Tag: bible verses on depression and anxiety

Drowning in Life’s Struggles

bykeripayne

“Just another day in Paradise,” are the words of my youngest son when I asked how his school day went. The honest words of a boy and his sarcastic view on an activity he did not like to do. Today, that was how I felt as I laid my head down on my pillow at bed time. Instead of paradise, I replaced it with misery. Today was another endless day of struggles with chronic illness. One or two days in a row I can handle and keep my head above water. Things don’t look too bad and hope is in the air. When I get to day 5 and 6 of endless pain and fatigue, my mind takes a turn for the deep end of the pool. I can feel myself slowly sinking. As I take a step forward, and no answers or relief are insight, my head starts to go under. My thinking becomes foggy and unclear. My focus is stuck in a whirlpool of emotions and thoughts that become heavy. Before I know it, the heaviness is leading me down into a darker place and I am only able to conjure up the energy to do the basic survival skills. Treading water in the midst of the fogginess takes up everything I have and it takes all my energy not to sink any deeper. Sometimes I look up to see if anyone is coming to rescue me. I see the faces of my friends and family standing on the side of the pool. Their faces are in anguish as they struggle to come up with any idea that can help pull me back to the shallow end. The longer I stay under the more helpless I feel. The more helpless they feel. We become distant with each other as the pool I am sinking in becomes lonely. Sometimes I wonder, “Why don’t they just jump in.” If they would just jump in maybe I could grab ahold of their foot and pull myself up. The realization comes to me, that if they jump in and I pull on them they will sink too. The foggy water can be so consuming for anyone that spends time in it too long. The truth is, there in only one that can get in the water with me and not sink. That person is Jesus. That person alone has the power and abilities to pull me out, but as I continue to pray, it becomes evident that God the Father wants me to swim to the surface on my own. Jesus will be with me every step of the way. He will never leave me nor forsake me, but sometimes God says, “Today my child, instead of me allowing Jesus to pull you from the depths, today I want you to learn how you can swim to the top. My power lies within you, you just got to dig down deep into your thoughts and in your soul and find that one thing that is making you sink. Jesus can deliver you instantly and it will be food for a day, but you can dig down deep and learn what it is that is pulling you down and you can be free for much longer. Jesus will hold you, give you the air you need and the strength to tread water for as long as you need. You have my promise you will not sink too deep because you are mine and I am yours.” As I hold onto that promise I start to dig deep and find that one thing that is missing. That one thought, that one lifeline of hope. Then I realize that hope is what is missing. The thoughts of being alone, the thoughts of were my pain and suffering can lead me to. All of this, plus not having answers to medical issues has left me with no hope. So how do I gain my hope back? Well, I start in the place that has answers. The bible.

I started reading about David this morning when he was stuck in the cave hiding from Saul, and when the philistines overtook him in Gath. The constant theme is trust. David is in the midst of his enemies and he is trusting God in all of it. Myself, I struggle with the calamity at hand (my anxiety and worries) as it overwhelms my thoughts and emotions to the point that trust is a distant emotion. For David trust gives hope. Trust is the lifesaving ring floating at the top of the pool. When I can grab that trust, then hope is attainable. Yet, how do I get trust close to me? How can I trust anything, when I am so consumed with the problem at hand?

As I sit and ponder and continue to read about David, the realization comes to me that being consumed with thoughts of the problem is the problem. I need a break from the problem. I can keep busy today doing housework, or projects; but lets me honest here, that in itself can be kind of depressing and bring on its own set worries and negative emotions. Who really finds great joy in cleaning all day? The end result can bring me joy. Looking back on all the work I was able to accomplish and how neat and tidy everything is can give me a sense of accomplishment. Yet, accomplishment is not the goal. The goal today is to get a little bit closer to trusting God in the midst of the anguish. Well, if anyone can tell us how we can get a little closer to trust it will be David. So, what does David do in the midst of his anguish? We see a pattern over and over again in the psalms of David as he cries out to God in prayer and in song to God.

Psalm 56:1-12

 Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me. Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be many that fight against me, O thou most High. What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. Every day they wrest my words: all their thoughts are against me for evil. They gather themselves together, they hide themselves, they mark my steps, when they wait for my soul. Shall they escape by iniquity? in thine anger cast down the people, O God. Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. In God will I praise his word: in the Lord will I praise his word. In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me. Thy vows are upon me, O God: I will render praises unto thee.
  1. David cries out for mercy to the one he recognizes as the most powerful, most living, most high. He does this while acknowledging his dilemma. He is honest. Honest about his struggle, honest about how tired and oppressed he is with fighting his enemy. Honest about who the enemy is.
  2. He states what he believes in. This is a strategic move on David’s part. Not just for God to know where his heart lies, but for Satan to know whose army he is a solider of.
  3. Next, He gives more detail about his struggle. He opens up to God and bares his heart to him. He voices his inner most fears and deepest struggle of the fight he is in. He does not walk in denial of it, or in the shame of it. He owns the struggles by not placing blame on others, but stating the facts of how the enemy is pushing his buttons.
  4. Then he asks God questions. Oh Yes! He questions God. A conversation is a two-way street. We engage in conversation with questions. It is not a one-sided conversation for David to have with God, but he engages God to speak back to him. God speaks back through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has the ability to open up his mind and his perspective and give him a sense of peace and understanding. The Spirit can shower him with confidence in his position in Gods army. The spirit does this by reminding David of Gods promises. The promises that God cares enough to put his tears in a bottle, and the promise that when he cries to God his enemies will retreat.
  5. Lastly, David states again where his confidence lies. He does it for God, for the enemy, and for himself.

The more we repeat something, the more we will believe it. We will find in David’s writings and songs that he is constantly going back and forth from stating his dilemma and the facts of it followed up by his belief and promises of God. I think this is key in moving forward in the battle we are facing. We tend to get so lost in the struggle and sink from the heaviness of the pain. We meditate on the pain looking for answers, we talk about it to others. It becomes our focus that we are consumed with it and the negativity it brings. What we are missing is the balance. The balance of stating our dilemma while also focusing on the truth of what we can trust in. Facts that we can hold onto. Facts about out God, and facts about our situation that are not heavy.

David had hope and trust because he did not let the struggle consume all of him and his thoughts. He had a balance of verbalizing his struggle followed with verbalizing what his God can do with that struggle and the positive facts that are within that struggle. So today, I am going to focus on the balance. In my conversations with others, with my prayers to God, and with my thoughts as I go throughout my day. I will change my “but” statements to an “and” statement.

I will state the struggle, and follow with Gods love for me.I will be honest about how much I dislike God’s strategy to let me flounder to the top of the pool and not rescue me, and I will state the promises of growth he says will come from gaining that balance to float to the top.

I will be honest about the facts of my enemy and how it makes me feel, and I will verbalize the power my God has to help me overcome the enemy and all the grief that surrounds me.

I will ask God for a clear mind, honest perspective, and tell my enemy whose child I am; and I will praise God in worship, in song, and remember where I was and what he has already brought me through.

Before long, I trust that I am going to believe even deeper and stronger in the promises of God and trust in his plan and have hope within my circumstance. The more you repeat something the more your soul with believe it. We can rise in the midst of anguish. I can find peace in the current of suffering. I can’t control my illness, but I can control the thoughts about it and how I choose to deal with it. It will be hard. It will take time and effort I feel I don’t have. But God, will give me the strength to do this and the wisdom to grab hold of thoughts and beliefs that are firm and I can believe in. So, lets do this!

P.S. Are you struggling with Chronic Health issues and feel like no one understands? Share this with those that are close to you. Help give them some insight to what you are going through.

Do you have a friend that suffers? Share this with them so they know they are not alone and you are trying to understand!

What’s the Purpose of Being Still?

bykeripayne

These past couple weeks life has been a complete roller coaster. My anxiety and depression are all over the place as well as uncertainty and a lack of hope and purpose. I guess I have been second guessing everything I have been doing. When I really stop and try to see what this all stems from, it comes from a place of control. You see, if I can control what is going on around me, then I can control the depression, the anxiety, the physical pain that comes with a flare of one of my many medical conditions. If I can just gain the upper hand, then I can somehow maneuver through what ever may come. Then the truth hits and before you know it, I am in the middle of the valley, drowning in a mud puddle of uncertainty on which way to move forward. No matter how much control I think I have, the reality is that I have none. I have no control over what may come jumping out of me when I finally emerge from the puddle, I am in. I eventually am gonna have to make a move. I can’t stay here forever, but which way to I go? Then A small voice comes in and says, be still and know. The thing is I don’t know!!!! I don’t know anything right now except the hurt and pain. The overwhelming emotions that leave me crying at the drop of a single look or word from someone has me consumed. How can I be still and know?

To be still means to stop and pray right? Stop and pray. I can do that, but what if its more than that. What if I stop and pray and don’t plan? Don’t do anything? Don’t plan the next step. Don’t worry about making sure everyone is happy. Don’t worry about the dishes, the laundry, the grocery list. Just stop everything and be still until God says something to me. Just pray and wait. Is that even a logical step to take? My family expects to have their clothes cleaned for work tomorrow, their dinner ready when they get home. Maybe to be still means to stop all expectation, to stop all control of making others happy and just stop. Just pray, wait and see who comes through the door. Wait and see who calls and checks on you today. Who comes to you to vent or talk. What if today, you just be still and do nothing!

Nothing, is a big word! Doing nothing can be scary at times. I have ADD and doing nothing is not an easy thing for me to do. I am always moving, cleaning, checking off a list of things that need to be done. To do nothing is not easy for me, but what if that is just what my body and mind need me to do to slow down my emotional side. Let everything just come to a stop until you know the next move to make. To stop all the chaos in your mind so you can hear God speak to you! The drive for control is so strong, that it drowns out the voice of reason within me. The hard part to see is the humility it is gonna take to admit that I need to do it. I may not be able to control everything around me, but I can control my prayer life and my stillness.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I ask you today to forgive me of all my sins and wipe my slate clean. Forgive me for trying to control everything and help me Lord to be still. Calm my body and my spirit. Show me the next step to take and have confidence to know it is your will and not mine. Help quiet my mind Lord and be okay with letting things go today until I can hear your loving spirit again. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.

What is complex post traumatic stress disorder?

bykeripayne
Good days are possible!

First, I must say that I am not a medical professional and if you suspect you may be suffering from PTSD and CPTSD please seek medical help. This article is to take a peek at the terminology and my own personal trauma and struggles.

Complex PTSD is a new term in the medical field and one you do not hear much about. I think as my generation and the ones behind me mature, it will become more commonly used and talked about. We associate PTSD with combat warriors that have come home from war after experiencing a traumatic event. It is easy for us to understand if the traumatic event involves some kind of physical affliction, but the truth is it most commonly appears in those without external blemish or scar. To understand this, we must first understand there are 4 different bodies that make up our one. In my book I describe these and touch on them, but today I am just going to touch a little on them. They are:

Physical Body

Mental Body

Spiritual Body

Emotional Body

Each of these bodies represent us as a whole. I believe they are intertwined and when healing the body, we must treat all areas and not just one. Our medical field and insurance companies are not set up this way. To get help in all areas at the same time cost a fortune, takes applications and multiple physicians and often people do not get the help they need to heal. For PTSD sufferers, I believe the trauma they have experience affects the mental body due to a threat to the physical body of ourselves or others we are close to. A continued state of arousal to protect the physical body messes with our Mental stability while triggering an emotional response. I call it survival mode. PTSD is used to describe those who have suffered one life altering event, while Complex PTSD is used to describe those who have suffered a series of life altering events that have occurred over an extended period of time. Those life altering events keep you in a heightened state of survival mode. Fear of what will come next, constantly being proactive to avoid the next round of mental threat or physical blow to your person. While at the same time keeping your emotional body under control. Sounds very complicated right?

In my personal experience I could never understand why my anxiety and depression appeared when it did in my life. Let alone extreme panic episodes where my body felt like it was so out of control. Why at this time in my life was this happening? Some call it a “midlife crisis”, others call it a “mental break down.” For me I call it my “had enough alarm.” My body simply had enough trauma that it was overwhelmed and could not deal with any more. I learned that my bucket was overflowed. My body had dealt with so much that my mind could not take on anymore. The series of things I experienced in my life and the order in which they arrived, left me in a state of constant survival mode. Everything triggered me. I never realized it before this happened, but I always sit in the corner of a room with my back to the wall. Loud noises and especially yelling or arguing triggered my defenses as well as my severe need to put walls up and not trust anyone. I trusted no one and had a right not to. I had been hurt over and over again. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

First, it started with sexual abuse as a child. When that person was finally out of reach, in enter this smooth-talking teenage guy who gave me the attention and affection I so strongly needed. Until my naivety with men and relationships found me pregnant at the age of 14. 14 and pregnant and I was trapped. I was told that this man would be in my life forever and I had to make the best of it. So, I did. Within a month of finding out I was pregnant; he was living with me and I made the best of it. Little did me or my family know that path we would go down from that day forward. To make the story short. I loved him dearly and I think at one time he loved me too, but something changed in him. He became very mean and emotionally abusive. He started drinking all the time and I found myself at 15 and 16 taking him to bars and being his DD. (Yes, there are bars in the backwoods that will allow teenagers in.) We fought constantly as well as with my parents. He would leave and come back a total of 13 times in our relationship. He dated almost every one of my friends till I had very few people I could trust or count on. He told me I was a tramp, and no one would want me when he got done with me. That I was used goods. That I was stupid and ugly. Most of all he said that no one liked me, and no one could stand me. They all just put up with me because they had to. That he was only with me to get what he could from me. I believed him. I believed it all. When he told me that last statement, I found my exiting backbone and proceeded to the closes exit. On my way out the door, he would threaten my families lives, my child’s safety in my arms, and my reputation in the community. It became a toxic relationship to me and threatened my security and mental well being. Little did I know at the age of 16 how this man that I had loved so dearly, could impact my life and mental health indefinitely.

From there I finally gained some independence. I worked to graduate from High school as well as take some college courses while holding down a manager job for a local fast-food chain. I finally felt like I had some control over my choices and circumstances. I met my husband at the age of 18 and got married to him at the age of 20. He was a breath of fresh air. I had found someone who truly loved me and support me. I would not realize the extent until late in life, but God gave him to me and His timing was impeccable, but I never did stop looking over my back. I Never knew when chaos would come around the corner and destroy what happiness I had. Even when me ex finally signed his parental rights away. I still worried he would enter and turn it all upside down. Then at the age of 22 and the birth of my second child my life took another turn. Illness.

At the age of 15 I struggled with a heart arrythmia that was brought on due to stress. A Benign condition that I dint’ know was benign until 23 years later. Then I was diagnosed with cystic acne and had nickel size pockets of infection appear on my face. Then at the age 22 I became pregnant with my youngest son and was extremely sick for the whole 9 months. When he was 5 months old, I was diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis. I spent 10 years struggling with the disease that later became ulcerative colitis as well as IBS. Then came migraines, then Interstitial cystitis, with minor bouts of depression creeping in. Then I struggled with Gastritis and GERD with a sore throat I could not get to go away. Six years struggling with this sore throat, and finding a doctor that would believe it was not all in my head, I was finally diagnosed with a positive blood test for Sjogren’s Syndrome. But my victory was not accepted well. During this six year I had my tonsils removed, my gallbladder removed, had to leave my job, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. But that’s not all folks. I also had an extreme flare of endometriosis which led to 3 more surgeries in six months. Exploratory surgery for diagnosis, a complete hysterectomy and later a pelvic mass that enveloped one of my tubes that went from my kidney to my bladder. Six weeks post op I mentally crashed. You see, just before my last surgery my doctors pulled me off all depression and anxiety medications to let my body detox because I was struggling to find a medicine that would help with my depression. I tried out-patient group therapy, but I was too far gone at that point. The trauma of all these threats to my physical body played its toll on my mental stability and I finally checked myself into the hospital for help. From there I was diagnosed with insomnia, unspecified panic disorder, major depression disorder, and later Complex PTSD.

My body will attack itself without warning. The wonder gift of multiple autoimmune disorders. The food I eat, the environment I’m in, and the stress I experience. They all have an influence whether or not I will experience any physical pain today. The more I try to avoid the physical pain the more anxious I become. Sometimes I will be eating and become extremely nauseous and start shaking, because my subconscious brain is triggered by knowing that food alone will make me sick today. Sometimes it can be a group of people that are loud, or the threat of a stomach bug or another migraine. Years of not being in control. Years of physical pain. Years of traumatic experience and medical diagnosis left me with a beautiful mixed up brain and a diagnosis of Complex PTSD.

I never thought it could happen but I do have better days than not. It is absolutely amazing how much a person can go through both physically, mentally, and emotionally and still come out on top. This is where my spiritual body comes into play. The spiritual body is where my core belief systems lies. With lots of class on coping skills and counseling, as well as bible studying, I have a foundation that I can put my trust and faith in. “I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me,” Philippians 4:13. Before I was wandering around struggling to trust, and a mind so confused by the chaos and mixed up core beliefs, I could not move forward. Today I find myself repeating three verse. These verses are my heart and soul of what I strive to keep my faith in every day. As well as Philippians 4:13:

“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that loves God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered awhile, make you perfect, establish, and strengthen, settle you.” 1 Peter 5:10

These are the truths I hold dear and make my foundation. It gives me hope. Hope to embrace the struggle, hope it will not be forever, hope there is a purpose in it. One of the biggest truths for me to accept is that I will struggle with this all my life. The goal is not to avoid it or cure it, but to accept it as part of who I am and learn to live with it. Not as a burden on my back, but as a strengthening tool necessary for my next steps in life. Right now, that next step is to share with you and let you know there is hope and you are not alone. To Edify you and instill you with love and hope for a brighter day that is ahead. With God you are strong enough to live with your trauma and let it raise you up with purpose.

What truths do you hold onto that help you in your struggle this day? I would love to hear them!

Dear Depression and Anxiety Sufferer,

bykeripayne

Dear Depression and Anxiety Sufferer,

I woke up this morning with you on my mind. My heart aches for the agony you may be facing this day. The uncertainty and doubt that comes each morning as you leave your dream world and enter into the reality of your life. The strong desire you must be fighting to not crawl back under the covers and dream your life away. Maybe your mind is racing a mile a minute, rehashing the previous day’s events. Trying to find a solution to whatever conversations or problems you faced. Or, thinking about the unforeseen dilemma that is coming your way today or in the future and how you can be proactive to control it. I know, because this is how I feel a lot of mornings. So, this morning I sat up in my bed. Bowed my head, and prayed for you.

I prayed that today God will give you the strength to get out of bed and help you stand firm under the shadow of His mighty wings.

I prayed God will give you guidance on your path today and help you see it as an adventure up the mountain and not a dark path lost in the valley.

I prayed God will give you peace of mind and quiet the racing thoughts of life’s events so they fade into the back ground of a place you have already conquered and came out victorious.

I prayed God will give you the concentration to think only on this moment and relish in the sweetness and joy it can bring of where you have been and how far you have come.

I prayed God will give you humility to acknowledge to yourself and those you love that you are struggling or to recognize that something just isn’t right and find freedom in letting go of the burden you think you must struggle with alone.

I pray God will give you courage to reach for help and seek medical advice or counseling to help put the pieces of your broken heart and life back together.

I pray God will give you gratitude. Gratitude for the past, the present, and the future. For gratitude helps us see that what we have right now is enough.

Lastly, I pray that you know you are loved. Loved even if you don’t get out of bed. Even if you lack guidance. Even if you can’t stop the racing thoughts. Even if you don’t remember what joy feels like. Even if your too proud to admit something is off and worry what everyone else thinks. Even if you struggle with taking the time for yourself to heal. Even if you will never be thankful for the life you have. Why? Because I have hope that one day you will, and I have faith my prayers for you will not go unanswered. Because I love you, and if that is the only love you see to help you understand the love of God, then today that is what I will do. I will love you no matter what. Just as my Heavenly Father has loved me and brought me up to the mountain top once again. Fore He will never leave you or forsake you!

Forever in your corner with prayer,

Keri

Psalm 91 audio read to you by Keri Payne