Tag: Joy and peace

I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning and this phrase stuck out to me like a sore thumb and I just knew I had to share this message with you. One of the biggest statements that drag me down is this one, “Who do you think you are?” Joyce was saying this phrase comes from the devil. It appears as the first line of attack. But why this one? Why this phrase?

I think back to a time long ago when I had a loved one tell me who I am. They told me I was stupid, I was ignorant, I was too skinny, I was damaged goods, I was not worthy, and I was an embarrassment. Most of all, they said that no one really liked me, they just put up with me not to hurt my feelings. Like my existence was somehow my fault and I should be thankful others are willing to put up with me. That I should be sorry for even existing and causing people to waste so much energy on me. Honestly, I didn’t need to be told because their actions on how they treated me instilled it in me every day. I became who they said I was.

I believed every statement to be true, so I spent my time withdrawing, not standing up for myself, just doing what I could to get by. I did this because I felt guilt for just existing and felt judgement and condemnation by everyone. This person I had loved and trusted instilled a spirit of fear in me. A fear to stand out, a fear to achieve, a fear to trusting and believing that anything in life was possible. A fear that my existence on this earth was something I should spend my life apologizing to everyone for instead of being confident in who I was and who God made me to be. To this day, I still excuse myself as I walk past people, even if they cut me off. I do this as a submissive response to ask forgiveness for even being on their path as they walk through their life. Like I am some horrible obstacle that others still have to endure.

Why? Why this phrase? Why this person? Because Satan knew just how to shut me down and destroy whatever spirit I had within me. Satan’s goal is to tear you down, so you will not have the joy and freedom to be who you really are. Who God has meant you to be. Well, little did I know at that time, but Satan does not have the power to destroy my spirit. Crack it, break it, and scatter it into pieces he can do, but destroy it is not something he is allowed to do. He may do what he can do drag it down, to slow me down, to keep me from speaking out, for standing up for myself, for having a voice, and being proud of who I am. Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father that can take all things bad and change them into good.

But how? How can you take someone with a broken, scattered spirit and put it back together? Well, one piece at a time. For me it started with being completely broken. As sad as this may seem and especially as scary as it was going through it, I am thankful for it. My brokenness brought me to a place that I needed to go before I was willing to let go of all that I thought of myself to be. I was brought to the place that I had nothing else to lose! Being in that state of mind and in that moment allowed me to lay aside all things that I had carried around for so long, and search out new truths and new beliefs about myself and my Heavenly Father. I was at a place that everything I had believed and carried with me to this point in my life was dragging me down. It was not holding me together; it was breaking me apart. Over and over again. Every time I would try to hang onto a belief that was wrong, another piece of me would break off. I was so focused with constantly defending myself that I could not live freely with being the person God planned for me to be. So, I started with getting help.

Help first from others who would support me. This was a group of people that I did not know. Doctors, therapist, and new friendships that I could be honest with. Honest about who I was, what I had been through and my state of mind that it had brought me too. Also, a new relationship with God as well. I threw out all the beliefs I had about God, but one. The one belief that He loved me and sent His son to die for me. Everything else I would let go off and start again. The relationships that I could not let go off I put up boundaries. These boundaries consisted of me being more assertive with them. By telling them what I needed, guarding how much information I gave them about my most sensitive of subjects, and not wavering on them. If I didn’t feel comfortable doing something, even family get togethers, I didn’t do it and I stopped forcing myself to do it out of guilt or being ashamed. I no longer let others have the power to condemn me and take their condemnation to heart. I left that up to my Savior who sent His son to die for me. How did I do that?

I got out my Bible and did the research. I research words like condemnation, judgement, love, forgiveness, suffering, sin, spiritual warfare, spiritual gifts, hope, faith, Jesus’ life on earth, etc. If I had a belief about it before, I looked up that belief to see what was true and what was a lie. I no longer depend on anything but the Holy Spirit and Gods word to guide my belief system. If I question it, if something doesn’t add up compared to my experience, I search it out. Most importantly I first searched out who God thinks I am. Who am I in Christ? What is my worth in God’s eyes? Then I found the story of the sparrow and my life changed. No longer was I a broken mess on the ground. The pieces of my life started coming together. One at a time. The first piece was my worth and Who I thought I was.

Slowly, and I mean slowly, I started seeing myself through my Fathers eyes. The more I read and researched my Bible the more I found my worth. The true definition of what love is and how it is expressed. The person I wanted to be. I wanted to be a person that was loved beyond measure and who could give that love to others in return. The Bible became a love story to me and not a story of fear, judgment, and condemnation. I still struggle somedays with being that insecure little girl who felt alone and a bother to everyone, but when I do I turn to the words that remind me who I am and live free in being myself and knowing I am loved regardless!