traumatic experience and medical diagnosis left me with a beautiful mixed up brain and a diagnosis of Complex PTSD.
I never thought it could happen but I do have better days than not. It is absolutely amazing how much a person can go through both physically, mentally, and emotionally and still come out on top. This is where my spiritual body comes into play. The spiritual body is where my core belief systems lies. With lots of class on coping skills and counseling, as well as bible studying, I have a foundation that I can put my trust and faith in. “I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me,” Philippians 4:13. Before I was wandering around struggling to trust, and a mind so confused by the chaos and mixed up core beliefs, I could not move forward. Today I find myself repeating three verse. These verses are my heart and soul of what I strive to keep my faith in every day. As well as Philippians 4:13:
“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that loves God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered awhile, make you perfect, establish, and strengthen, settle you.” 1 Peter 5:10
These are the truths I hold dear and make my foundation. It gives me hope. Hope to embrace the struggle, hope it will not be forever, hope there is a purpose in it. One of the biggest truths for me to accept is that I will struggle with this all my life. The goal is not to avoid it or cure it, but to accept it as part of who I am and learn to live with it. Not as a burden on my back, but as a strengthening tool necessary for my next steps in life. Right now, that next step is to share with you and let you know there is hope and you are not alone. To Edify you and instill you with love and hope for a brighter day that is ahead. With God you are strong enough to live with your trauma and let it raise you up with purpose.
What truths do you hold onto that help you in your struggle this day? I would love to hear them!
Be perfect, be normal, be regular. These are statements we all hear on a daily basis. An expectation to be perfect and act perfect and make perfect decisions and choices. The pressure to never make a mistake, because if we do, we are judged and put in a box that says, “weak, unworthy, unlovable.”
Most of all is the expectation to be perfect as a Christian. Perfect as a witness for God. Perfect as a virtuous woman. Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe you’re a man and you feel the pressure to be the perfect spiritual leader in your house, the perfect deacon at church, or the perfect witness on your job sight. Why do we do this? Because we have a core belief that the Bible says once you’re a believer in God you must be perfect all the time. Especially as a confessed believer, because if you don’t the fear of making a mistake will lead others astray, kill your witness, or keep you from God’s forgiveness. Well, in my searching of the Bible I have found this core belief to not be so accurate. As well as my personal experience with forgiveness.
I got pregnant at the age of 14. One of the most unforgiveable, unworthy things a young lady can ever do. By getting pregnant I was looked upon very negatively by most all people. I was judged without anyone ever trying to get to know me. I was called a whore, a promiscuous girl, a tramp. I lost friendships and was dissuaded from participating in anything biblically related. Instead of being tagged with a scarlet “A” on my chest, I felt like I carried a scarlet “P”. As though I had a disease that could be caught. Most importantly, with the tag on my chest I could walk into a room and everyone could participate in the only cure for my transgressions. That cure was judgment and isolation. One action, one choice, one vulnerable moment and I was put into a box. The box that says, “weak, unworthy, unlovable.” Not by the unconfessed sinners of my life. Oh no! I became a knew person in their eyes, but to the eyes of my fellow believers I was trash.
My so-called perfect image was lost forever and I would spend many hours, weeks and days trying to gain forgiveness. The only way to forgiveness and acceptance was to regain my perfect status. To be perfect all the time, and make no unforgivable choices from that day forward. Well, that was a bust. It wasn’t long and before I knew it, I would make another choice, and another that would be deemed as wrong. It wasn’t an action as big as getting pregnant, but it was how I handled the trauma and life altering events in my life that everyone disagreed on how I should handle it. There was no perfect solution, and no matter what I did someone would get hurt. Until…
Until I made a decision one dark night in the woods, holding my 3-month-old son, running from the chaos that had become my life. Every decision was going to be a mistake no matter what way I looked at it. I knew if I was going to give this dear child a life of love and acceptance something had to change. That something was me. From that night forward I chose to take one step closer to God. To make God the Lord of my life, not just the Lord of my soul. I was saved at the age of 9. My salvation did not keep me from making many imperfect decisions. But my salvation did allow me to be forgiven. It did allow me the right to call upon my heavenly father and have a direct relationship with him.
Till this day I still struggle with perfectionism. I think it is something I will always struggle with. When my life took another turn a few years ago all the trauma and life experience I went through caught up with me. I experience major bouts of depression and overwhelming anxiety. With this struggle I made another decision to get as close to God as I could, no matter the cost. I did this by reading His word and searching for truth. Truth to what he really sees as perfection. What His expectations of me really were. And I found these verses with a few more.
Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect (Thoroughly complete) in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21
As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? Or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength an maketh my way perfect (my life, my journey, without spot, and complete). Psalm 18:30-32
God’s blood alone makes me perfect. With me accepting His sacrifice of his son and choosing to live my best life as a Christian, God works his will. God doesn’t say we need to be perfect. God says He is perfect and if we trust in him, he will give us the strength to battle this life and through our journey He will make our lives complete and perfect. It takes a journey. A lifetime of learning. It takes time in your life to grow and complete you. The potter is patient and willing to keep trying no matter how many times we flatten out and fail to stand. All the experiences, the imperfections, the judgement from others has grown me and my relationship with the Lord. It has caused me to search for answers and with that search has come a life not worried so much about being perfect. Let face it, there is no way I will ever be perfect in everyone’s eyes. The more I try the more I fail. Instead of wasting my time trying to be perfect, I will spend my time living like I am loved and forgiven. So, in order to be perfect in God’s eyes I will move forward in my relationship with him. First to be humble and honest for my choices and who I am as a person. Once I became honest, the Lord was able to move in my life in ways I never thought possible. I am free to be me! Flaws and all, and as I grow in my relationship with God, everything just comes together. I can’t explain how, but I can encourage and support you in your journey to lay perfection aside and embrace this wonderful freedom you can have in Christ.
P.S. Notice I didn't use the word mistake, but imperfect choices. I do not believe my son was a mistake and will never use that title to describe him. Both of my children are a blessing from God. Through trusting me with their lives and upbringing it has brought me closer to Him and shown me how much love plays an impact our our lives in the most beautiful ways. At the age of 38 I had a complete hysterectomy due to sever endometriosis. My doctor said it was the worse case she had seen in 10 years and couldn't have had more children if I wanted them. He gave me a blessing when I didn't know I would have wanted or needed it. God is good all the time!
As a person dealing with mental health issues, I often find teachings of the bible as a “you should do this and you should do that” or else you’re not a Christian. When I am faced with should and should nots, I feel a pressure to conform or else. Often times I find that preachers and teachers use a fear approach to get those to convert to God’s ways. In my struggle with depression and anxiety the people that have used fear are all about control. I am not saying that those who use fear don’t have the right motives behind what they are doing, but what I think is important to know is when you are dealing with people who suffer with constant fear already, adding more fear only alienates you more from being able to help them.
The Bible has 365 references that say, “do not fear”. One for each day of the year. Yet, the Bible also says to, “fear the Lord”. At first, I found this to be contradictor to each other. What is it that God is really trying to say? If you want my honesty, here it is…fearing God with every decision I make and every turn that I take has often led me to become a pile of shaking, nausea, don’t want to leave the house, and don’t want any responsibility in making any decisions kind of mess. Because the truth is, I do fear the Lord. I fear if I don’t act a certain way, I will lose my witness. If I don’t behave a certain way, God will take me out of this world and define me as useless. I fear if I teach and misquote anything, then I am wrong and God will be angry and will punish me with some life altering event to teach me a lesson. I fear if I can’t use my talents, God will take them away from me. I fear if I am not a good enough mother, wife, daughter, Christian, (virtuous women) I will suffer great lose and heartache and go to hell. These are things I have heard in sermons all my life and hear in everyday conversations about people who have suffering on a daily basis. It is all their fault because they have not feared and listened. They should have done this or should have done that. Another great truth is I cannot live this way and leave my house, let alone my bedroom. The constant fear and pressure to conform and act a particular way is not a reality I can or want to live in. So, how do I move forward?
First, I gain new ground, new perspective. When I read and study my Bible fear is not a tactic, I believe, God wants us to use to control others or ourselves. To control how we think, how fast we move toward a decision, how we should operate our daily lives. This I am most certain of, because if this was how God wanted my life to be controlled then it would come with great joy and happiness, because I know that when I am in God’s will, then I am experiencing true joy in my life. If I am not experiencing that joy and happiness then what I am doing and how I am processing is not in God’s will. So, what is the opposite of fear? LOVE! That is right, love is the opposite of fear. Not faith, not performance, not a should and should not list, but love.
“He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.” 1 John 4:8
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.” 1 John 4:18
I encourage you to go read the whole chapter of 1 John 4, and see how important love is to God. I believe that it is the most important thing to God. But these two verses stuck out to me. You see if God is love, and perfect love casteth out fear, then we can know that God does not desire us to live in fear of Him, but in awe of His love! God does not want us to fear what this life holds for use, because His love is stronger than anything else we may experience or go through. Ya’ll love is the key!
God create you! He loves you as you are. There are not stipulations to His love. It is free and all we have to do is accept it and believe it. Think about the love you have for someone. I think of the love I have for my children. There is not a battle I would not walk through, a sickness I would not take from them, time I would not give up to spend with them, sacrifices I would not make to let them know how much I love them. Now multiply that by 100. This is what God’s love would do for you. It will sacrifice his only son to be crucified for your wrong doings, it will never leave you nor forsake you no matter what, he will never hide from you, he will never forget you. Just like Elisha he will send out an army to rescue you from your darkest night. There is no distance He will not come to help you. God’s love is a love we cannot comprehend and will never find in this world.
I have seen the quote on pictures and key chains and such that say “faith over fear”, or “let your faith be bigger than your fear” and to be honest this makes my blood boil a little. Because it insinuates that if we only have enough faith then we would not be experiencing fear. It gives blame, where blame is not needed. All the amount of faith required for us to have is a mustard seed. The truth is we will experience fear in our life the same as we will experience anger, sadness, and happiness. It is part of our world that we live in and this world is not a fear free environment. What we can have hope in is that love is bigger than any fear we have. God’s love for us, his sacrifice of his only son, puts love at the top of the leader board in success. Love does not give us a do and do not list, or a should and should not list or else. Love does not say if only you do this or that then you deserve to be loved. Love is a free gift. A free gift we get from God and a free gift we give to others. So today go out and love that person who is struggling with mental health issues. Love yourself for the struggle you are facing. Let God’s love carry you through your moments of fear. Let your Love and God’s love for you be bigger than your fear! Love takes time and patience. The result, unlike fear, is a long-lasting result that produces joy. Most importantly hope! To fear God does not mean to be scared of Him and His power. To fear God is to be in awe of Him and the Love He has for us!
When I think about meditation, I think of a man sitting in ceremonial robes, cross legged, on a bunch of pillows with his hands on his knees, eyes closed, and making a constant noise of a low hum. “How is this helping him at all?” I say to myself. “He looks like an idiot.” At least that is what I have grown up thinking because in our culture it is not something we consider normal. Normal. That word literally makes me start to sweat and a slight tremor creeps up from somewhere deep inside. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and concentrate. Concentrate on my breathing, and not on the fact that normal is not something I can live up to.
You see, meditation is not about an action to show everyone that we have it all together or we are in control. It’s is also not about a religious ceremony or tradition. Meditation is about training our minds to slow down and think of only one thing at a time. To concentrate on the moment we are living in, and not on the things around us that we cannot control. It is also about making our body and muscles relax. To cast off the burden of being normal and embrace the person God intended us to be. I can’t tell you how many times a day I have to stop and close my eyes and just relax all my muscles. My husband is constantly telling me to stop frowning. Because I am so in my head that every muscle in my face is contracted and tense. I wish I wasn’t this way, but the fact is that I am. I have spent countless hours trying to control this about me with no avail. So instead, I will accept it and take time through out my day to just slow everything down and give my mind a break. A break. I have found there is nothing more important than to give my mind permission to take a break. The expectation we live in to constantly be in control and have it all together makes our minds constantly working in high gear with no brakes in sight. When I close my eyes to rest at night, my mind still goes wide open, because without any breaks in the day it has learned to never rest. If God rested on the 7th day of creation, then why is it that we won’t take the time to rest also. The man upstairs left us a pattern to follow for a reason. If we would have been trained as children to slow down and take a mental break, we would not think of it as such a foreign idea. Our bodies would already be used to it and the struggle to place this in our daily schedules would not feel impossible. So, starting today I will take a break for my mind. I will meditate. Meditate on 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can smell, 2 things I can feel, and I verse to set me back on my way. Before I know it, I will have 10 minutes of not thinking about my worries, my anxiety, my troubles, or what I can control. If I am tense all over, I will meditate on relaxing my muscles starting with my feet, and working my way up. Or, I will set a timer and just concentrate on my breathing. My favorite is to count all my blessings. The options for meditating or endless. Needing meditation is not about being weak, but about taking a break and renewing your mind. It is smart, and it gives us strength to endure our next few hours until we meditate again. A time to get out of our heads and into the moment. Before you know it you will have trained your brain to concentrate in positive areas of your life and the days won’t look so grim.
Tell me what meditations work for you?
And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is good (benefit), and acceptable (agreeable), and perfect (growth in mental and moral character), will of God. Romans 12:2
Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8
How do you know when fear is running your life? I don’t think running your life is the right word, but I am having one of those days that I just can’t seem to come up with the right words to get out what I want to say. I don’t think fear runs your life, but I do think that it consumes your thoughts, then from your thoughts into your decisions, then from your decisions to your actions. I think fear is a process. It’s like a seed being planted and your mind throws fertilizer and water on it. It starts out small and can escalate into something big. I also think there are those out there that have had such traumatic experiences that a person’s subconscious mind plunges them into a pit of fear at the first trigger of danger. It’s a defense mechanism the body automatically controls for you. I experience both kinds of episodes and it makes it really hard to calm my mind. To get my mind to slow down and concentrate on one thing.
When I first starting having panic episodes my family would say, “You need to get ahold of yourself.” All that did was bring on another wave of panic and make me feel alone. Getting ahold of myself IS the problem. I feel so out of control that the more I try to get in control the worse I become. Its more than me trying to control my emotions, it’s a knee jerk response my body plunges into at the first sign of a trigger. I think trying to figure out what a trigger is, is just as hard as calming my body down. So, I ask myself, not only what do you fear, what is danger in your mind? Most importantly, what is it in the last 24 hours that made your body kick into a defensive stance? You see, something happened yesterday that altered my mood. Instead of it being one thing, I think it was more than that.
Yesterday, I was telling someone about my blog and website. My excitement has had me running around smiling for weeks now. Everyday I feel more and more excited about this book God gave me to write. The conversations and post I have read give me hope that it will help others. Then this person (whom I will call Mo) said, “Well have you ever thought about podcast, because podcast is more popular than blogs right now.” I know Mo wasn’t trying to downplay all that I was doing at that time, but trying to encourage me to move forward and show me my options were endless. Mo continued to say, “I can see you sitting around talking freely about mental health and I think a lot of people would listen to it.” Mo was encouraging and trying to be helpful, but something in me didn’t take it that way. Ya’ll it took me 2 weeks to get my website together not including the 2 weeks before that it took me to create an author face book page, and Instagram page, a support group page. Then I am still trying to figure out how to connect them. Most troubling is managing them. I think all of the sudden I became overwhelmed with the possibilities. My mood went from living on a joyful note, to all the sudden being very unsure if I was doing the right thing. Did I just spend a month of my life wasting it on all the other media avenues when they are a dying source? The agonizing moments it took me of learning to make these pages and websites are they all for nothing?
Then, that afternoon I made a post on a support group, and got no response. I was instantly defeated. What’s the point? This is never gonna reach anyone, no one cares, and I am wasting my time. The thoughts kept coming and coming until I was on a train going nowhere but in circles. The cortisol started flowing and I am so alert everything is catching my attention and I am overwhelmed and my mind is racing. I needed to get off this train. So, I started telling myself that it was okay. I call it self-talk. Then I named off some other authors who didn’t get noticed in their first year of publishing a book. Let alone 1 book. It took them many books and time. I need to give it time. Most importantly, I needed to let God do it. There are so many things out of my control that I need to let loose and let God take this where He wants this to go. Not me. I needed to slow my mind down and listen. The best way to slow my mind down was to watch that train go by. Tell it I didn’t need the ride, because God’s coming with a Plane that will take me to places and sights, I can’t dream of. Most importantly I needed to believe this so it would stick. I remember a couple of my favorite verses and I am filled with hope.
"For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end." Jeremiah 29:11
"And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose" Romans 8:28
So how do I know when fear is planting a seed? For me, its when that train of thought comes and I struggle to let it go. Or, I am triggered by an event or situation and my body is in automatic response. It’s like being thrown on a fast-moving train without warning. Sometimes I am already on it and speeding down the tracks wide open before I know what’s going on. Instead of getting mad at myself, I do the opposite. I commend myself for recognizing it and I slowing get off the train with thoughts of what’s in front of me or thoughts of truth. For truth will set you free. I will definitely ride that train a few more times today before I lay my head down to try and rest. So, I will continue to get off that train with care. Care for my situation, care for my state of mind, and care with kind words and encouragement for myself. Before I know it, I will be concentrating on what’s in front of me and not on what I cannot control.
“Then said Jesus to those Jews which believed on him, if ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” John 8:31-32
I never have understood why the change of season is so drastic for me, but as fall looms in I feel this overwhelming sadness creep in. I wonder if it’s the passing of time. You know when you have to say goodbye to the old and move on to the new? There is a mist that comes over my eyes as I reminisce the happy and sad times of summer. Yet, I don’t feel as if that is quite it. I ponder it as I eat my breakfast and get ready to start my day. I hate when I know there is something bothering me and I can not put my finger on it. What could it be? So, I brain storm some ideas and see what emotions follow. Brainstorm. Now that is a dangers thing for me. I start thinking about sad things. Like the cold, the dreaded holidays, time change, stuck indoors, and did I mention the cold? Then I end up thinking about happy things like chili, hot chocolate, snuggling into a warm blanket, clean crisp air, and beautiful leaves of all colors. Then I switch back and think of the winter to follow and dread creeps in.
I know its more than about the weather that bothers me, it is only temporary for goodness sake. Then it hits me and the realization makes me breath a sigh of relief. It’s the fear of being stuck. Stuck in doors, stuck in the cold, stuck waiting for the holidays to come and go. Its more than being stuck, it’s a sense of feeling trapped. The fact is the change in weather forces me to have to work harder at finding a happy and peaceful state. Being stuck in the cycle of forcing myself to be happy gets exhausting. I just got into the groove of summer and found a happy space and now I can’t seem to muster up the energy it will take for me to adjust to a new norm. Why can’t things just stay the same? Why do things have to change? Change. Now there is a scary word! Change takes me from being safe and secure to the front lines of not knowing what will happen next. Let’s just face it! We are still in 2020 the definition of change, fear of the unknown, and chaos have been at every turn. Now we throw in a season change and I am hanging on by a thread. How can I adjust and prepare for this change? I look up at the clock and stare at it, pondering these very words. Then I focus closely on the words written on it. “To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” What? There is purpose for this season? Not just a change in weather, but a true purpose for why I struggle with change? Surely not! I really don’t see how anything good can come out of a struggle. So, I will investigate further and see if any clarity will come.
“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born… a time to die; a time to plant…a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill… a time to heal; a time to break down… a time to build up; a time to weep… a time to laugh; a time to mourn… a time to dance; a time to cast stones… a time to gather stones; a time to embrace… a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get… a time to lose; a time to keep… a time to cast away; a time to rend… a time to sew; a time to keep silence… a time to speak; a time to love… a time to hate; a time to war… a time of peace. What profit hath he that worketh in the wherein he laboureth? I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. He hath made everything beautiful in his time.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11
The truth is there is a balance to life. The good is followed with the bad and the bad is followed with the good. I find true hope in these words, not because I look forward to the balance, but because I look forward to the promise that hard times are truly not permanent. I didn’t realize how important it was for me to have that reiterated. A reminder to instill hope. This transition from one season to the next is going to come no matter what I try to do, but I can have hope that the struggle of it is temporary. More than that is the promise I can dwell on. Instead of dwelling on the dread of the change, I can dwell on the promise that God said he will make everything beautiful in his time. Now that is something, I look forward to seeing. You may be saying, “Ok Keri, I get it. Suck it up and deal with it.” That is not what I am saying, because those of us who suffer with depression, and anxiety need more than that. We need something we can honestly find comfort it. Something we can do to help with the transition. So here is. Here are the steps spelled out:
First when you are feeling low, remind yourself this is temporary
Ensure your self that beauty can come from this change. Look around and see what beauty you can see.
Make a list of things you can do when you are down that will help you sail through the dark times. Because bad is followed with good. This list would be things you enjoy to do that you haven’t done in a while or would like to try. Adult coloring books, cross word puzzles, word searches, taking a drive to see the leaves (make this a yearly tradition to help you find beauty in the change, something to look forward to.) Take a fall vacation. Go for a walk and collect colored leaves. Decorate for fall. Make your own fall décor. Take a hot bath on a cold night, treat yourself to your favorite hot drink. Go to a craft market and just look. The possibilities are endless.
Before you know it, you have come through the transition and gotten yourself into a new schedule and you can rest easy. Don’t concentrate on the change, concentrate on the new opportunities that can come with the change. Hope. With hope the darkest of days can bring such great light. Hope makes the time go faster, makes the days more exciting, and gives us something to look forward to. Then before we know it, fall and winter will pass, and spring will come with more promises and hope of its own.
by keri payne 