Tag: dealing with change

Dealing with Bitterness

bykeripayne

Bitterness has been the root of all my problems lately. I knew that I was upset, but I didn’t give credit to how deep the upset was. I began snapping at others, short tempered, inpatient, lack of understanding and especially a big dose of selfishness to go along with it. What I struggled with most was how to move past the bitterness into peace. I will tell you it took time and prayer. It tries to show its ugly head from time to time. Even today it will be a struggle to let go, and find peace within the circumstance. Yet, I will go through the process in my mind that brought me to a calming solution, and this is what it is.

  1. To recognize you are bitter. The first step to heal from anything is to acknowledge and be honest. Name it, call it out, and put it in its rightful place as something that is stealing your joy. Psalm 51:3
  2. What are you bitter about? Put a name to what it making you bitter. Was it something someone said or did, or a lack of acknowledgement? Bitterness starts from being angry. Anger is a powerful emotion that can have great power in your life. I don’t have to explain what anger can do; I am sure you are all well aware of it. Even Jesus experienced anger when he was here on earth. Mark 3:5
  3. Say out loud what it is doing to you. With bitterness, it can not only steal your joy, but it can make you feel like you are not worthy or important. It can make you feel like your voice is not heard. Like you have been used and discarded. Rejected. It can be a lonely place to be, and also bring bouts of fear. Fear to speak up, or speak out. Or it could stem from a place of selfishness. What will others think, what are others gonna say, why can’t they see what they are doing with their actions?
  4. Now, pray. Pray specifically for the situation. Ask for guidance, wisdom, clarity, humility, and the power to move forward. The power of prayer is stronger than any of us can imagine! Matthew 26:53
  5. Let go of the bitterness. How? First, acknowledge the other person is a growing person. They may not have the spiritual maturity yet to handle the situation in a peaceful manner. Everyone is dealing with their own fleshly nature. They may have their own focus, passions, and desires that are overriding the situation. But so do you! Acknowledge the place you are both in and see if a common ground can be found.
  6. Communicate. Once you know what it is that is causing this bitterness, you may need to reach out and have a heartfelt conversation with the other person. Be honest about how you are feeling, but do it with love and not with anger. Be angry, but sin not. This means its okay to be angry, but don’t let it overcome you to the point you act out in a sinful nature. Act out with love.
  7. But God, let God work in the situation. Ask for his forgiveness. Sometimes it takes time for others to grow, when this happens, we may need to put up boundaries, or take a step back. But if you are doing that communicate that to the other person. This is out of respect and love. Or, it may be something that is completely out of your control. Grieve, let the emotions out that have embodied you for so long. God understands, just don’t let your grief move into a state of constant self-pity. In this instance you must turn to God and trust he has an outcome far better for you than you can conjure. To let go of what once was, and look to Gods plan and not our own.

Today, I am going through these steps. Landing on the peace of knowing that God knows what is best for me and He has a plan. I trust that he knows and desires my happiness. In so doing I need to let him take the lead. Now this won’t be easy! Its gonna be very hard! The bitterness may creep in again when I least expect it, but I will go back through the motions and thought process that brings trust in God. When I trust in Him to be in charge then peace is always right behind.

Count It All Joy

bykeripayne

The trials of life are not just all consuming, but leave lasting marks on our souls. How we deal and process these trials sets the tone for how our bodies and minds automatically deal with it. This process of dealing is called coping skills. We develop these coping skills usually as a child. As hard times and difficult experiences come, we take on ways to help ourselves deal. Usually, these coping skills are not always healthy. A lot of the times it depends on the role models we have in our life and how they deal with trials. We adapt our role models coping skills and run with it. There is no blame to be found in doing this, it’s our natural human response. Some people resort to drowning out their sorrows in drugs or alcohol and not dealing with tough emotions. Some people go on shopping sprees and lots of vacations to induce feel good endorphins. Some take on loads of work to avoid relationships or any change that they cannot control. A lot of people get angry and lash out. They are bitter, resentful, and linger in a state of despair. No matter what, the one thing we all have in common is that we all have trials and we all have different or even multiple ways of dealing with them.

My personnel struggle with trials all began with the coping skills I took on in face of adversity as a child. I would lash out and rearrange my room at first, because anger is something I seen and thought was how to deal. When this was not satisfying and did not resolve anything for me, I then turned to fantasy. I would go into my mind and dream of the perfect world and the perfect people and a safe place for me to escape and feel wanted and loved. I could not do this during the daytime or in crowds so then I took on smoking. If I got a little stressed, I reached for my pack of cigs and escaped to the nearest smoking section. Later, I took on avoidance and withdrawal. I would do everything to avoid conflict. I took on the responsibility of everyone’s feelings and did everything I could to control how they reacted. I became more withdrawn, afraid to voice any opinion or struggle. The fear of what others thought of me and facing more conflict controlled me. Thirty-five years later it all caught up with me and I was drowning in a sea full of fear and avoidance. I had nowhere else to go, but through. I had to face all the hurt, all the pain, all the trauma of life’s trials. Then I met a man named James and my life changed.

I met James by accident one day. I was having a really tough day. I was constantly wrestling a thought in my mind and could not for the life of me figure out the answer. The thought was, “How do people keep going, when they are in so much physical and emotional pain? What is the secret?” I knew of many people who suffered great physical tragedies and no matter the state they were in, they found a way to cope and found new meaning to life. They found joy again and I just knew if I could figure out their secret, I too could obtain that joy myself. I could learn to live a new and improved life with healthy coping skills. So, in the midst of my research, James appeared and he helped me find one of many coping strategies that would change my life.  James was a carpenter’s son. He is a common man and lived a common life. James did not believe in Jesus until the later years of his life. This was crazy to me because he grew up within such a God-fearing home. A home so surrounded with the plan of God and salvation for all. Once James surrendered to the possibilities of Jesus and his purpose, James’s life took on new meaning and He shared this one phrase that changed my life as well as his. “COUNT IT ALL JOY”

What?! Are you telling me that this is the secret to dealing with hardship? To count the hardships in my life as a joyful experience? At first, I was in denial. Trust me, there is nothing joyful about suffering abuse, neglect, and physical and mental ailments. Then James explained it to me in a way that I could not argue with and it opened my eyes to a new way of seeing things. He said to me, “Keri, count it all joy when you find yourself in the midst of a trial. This trial is a testing of where your faith stands and can produce more patience to help you push through your trials and not avoid them. So, grow your patience by pushing through this hard time. If you need guidance then just ask God and he will give you wisdom freely as long as you hold to your faith and do not waiver. Trust that He has a reason for this and it will help you in the long run!

James opened my eyes that hard times and obstacles are meant to be a stumbling block from Satan, but God has made a way for us to grow in the midst of it. We can grow our faith, patience, perseverance, and most of all our trust that when we come to the end of this trial, and an end will come, that we will see the hand of God in it. We will be stronger in mind, body, and spirit. I believe I can trust James. James is not only Jesus’ half-brother, but was a witness to Jesus’ resurrection and a martyr of the faith. If he held to the faith and found joy in the midst of struggles…, could it not work for us too?

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers’ temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. James 1:2-6

If James does not impress you then maybe you can take Paul’s word for it…

Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. Romans 5:1-5

What can make the biggest and quickest change in your circumstance?

bykeripayne
Embrace the Change
Embrace the Change

What can make the biggest and quickest change in your circumstances?

I was talking to my therapist, yes therapist, and he asked me the question, what has changed? First, I am not afraid or ashamed to tell you that I talk to a therapist. If you have trouble with your back, your heart, or healing from a broken arm you get therapy to help strength the part of the body that needs help. Why is the brain not any different? Why do we judge and look down on those who are brave enough to say, something is not right, and I need help to strengthen it? Anyway, my therapist was wanting to know what had changed for me since that last time I talked with him. I was calmer, more at peace, and something was positively different. I noticed it too as I sat contently aware with having a full night’s rest. It had been so long since I received that. “There are two things that are different,” I replied. My diet and my perspective. “Really? How is that?” he asked. This is my reply and I hope you can find some help in it as well…

As my therapist knows, I suffer with chronic health issues. One particular issue I had struggled with in the weeks before this appointment had been chronic thrush, insomnia, and a head cold. While struggling with these issues, my body had gotten to a place that it was not responding to the medicine I was taking. No matter what I took prescription, high dosage, etc. the symptoms of my chronic thrush would not subside and blisters were starting to form on my tongue. The only way out of this was through, and with going through meant facing more diet challenges. Starting on the day the sores appeared, I take steps to go on a low carb diet. 50 grams or less per a day. Some call it Keto, I call it living like my ancestors did. Within a week my symptoms were gone, my anxiety was at bay, and I was sleeping all through the night! All by just lowering my carb intake. Now take in mind, I already was on a gluten free, low dairy, no acid diet. Adding low carb which gave me energy and helped keep my colitis at bay was SCARY. I was scared of starving to death! It took me three days with no carbs at first, then added in the low carb and today I feel so much better. My mind is more focused, I have energy, I am calmer.

The second thing was a belief I was carrying around that was keeping me stuck! That belief was God was letting me suffer for no reason! Let’s be honest! Even none believers ask the question, “If God loved us, then why does he let us suffer?” Its not the question or the answer that keeps us stuck, but the belief behind the question. If we truly believed that God was good, we would not question his motive for not rescuing us. My whole life I never believed that God was good, and could be nothing but good. I believed God to be selfish and want his way no matter what I went through. I believed that if I was suffering then I deserved it for a reason. I believed that God was using my suffering to teach me a lesson. At surface level all these conclusions make sense. Yet, being in the midst of the storm, this belief makes it impossible to have hope, and I know God wants me to have hope in Him. So, what it is that is wrong? What is this belief that I carry that keeps me from having so much peace? That God was both good and bad? The truth is that God is and can only be good!

 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.Do not err, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:13-17

God had led me to study James in the Bible and in my reading for this particular day these verses came to life. I had read them many times before, but today they came alive and penetrated me deep into my soul. God cannot be tempted of evil neither can he tempt any man. What? A truth hidden in plain sight! God cannot be full of goodness and evil. He has to be one or the other. The next part of this verse tells us where temptation, or trials as defined in the Hebrew language, comes into play. They are not placed in our path by our loving God, they are instilled within our desires and the sinful nature we are born with. A common thing that all humans have and struggle with. This small revelation, made a huge impact on my life at that moment and helped me with the belief that God is good. It changed my perspective! In changing my perspective, it changed this belief that I had been carrying around my whole life.

Within a week, I had two things that made a quick change in my health and in my peace. A balanced diet, and a change in perspective. Now, I am not saying these things are a must for everyone, but what I am saying is that in God’s time, and within my circumstance these were the right steps for me to take. Maybe, you are struggling with chronic health issues, but not eating well? Maybe you have a core belief that you have instilled in your soul that keeps you from having peace? Either way, I know someone who can give you the answers you are looking for, and he is just a prayer away to reveal them to you! Just be honest with him about your thoughts towards him, and be honest with yourself about the daily choices you make and the fear that drives them!

It’s more than just a change in weather

bykeripayne

I never have understood why the change of season is so drastic for me, but as fall looms in I feel this overwhelming sadness creep in. I wonder if it’s the passing of time. You know when you have to say goodbye to the old and move on to the new? There is a mist that comes over my eyes as I reminisce the happy and sad times of summer. Yet, I don’t feel as if that is quite it. I ponder it as I eat my breakfast and get ready to start my day. I hate when I know there is something bothering me and I can not put my finger on it. What could it be? So, I brain storm some ideas and see what emotions follow. Brainstorm. Now that is a dangers thing for me. I start thinking about sad things. Like the cold, the dreaded holidays, time change, stuck indoors, and did I mention the cold? Then I end up thinking about happy things like chili, hot chocolate, snuggling into a warm blanket, clean crisp air, and beautiful leaves of all colors. Then I switch back and think of the winter to follow and dread creeps in.

I know its more than about the weather that bothers me, it is only temporary for goodness sake. Then it hits me and the realization makes me breath a sigh of relief. It’s the fear of being stuck. Stuck in doors, stuck in the cold, stuck waiting for the holidays to come and go. Its more than being stuck, it’s a sense of feeling trapped. The fact is the change in weather forces me to have to work harder at finding a happy and peaceful state. Being stuck in the cycle of forcing myself to be happy gets exhausting. I just got into the groove of summer and found a happy space and now I can’t seem to muster up the energy it will take for me to adjust to a new norm. Why can’t things just stay the same? Why do things have to change? Change. Now there is a scary word! Change takes me from being safe and secure to the front lines of not knowing what will happen next. Let’s just face it! We are still in 2020 the definition of change, fear of the unknown, and chaos have been at every turn. Now we throw in a season change and I am hanging on by a thread. How can I adjust and prepare for this change? I look up at the clock and stare at it, pondering these very words. Then I focus closely on the words written on it. “To everything there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven.” What? There is purpose for this season? Not just a change in weather, but a true purpose for why I struggle with change? Surely not! I really don’t see how anything good can come out of a struggle. So, I will investigate further and see if any clarity will come.

“To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven: A time to be born… a time to die; a time to plant…a time to pluck up that which is planted; a time to kill… a time to heal; a time to break down… a time to build up; a time to weep… a time to laugh; a time to mourn… a time to dance; a time to cast stones… a time to gather stones; a time to embrace… a time to refrain from embracing; a time to get… a time to lose; a time to keep… a time to cast away; a time to rend… a time to sew; a time to keep silence… a time to speak; a time to love… a time to hate; a time to war… a time of peace. What profit hath he that worketh in the wherein he laboureth? I have seen the travail, which God hath given to the sons of men to be exercised in it. He hath made everything beautiful in his time.” Ecclesiastes 3:1-11

The truth is there is a balance to life. The good is followed with the bad and the bad is followed with the good. I find true hope in these words, not because I look forward to the balance, but because I look forward to the promise that hard times are truly not permanent. I didn’t realize how important it was for me to have that reiterated. A reminder to instill hope. This transition from one season to the next is going to come no matter what I try to do, but I can have hope that the struggle of it is temporary. More than that is the promise I can dwell on. Instead of dwelling on the dread of the change, I can dwell on the promise that God said he will make everything beautiful in his time. Now that is something, I look forward to seeing. You may be saying, “Ok Keri, I get it. Suck it up and deal with it.” That is not what I am saying, because those of us who suffer with depression, and anxiety need more than that. We need something we can honestly find comfort it. Something we can do to help with the transition. So here is. Here are the steps spelled out:

  1. First when you are feeling low, remind yourself this is temporary
  2. Ensure your self that beauty can come from this change. Look around and see what beauty you can see.
  3. Make a list of things you can do when you are down that will help you sail through the dark times. Because bad is followed with good. This list would be things you enjoy to do that you haven’t done in a while or would like to try. Adult coloring books, cross word puzzles, word searches, taking a drive to see the leaves (make this a yearly tradition to help you find beauty in the change, something to look forward to.) Take a fall vacation. Go for a walk and collect colored leaves. Decorate for fall. Make your own fall décor. Take a hot bath on a cold night, treat yourself to your favorite hot drink. Go to a craft market and just look. The possibilities are endless.

Before you know it, you have come through the transition and gotten yourself into a new schedule and you can rest easy. Don’t concentrate on the change, concentrate on the new opportunities that can come with the change. Hope. With hope the darkest of days can bring such great light. Hope makes the time go faster, makes the days more exciting, and gives us something to look forward to. Then before we know it, fall and winter will pass, and spring will come with more promises and hope of its own.