Tag: mental health

Managing the chaos

bykeripayne

I woke up this morning with my brain in a thousand different places. You have seen the quote that says my brain has 15 tabs open, 6 are constantly running, 3 are all about numbers, and the computer screen is foggy and I can’t seem to accomplish any progress. This has been me over the past few months. Another analogy I heard the other night brought me to a better understanding and even my husband could get it. In the back of my brain, with all my clutter and thoughts, is a catalog system. As things happen and I deal with them in my life, I catalog the files to their proper draw. Yet, at this moment I feel as though someone has come along and dumped out a couple drawers and I cannot get those files back in order. Someone being triggers. Triggers with experiencing new pain, trigger of trying 2 new medicines, trigger of not sleeping good, trigger with a troubled relationship, trigger with insecurities, trigger of not being in control. The files in the drawer are dumped out. I am trying to place them back in their proper drawers so that I can get myself together and move forward with the 5 projects I currently have sitting around. Instead, all I can do it focus on the edge of the fog and see housework and chaos with several naps ahead just to get through the day. Day after day, I struggle to cope, struggle to just go with the flow and let the files remain on the floor. All mixed up and no place to call home and be safe. The system is out of order and it’s driving me crazy. Be still, comes to my mind. “Keri, just be still and let me put them back in order,” The small voice in the back of my head keeps reminding me. Yet, the wave of anxiety doesn’t seem to lessen much. Until, one morning a glimpse of clarity breaks through and my next step is so clear. I know what I have to do. This step is easy, but what if the next step is not? What if the next step requires me to do something hard and confrontational? Am I going to do it so I can put that file back in its proper place? Or, am I gonna avoid it and try to cram it in the back of another drawer that it will never fit in?

Sometimes, the way to picking up the pieces it not a glamourous path. The clarity that came was to stop taking the new medicine. They are not working and they are causing more trouble than not. That one was easy. Next file, experiencing new pain. Well, I can either proceed with trying to heal and figure it out, or I can ignore it and see if it goes away. Because this is a big trigger for me, the best move is to try figuring it out. One doctor’s appointment later and physical therapy ahead and that file is on its way to the drawer. Next, is control and relationships. For me, this time, it goes hand in hand. What is bothering me? Why am I so stressed? Why is my peace so hard to find in this relationship? Especially when it has been a safe haven in the past. As I work in trying to decipher what is the beam in my eye versus the splinter in the other, I am faced with a difficult decision ahead. A tough conversation that could either help or hinder this relationship. As I place it back on the floor to pray over it a little longer, to be sure of what I need to do, the next file on the floor catches my attention. The file that says you are not doing enough. This file is right next to another one that says, “phone call asking you to take a new position on a committee to do the Lord’s work”. Then the next card on the floor says, “What about your book? What about your blog? What about your ministry with them?” Before I know it, I am overwhelmed and don’t know what to do. I drop the files back on the ground and I let them linger. Thirty minutes later I try placing them together on the ground to see how they feel together. I place “Not doing enough” with the “Book, blog, committee job” and I become overwhelmed instantly. No matter how I arrange the files they all bring me chaos, confusion, and nothing is back in a drawer safe and neat. Something is wrong with these files. I just cannot put my finger on it. This is where I need help. I need to get a different perspective on these files and make sure I am seeing things clearly. So first, I pray. I pray and ask God for wisdom, for clarity, and for peace to know what to do next. Then, I reach out to my support group peoples and after a long talk with my amazing husband the clarity comes. It all boils down to some tough decisions, opening up a drawer that says no, and dealing with the fact that I have a huge misunderstanding of what serving God looks like. Stuck to the back of the file that says, “Not doing enough” was a file that says, “Every sermon, every word, every look, every job, everything is about you!” That haunted file that I thought I dealt with long ago, was somehow among the others. The file that should be under false beliefs drawer. The root to all my chaos lingered in that horrible file that tends to creep out over and over again.

My false belief drawer is half way full. As I read and study my Bible and face daily struggles, I work out those false beliefs and I put them in the drawer. The thing is that some of those false beliefs I’ve had for long time seem to slip out. As Satan throws a lot of arrows and triggers my way, he will slowly slip one of those out of that drawer and throw it in the pile as I am not looking. Sometimes those files are just so deeply rooted they have a way of coming out all on their own. But God! Through it all God has a way to deal with those deeply planted beliefs that keep us in chaos. I remember that God is in control and the best way to deal with those deeply rooted beliefs is to face them head on. Every time they come up; I try to remember that it is for my good. God is still working on me. He is the potter and I am the clay. Every false belief that creeps up he continues to keep his hands on me and work me until they come to the surface and those imperfections slowly come out. Then another, and another. He is so patient, and loving and kind. He is in no hurry as we are. He can see the big picture. He already knows what I will become, he just has to keep his hands steady on me to help get through and adjust. Adjust to a new way of thinking. Adjust to a place of acceptance for who I am. Adjust as I keep taking those filing cards on the floor and place them one by one back in their place so I can focus again on the big picture God has for me! The big picture is to hold water. To know that I am washed clean! That no matter how dirty or damaged I am he will restore me one piece, one ripple, or one file at a time.

The file that says “Every sermon, every word, every look, every job, everything is about you!” can be placed in the false belief drawer as I slowly believe that God has an individual plan for me and my family! My husband so clearly stated, “confusion is not what God wants. If it is something he wants you do to then you will have peace about it and not confusion. If it brings confusion then it is not for you! Also, if God has a bigger purpose for you than your family will be lead in that direction also.” That is so true. God would not take me to a place and leave my family behind. The pressure to believe that all these things were about me, my failures, and things I should be doing left my family out! Lastly, I thought, “Who am I to think that everything is about me? Am I that conceded?” The truth was on the outside that’s what it looked like, but it wasn’t so much on the inside. It wasn’t all about me, but with the observation of all the files on the ground, my anxiety was creeping higher as well as my depression. When this happens, I am more sensitive to all things. My major flaw in my personality was creeping up and I take everything as face value with no boundaries. Everything I hear, everything I feel, every challenge that is presented in the pulpit, on the radio, by my loved ones, or in my head, I take upon myself as my responsibility. But what is my responsibility? Where do I put up my boundary?

Galatians 6:5 – For every man shall bear his own burden.

1 Corinthians 3:8 – Now he that planteth and he that watereth are one: and every man shall receive his own reward according to his own labour.

Romans 12:6-8 Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, whether prophecy, let us prophesy according to the proportion of faith; Or ministry, let us wait on our ministering: or he that teacheth, on teaching; Or he that exhorteth, on exhortation: he that giveth, let him do it with simplicity; he that ruleth, with diligence; he that sheweth mercy, with cheerfulness.

These verses tell us that we each have different gifts, abilities, and talents, as well as our own burdens. It also says that the one that planteth and the one that watereth are one in the same. It is talking about ministering Gods word. No matter the conviction or responsibility you feel led to concentrate on we each have a job to do. We are to do it to the best of our abilities because they are equally important! Whether its serving the lost, the sick, the anxious, or the well-seasoned Christians. My personal conviction and responsibility is to the believer and helping them to navigate this life and the trials they face. To help them fight the great fight and finish the course, but most importantly to do it while keeping their faith. This is my responsibility, my burden. It doesn’t mean that I am leaving out the non-believer, but all scripture is profitable to Gods kingdom. All concentrations in ministry have the ability to convict, convert, to help those struggling and give them hope!  Because hope is the true message that we all have in common!!

As I place this file of “not doing enough”, and “everything is about me” back in its spot in the false belief drawer, I will take out some brand new 3×5 index card and start a new one to place in my core belief drawer. One that says, “It’s okay to say no.” Another that says, “confusion is not from God.” Another that says, “Teaching God’s hope, no matter in what concentration, is enough!” I can feel the peace fall over me and a little sprig of joy starting to sprout and the day it looking like clear skies ahead. Those other files still on the floor are tough, but with God, I will handle them one at a time and with His help and guidance. It gives me hope to know I will not have to deal with them alone, and no matter how many times those drawers get emptied it is not hopeless. This is life, this is my life, this is my journey! I will embrace it and thank God for one more day and one more opportunity to put the old and the new files in their place until I get to see Him face to face!

How to have assurance in the midst of pain?

bykeripayne

One sad reality of this life is the fact we will have some pain. I thought that it was possible to live this life without any pain, and the reality is that no matter how you avoid, convince yourself, and control there will be times in your life that you will have pain. Pain in any sense seems to bring out great fear and anxiety in me.  Emotional pain, physical pain, mental pain, spiritual pain all make me feel alone. The one thing that has brought me such great comfort is the assurance that all pain is temporary and that pain can also bring about great opportunities and extreme personal growth. Yet, there was a time when I was not so sure and the never-ending cycle of pain left me battered and bruised and crying out to God with anger. Why? What have I done to deserve this? Why are you mad at me? Why wont you give me some relief? My body was in constant pain, my family and doctors didn’t believe me, my friends were tired of hearing about it and my pastor could only tell me there was a reason that would reveal itself in time. Yet, I was still alone and my prayers felt like they never reached past the ceiling. Fast forward to today, with some of the same pain, but a different outlook that I would never have hoped for in a million years. Today I have assurance!

Assurance of what you may ask? Well, let’s take a quick look at what assurance is and grow from there. Assurance defined in Hebrew is truth itself. Truth about life, truth about circumstance, but as I sat at church last night, our guest preacher said something about assurance that I had never heard before. He asked himself what did assurance look like? What kind of scenario in life would give us assurance, would give us truth? This got my wheels spinning and I haven’t been able to get past this. I just knew I had to share this with you. He was talking about Paul and what assurance he had, but not just Paul, but Paul’s followers. What assurance did they have that they were gonna be okay and their pain and suffering would not be the end of them. The answer was Paul’s life! Not just Paul’s life, but the life of anyone that has suffered or lived with pain or trying circumstance for extended periods of time; but Paul in particular kept coming back to mind and it led me to this scripture…

2 Corinthians 11:24-28 Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one. Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep; In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness. Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches.

Paul’s was…

  1. whipped 5 times with 40 stripes save one
  2. beaten 3 times with a rod
  3. stoned once
  4. shipwrecked 3 times
  5. lost at sea
  6. in constant journey with no safe place to lay his head
  7. in danger in the water
  8. in danger from robbers
  9. in danger from his own neighbors
  10. in danger from other tribes
  11. in danger in the city
  12. in danger in the wilderness
  13. in danger out at sea
  14. in danger from those who preach opposite to his teachings
  15. often depleted of strength and in great pain
  16. insomnia
  17. hunger and thirst
  18. fasting, going without food or drink
  19. cold and naked
  20. constant living without comfort and things
  21. daily trials that arise
  22. responsibility of the churches

Paul here is giving a tally of what he went through as a disciple of Jesus. Not including his times of arrest and imprisonment and his thorn of the flesh . All while sticking to the course of faith in Christ. If Paul can survive with Gods help, and find glory in his tribulations, then this gives me the truth and assurance that I can also. My pain is not just a heavy yoke of bondage around my neck. My pain is a crown of glory that has the assurance of who’s in charge and who will not let me fall. Time as time again as Paul survived, I also, time and time again have come through many trials. Yet, I have not suffered as much as Paul has and He still kept going. I have the assurance today through Paul’s life and ministry that God will see me through and the truth is that with God all things are possible.

I encourage you to cry out today and ask God for help. Ask him to help you, ask him to carry you, be open for him to show you the truth and assurance that what you’re going through is not in vain. That It has a purpose and a reason. Today I find that purpose and reason and that is sharing my story with you. To let you know that you are not alone and that God has not abandoned me and will not abandon you no matter how dark your circumstances are. Have assurance that as a believer in God you too can come out of your struggles victorious and in full blessed assurance of His love for you!

The one thing needed in order to heal!

bykeripayne

I had a hard time coming up with a title for this blog, because it covers a touchy subject. I just knew if I gave it the title, “The Importance of Honesty” then most people would pass by it. I didn’t want to give it that title because this blog is about much more than that. Honesty is just the beginning, but without honesty there can be no moving forward. Everyone thinks that if they are not being honesty then they are dishonest. It’s the way our society looks at everything. Black and white, right and wrong, honest or dishonest. The truth is that everyone looks at black and white differently, as I talked about in another blog. Most importantly is to know there is also a gray area. The gray area has been defined as riding the fence, tempting the Holy Spirit, living without thought to consequence. What if I give you a different perspective and let you decide for yourself? If honesty is the one ingredient needed before we can do any healing, and dishonesty is the opposite, then what is the gray area?

First, let me make clear how I view black, white and gray areas. I have lived in the black and white world most all my life. What I found was that no matter how good I was, no matter how honest I could be, or how right and perfect, I could never measure up. I could never be in the white area. You see, I am a sinner. I was born a sinner, and I will continue to be a sinner. I cannot be perfect. The only thing I can be is forgiven (Romans 3:23, John 3:16). So, if black is hell and a place that I have not confessed my sin or the stay of my sinful nature, and white is heaven the place where I am made complete, whole and righteous, then forgiven by grace for me is the gray! It’s not that I live on the fence. I live knowing I am a working progress, forgiven by God’s grace, and the ultimate goal is to refine me until I am complete and whole. I live in an area that not only sees the good and the bad, but also know that it is the heart and the motif behind why a person does what they do that matters and not a list of dos and don’ts (1 Samuel 16:7). So how does honesty fall into the black, white and gray area?

I believe complete honesty is a working progress. The reason for this is the one gray area that we are all guilty of. That gray area is called denial. The first step to any problem we face, is the denial that a problem even exists. I can say that I have had times when I truly believed with all my heart that I was in a good place, and nothing was wrong. Instead, as life happened and I became more aware of my circumstance, I could see that it was not true. Denial is not the end of the road, the black area that we cannot come back from. Denial is the gray area, the first step we all take on the road to healing. Whether trauma, fear, hard times, storms, and chaos evolve in our life to show us where are feet are planted on our road; we must first stop denying our circumstance and the impact it is having on our lives. We must stop denying that we are stuck or not on the right path. We must acknowledge whether the road we are on is headed up the mountain with honesty, growth and freedom from our circumstance. Or, we are stuck in a black and white, stagnant pond full of quicksand and mosquitos. Drowning in our shame, guilt and denial of who and what we have become. Once we can stop denying, then honesty has the power to run freely. The power to pull us up out of that sinking sand and set us on a path of true redemption and growth.

There are many reasons that we live in great denial. Shame, pride, bad coping skills, negative perspective, hurt, pain, embarrassment, stubbornness, mislead information, false teachings, or just plain old rejection of the truth. These each carry strong emotions that have the power to keep us near the pond. The most importantly thing we can do is realize the power it has on us that keeps us stuck and that there is freedom waiting for us if we can let go and move past it. Admitting you are in denial is not weakness, it is strength. Yes, it is hard and sometimes we are so consumed by emotions we cannot see that we are stuck in denial. Yet, God grace is sufficient and will carry us until we can see through the fog surrounding the pond that we are lingering at. When that glimpse of understanding comes that we are in denial, the fog clears just enough for us to see the path up the mountain. That path starts with honesty about our denial. Once we make that step to acknowledge that we have been in denial then freedom and growth can follow. The bible says John 8:32, “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” The truth is Jesus and what he has done for us, as well as the truth in his word. When we face hard times, if we admit we are facing hard times, then search out the truth on how to handle those hard times. Then we have the power through Jesus Christ to live free. Free from the demons that denial plagues us with, free from the consequences of sin, free to be honest about all our sorrows and mistakes.

We are all living in some state of denial. The fact that you almost denied that statement is proof! What are you denying in your life today? What truths do you need to face that will get you unstuck and give you the freedom to be honest? I am telling you, once your honest, there is no stopping the power that God can instill in you to persevere and grow you to be complete and whole! Here is a list of things you may be living in denial from and some of these things I have personally dealt with myself, so know that you are not alone.

  • Suffering, or have suffered, from Physical, emotional, mental, sexual Abuse.
  • Feel you have been neglected by those you say they love you the most.
  • Controlling Desires or lust have overtaken your life.
  • Feel as though you are in the midst of Temptations or trials.
  • What your Strengths and weaknesses are.
  • Misunderstanding of who God is.
  • Misunderstanding of what God expects of you.
  • Dealing with Addictions such as smoking, alcohol, drugs, sex, or gambling, and you don’t have it under control.
  • Dependency on things to make you feel better, like eating, spending money, belittle others, over exercising, etc.
  • That your strong desire to help others may also be tied up with you feeling good about yourself or making yourself look good to others.
  • That you are a people pleaser.
  • That you are depressed and or anxious.
  • That you have a negative point of view.
  • That you need God or are not living as close to him as you could.
  • That you are letting the world and its enticing moments of fun control you.
  • That you are struggling and need help.

Once you face the truth and you are honest, then you can take the steps needed to heal. Without honesty you will stay where you are. What are some things that you have lived in denial over or have seen others struggle with, I would love to hear your comments and personal stories?

Count It All Joy

bykeripayne

The trials of life are not just all consuming, but leave lasting marks on our souls. How we deal and process these trials sets the tone for how our bodies and minds automatically deal with it. This process of dealing is called coping skills. We develop these coping skills usually as a child. As hard times and difficult experiences come, we take on ways to help ourselves deal. Usually, these coping skills are not always healthy. A lot of the times it depends on the role models we have in our life and how they deal with trials. We adapt our role models coping skills and run with it. There is no blame to be found in doing this, it’s our natural human response. Some people resort to drowning out their sorrows in drugs or alcohol and not dealing with tough emotions. Some people go on shopping sprees and lots of vacations to induce feel good endorphins. Some take on loads of work to avoid relationships or any change that they cannot control. A lot of people get angry and lash out. They are bitter, resentful, and linger in a state of despair. No matter what, the one thing we all have in common is that we all have trials and we all have different or even multiple ways of dealing with them.

My personnel struggle with trials all began with the coping skills I took on in face of adversity as a child. I would lash out and rearrange my room at first, because anger is something I seen and thought was how to deal. When this was not satisfying and did not resolve anything for me, I then turned to fantasy. I would go into my mind and dream of the perfect world and the perfect people and a safe place for me to escape and feel wanted and loved. I could not do this during the daytime or in crowds so then I took on smoking. If I got a little stressed, I reached for my pack of cigs and escaped to the nearest smoking section. Later, I took on avoidance and withdrawal. I would do everything to avoid conflict. I took on the responsibility of everyone’s feelings and did everything I could to control how they reacted. I became more withdrawn, afraid to voice any opinion or struggle. The fear of what others thought of me and facing more conflict controlled me. Thirty-five years later it all caught up with me and I was drowning in a sea full of fear and avoidance. I had nowhere else to go, but through. I had to face all the hurt, all the pain, all the trauma of life’s trials. Then I met a man named James and my life changed.

I met James by accident one day. I was having a really tough day. I was constantly wrestling a thought in my mind and could not for the life of me figure out the answer. The thought was, “How do people keep going, when they are in so much physical and emotional pain? What is the secret?” I knew of many people who suffered great physical tragedies and no matter the state they were in, they found a way to cope and found new meaning to life. They found joy again and I just knew if I could figure out their secret, I too could obtain that joy myself. I could learn to live a new and improved life with healthy coping skills. So, in the midst of my research, James appeared and he helped me find one of many coping strategies that would change my life.  James was a carpenter’s son. He is a common man and lived a common life. James did not believe in Jesus until the later years of his life. This was crazy to me because he grew up within such a God-fearing home. A home so surrounded with the plan of God and salvation for all. Once James surrendered to the possibilities of Jesus and his purpose, James’s life took on new meaning and He shared this one phrase that changed my life as well as his. “COUNT IT ALL JOY”

What?! Are you telling me that this is the secret to dealing with hardship? To count the hardships in my life as a joyful experience? At first, I was in denial. Trust me, there is nothing joyful about suffering abuse, neglect, and physical and mental ailments. Then James explained it to me in a way that I could not argue with and it opened my eyes to a new way of seeing things. He said to me, “Keri, count it all joy when you find yourself in the midst of a trial. This trial is a testing of where your faith stands and can produce more patience to help you push through your trials and not avoid them. So, grow your patience by pushing through this hard time. If you need guidance then just ask God and he will give you wisdom freely as long as you hold to your faith and do not waiver. Trust that He has a reason for this and it will help you in the long run!

James opened my eyes that hard times and obstacles are meant to be a stumbling block from Satan, but God has made a way for us to grow in the midst of it. We can grow our faith, patience, perseverance, and most of all our trust that when we come to the end of this trial, and an end will come, that we will see the hand of God in it. We will be stronger in mind, body, and spirit. I believe I can trust James. James is not only Jesus’ half-brother, but was a witness to Jesus’ resurrection and a martyr of the faith. If he held to the faith and found joy in the midst of struggles…, could it not work for us too?

My brethren, count it all joy when ye fall into divers’ temptations; Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. James 1:2-6

If James does not impress you then maybe you can take Paul’s word for it…

Therefore, being justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ: By whom also we have access by faith into this grace wherein we stand, and rejoice in hope of the glory of God. And not only so, but we glory in tribulations also: knowing that tribulation worketh patience; And patience, experience; and experience, hope: And hope maketh not ashamed; because the love of God is shed abroad in our hearts by the Holy Ghost which is given unto us. Romans 5:1-5

What can make the biggest and quickest change in your circumstance?

bykeripayne
Embrace the Change
Embrace the Change

What can make the biggest and quickest change in your circumstances?

I was talking to my therapist, yes therapist, and he asked me the question, what has changed? First, I am not afraid or ashamed to tell you that I talk to a therapist. If you have trouble with your back, your heart, or healing from a broken arm you get therapy to help strength the part of the body that needs help. Why is the brain not any different? Why do we judge and look down on those who are brave enough to say, something is not right, and I need help to strengthen it? Anyway, my therapist was wanting to know what had changed for me since that last time I talked with him. I was calmer, more at peace, and something was positively different. I noticed it too as I sat contently aware with having a full night’s rest. It had been so long since I received that. “There are two things that are different,” I replied. My diet and my perspective. “Really? How is that?” he asked. This is my reply and I hope you can find some help in it as well…

As my therapist knows, I suffer with chronic health issues. One particular issue I had struggled with in the weeks before this appointment had been chronic thrush, insomnia, and a head cold. While struggling with these issues, my body had gotten to a place that it was not responding to the medicine I was taking. No matter what I took prescription, high dosage, etc. the symptoms of my chronic thrush would not subside and blisters were starting to form on my tongue. The only way out of this was through, and with going through meant facing more diet challenges. Starting on the day the sores appeared, I take steps to go on a low carb diet. 50 grams or less per a day. Some call it Keto, I call it living like my ancestors did. Within a week my symptoms were gone, my anxiety was at bay, and I was sleeping all through the night! All by just lowering my carb intake. Now take in mind, I already was on a gluten free, low dairy, no acid diet. Adding low carb which gave me energy and helped keep my colitis at bay was SCARY. I was scared of starving to death! It took me three days with no carbs at first, then added in the low carb and today I feel so much better. My mind is more focused, I have energy, I am calmer.

The second thing was a belief I was carrying around that was keeping me stuck! That belief was God was letting me suffer for no reason! Let’s be honest! Even none believers ask the question, “If God loved us, then why does he let us suffer?” Its not the question or the answer that keeps us stuck, but the belief behind the question. If we truly believed that God was good, we would not question his motive for not rescuing us. My whole life I never believed that God was good, and could be nothing but good. I believed God to be selfish and want his way no matter what I went through. I believed that if I was suffering then I deserved it for a reason. I believed that God was using my suffering to teach me a lesson. At surface level all these conclusions make sense. Yet, being in the midst of the storm, this belief makes it impossible to have hope, and I know God wants me to have hope in Him. So, what it is that is wrong? What is this belief that I carry that keeps me from having so much peace? That God was both good and bad? The truth is that God is and can only be good!

 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.Do not err, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:13-17

God had led me to study James in the Bible and in my reading for this particular day these verses came to life. I had read them many times before, but today they came alive and penetrated me deep into my soul. God cannot be tempted of evil neither can he tempt any man. What? A truth hidden in plain sight! God cannot be full of goodness and evil. He has to be one or the other. The next part of this verse tells us where temptation, or trials as defined in the Hebrew language, comes into play. They are not placed in our path by our loving God, they are instilled within our desires and the sinful nature we are born with. A common thing that all humans have and struggle with. This small revelation, made a huge impact on my life at that moment and helped me with the belief that God is good. It changed my perspective! In changing my perspective, it changed this belief that I had been carrying around my whole life.

Within a week, I had two things that made a quick change in my health and in my peace. A balanced diet, and a change in perspective. Now, I am not saying these things are a must for everyone, but what I am saying is that in God’s time, and within my circumstance these were the right steps for me to take. Maybe, you are struggling with chronic health issues, but not eating well? Maybe you have a core belief that you have instilled in your soul that keeps you from having peace? Either way, I know someone who can give you the answers you are looking for, and he is just a prayer away to reveal them to you! Just be honest with him about your thoughts towards him, and be honest with yourself about the daily choices you make and the fear that drives them!

Do you have Comfort, or are you filled with Comfort?

bykeripayne
Comfort comes in many forms

On most given days, you will find me running around doing multiple projects, chores, and errands. I struggle with the desire to feel accomplished. To have the feeling, that I spent my day with great purpose; but at the end of the day, it is a never-ending pit that cannot be filled. I get caught in this trap so often. This trap that my day is only successful as long as I can show progress. Running on a high of emotions that come with being productive. Then after a night of rest, the morning comes and the high of emotion from the previous day is gone, and I start the cycle over. The cycle of being productive to obtain that feeling of great accomplishment that is only temporary.

There are several issues that come with this cycle. First, it requires me to spend a great amount of time in my head. Thinking, planning, and organizing my time to be the most productive. Always knowing the next step in front of me. Second, it consumes my entire day, week, month. Third, it leaves no room for any other joy in my life. No free time, no vacations, no spur of the moment visits or phone calls to others. Lastly, it leaves no time for the Lord. No time to spend with him in word and prayer, and no time to listen and be filled with the comforter to help guide me in my day. What do you mean “The Comforter”? That is a great question. Did you know the comforter is also called the Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit? Jesus made a promise that when he ascended into heaven, he would send a comforter to us…

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. John 14:16-18

But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. John 14:26

What I love about these verses, is we not only have the promise from Jesus of the comforter, but we have the knowledge of what the comforter will do for us. The comforter, the Holy Spirit will come to us upon our belief in God as found also in John 7:39 (But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive: for the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.) We will have him forever and he will dwell with us forever. Then we also see that the Holy Spirit has the ability to teach us all things, and bring all to remembrance. What? That is a two-fold deal right there. So, what does that mean?

It means that upon belief in the Lord we will have the comforter with us forever, but if you have the comforter and add studying God’s word, prayer and worship you can be filled with the comforter.

Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you. And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: Of sin, because they believe not on me; Of righteousness, because I go to my Father, and ye see me no more; Of judgment, because the prince of this world is judged. I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come. He shall glorify me: for he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you. John 16:7-14

To have the spirit is the promise of salvation by Jesus himself, but to be filled with the spirit is an opportunity of honor and responsibility as believers in Christ. We are baptized in the spirit as a symbolism of having the spirit, but the promise of being filled gives us the access to the power of God. That access is presented to us in the form of God word. Through His word he can guide us, speak to us, and show us His love and plan for our lives. It is up to us to take the time to read, study, and pray and worship. By doing this we all have the chance to be filled with the Comforter (Spirit).

So, today my goal is to get out of my head, stop planning for productivity, and sit for awhile with the Lord and be filled with the spirit through studying his word, prayer and worship with music and song as I go throughout my day. It is a better feeling to be filled with the spirit so I can listen and let him guide my day, than it is to chase that feeling of productivity that will fade with the sun.

Does Hope really have power? If so, How?

bykeripayne

I thought four letter words were bad and should not be taken seriously until I met HOPE. In my deepest and darkest of moments I can say hope is something that seems non-existence and truly hard to grasp. It is hard to explain, but there are times when some emotions are almost impossible to remember or experience. I can remember being in misery for so long that I forgot what joy was or what it felt like, or how to conjure it up with thoughts. I would even take time to sit and meditate on joy and find there were no feelings to be found to follow through. Has this ever happened to you? I would tell my doctors that something is just missing and they would look at me with blank faces. Until one day I came across this verse and it made sense to me.

“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” Romans 15:13

So, I am going to break this verse down for you as the Holy Spirit has shown it to me.

  • Now God of hope – God is the beginning and ending of hope, the expert on hope, and the man upstairs who gives out hope.
  • Fill you with joy and peace – HE has the power to fill you with joy and peace. This tells us that joy and peace or linked to what we have hope in. If we lack hope then we don’t have joy and peace. There may be times as I have said before that I couldn’t muster up my joy and peace. In those times, I remember floundering because I had no answers or no Faith in what I was doing or putting my hope in. True hope can fill you with joy and peace.
  • In believing – The importance of our beliefs. This tells us the first place to look when our hope, joy and peace are disturbed is to look at what we believe in. For me, this one, is the key. I have often found myself believing in something that has no merit, no hope of a good end, and that is not what God wants for us. Other times there are beliefs that other say are true that are contradictor to your peace in God. When this happens, it is of great importance to look it up in your scripture and study the entirety of the answer. Look at the scripture in its setting and what is going on in the story as well as multiple scripture throughout the Bible talking about the same subject, then draw a conclusion. You will be amazed at what you find and peace in having a true answer and believing in it.
  • That ye may abound in hope – God’s desire is for us to abound and live with hope. Hope is what gets us through each day. You can have hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is God’s light shining for us a pathway to him, or you can believe its Satan standing with a flashlight leading you astray. Each belief has power, but which one has a path out of the dark pit, and which one leads you further down?
  • Through the power of the Holy Ghost – God has promised those who believe in him the gift of a comforter to abide with them. That comforter is the Holy Ghost. Some people recognized it as their conscience. Others as an entity to guide them right and wrong. I believe the Holy Ghost is many things, and you will find that as you study multiple scriptures on the subject, but in this verse, it defines the Holy Ghost as one who has power. Not just any power, but power to instill and give hope. The power to guide us to a place of hope again. I don’t think the Holy Ghost is necessarily like a fairy godmother that waves its magic wand and poof! You have hope again. I think the Holy Ghost is deliberate, careful, and slow to teach us how to have hope again. You know that saying, “give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime”? If the Holy Ghost just gave it to us, it would burn out when we used it all up, but if the Holy Ghost took the time to guide us on how to obtain and have hope, then we can acquire it at anytime in the future.

So many times, I would often get mad at God for not granting me hope that I had earnestly prayed for. Why would he want me to suffer so? This verse shows me that God does not want me to suffer, but that in doing things His way, He wants to grow me. Grow me to trust in Him and in His promises, grow me in my mental and emotional development, and grow me to understand the power I can have with his help to conquer the deepest and darkest of hopeless places. All it takes is a mustard seed of faith and we will see our mountains become small, our deeply planted roots of anguish uprooted and planted in the depths of the sea, and our lives flourish into a tree where others find hope and security. (Matthew 13:31, Mark 4:31, Luke 13:19, Luke 17:6)


 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: 
for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, 
ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; 
and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20

What is Meditation really about?

bykeripayne

When I think about meditation, I think of a man sitting in ceremonial robes, cross legged, on a bunch of pillows with his hands on his knees, eyes closed, and making a constant noise of a low hum. “How is this helping him at all?” I say to myself. “He looks like an idiot.” At least that is what I have grown up thinking because in our culture it is not something we consider normal. Normal. That word literally makes me start to sweat and a slight tremor creeps up from somewhere deep inside. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and concentrate. Concentrate on my breathing, and not on the fact that normal is not something I can live up to.

You see, meditation is not about an action to show everyone that we have it all together or we are in control. It’s is also not about a religious ceremony or tradition. Meditation is about training our minds to slow down and think of only one thing at a time. To concentrate on the moment we are living in, and not on the things around us that we cannot control. It is also about making our body and muscles relax. To cast off the burden of being normal and embrace the person God intended us to be. I can’t tell you how many times a day I have to stop and close my eyes and just relax all my muscles. My husband is constantly telling me to stop frowning. Because I am so in my head that every muscle in my face is contracted and tense. I wish I wasn’t this way, but the fact is that I am. I have spent countless hours trying to control this about me with no avail. So instead, I will accept it and take time through out my day to just slow everything down and give my mind a break. A break. I have found there is nothing more important than to give my mind permission to take a break. The expectation we live in to constantly be in control and have it all together makes our minds constantly working in high gear with no brakes in sight. When I close my eyes to rest at night, my mind still goes wide open, because without any breaks in the day it has learned to never rest. If God rested on the 7th day of creation, then why is it that we won’t take the time to rest also. The man upstairs left us a pattern to follow for a reason. If we would have been trained as children to slow down and take a mental break, we would not think of it as such a foreign idea. Our bodies would already be used to it and the struggle to place this in our daily schedules would not feel impossible. So, starting today I will take a break for my mind. I will meditate. Meditate on 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can smell, 2 things I can feel, and I verse to set me back on my way. Before I know it, I will have 10 minutes of not thinking about my worries, my anxiety, my troubles, or what I can control. If I am tense all over, I will meditate on relaxing my muscles starting with my feet, and working my way up. Or, I will set a timer and just concentrate on my breathing. My favorite is to count all my blessings. The options for meditating or endless. Needing meditation is not about being weak, but about taking a break and renewing your mind. It is smart, and it gives us strength to endure our next few hours until we meditate again. A time to get out of our heads and into the moment. Before you know it you will have trained your brain to concentrate in positive areas of your life and the days won’t look so grim.

Tell me what meditations work for you?

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is good (benefit), and acceptable (agreeable), and perfect (growth in mental and moral character), will of God. Romans 12:2

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8