I struggle so much with the desire to have control. Those who live with the aftermath of trauma, I believe, have a deep desire to make sure everything is in its place and under complete control so no surprises will arise. I personally struggle in the midst of chaos to keep my emotions calm and my frustration from turning into anger and hard feelings. I want a fix and I want it now! I also have a deep desire to put things to right especially when I’m standing in a place I can see how to fix the problem(s). Or, so I think.
How do you know the difference between Gods voice leading you and your own personal inner voice pushing you to gain control? For me, it boils down to the need for instant resolve. That inner drive to fix thing here and now. When this inner desire flares within me, I can see it’s my own personal drive and struggle to fix things more so than the Holy Spirit guiding me in my path. The bible says
Straight is the gate and narrow is the way that leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:14 In all thy ways acknowledge him and He shall direct thy path. Proverbs 3:6 Wait on the lord and he will renew your strength. James 4:10 Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10
Joyce Meyer puts it perfectly when she says, "Trusting in God means to get comfortable with not knowing."
The not knowing part is what drives me to gain some control. Not knowing is scary, and allows fear and worry to creep in. It is a big trigger for me and I struggle with constantly battling the anxiety that comes with the circumstance. My desire to escape the struggle of not knowing, the desires of the flesh to have peace at all cost can out way the logic in my mind to be still and know. The panic drowns out all common sense and puts me in a state of fear that drives me to act instantly and gain control quick in order to avoid fear, avoid painful emotions, avoid the thoughts of losing control. Fear of what can happen, fear of what lies ahead, fear of the struggle others may have to face. What I cannot see is the whole picture of God’s hands leading me on a path of not easiness, but a path that will grow me more spiritual, physically, emotionally, and socially.
So maybe, the path for me is to trust God more by not reacting and gaining control. But to sit back and trust Him while He takes care of things for me. Also, to remember, that others are on their own path in life and dealing with their own growth, and God is in control of that. Not me! So, where would God be leading me in my path? Maybe it’s to learn to be comfortable with not knowing? The ability to be at peace when my fleshly desire is to gain control. I guess practice does make perfect, so here I go!