Tag: Mental struggles and Biblical truths

How to Deal with Holiday Stress

bykeripayne

There is something I have noticed people struggling a lot with this holiday season. Depression…not just a sad disposition, but an all consuming blahness that makes one struggle to move. To feel any kind of motivation to do anything, go anywhere, or see anyone. The most troubling thing I have seen with depression is the overwhelming sense of avoidance in faith. Not faith in themselves or their abilities,  but faith as in church going, Bible reading, looking for help in his word kind of faith. So, the question no one will ask is…why when my depressions is bad, do I want to avoid anything that has to do with faith?

You would think when you are at your worst, then this is the place you would turn to. Once upon a time that was so true, but the world is changing and so are the people in it. Faith gives us purpose, and a drive to motivate us to do better, feel better, work harder.  To push through no matter what. This belief in faith is so false, and I believe it’s the rock in the bottom of the bucket. The reason we avoid God, verses, hymnal, ect when we are at our lowest point. There is a false belief that God and our faith in him require action on our part. This belief causes so much pressure. Pressure to not feel bad, pressure to work harder at being okay, pressure to deal with emotions that are overwhelming and all consuming.

Emotions are already high during this season and adding more pressure seems to overflow our bucket. Our bucket consists of all the things we are juggling. Rocks in our bucket with names on them like work, school, church, parenting, trauma, emotional scars, etc. A pile of rocks that we are constantly juggling to survive In this world. Then add on the rocks of the Christmas season and the events of the world and we are on overload. With that overload the last thing we want to deal with is the pressure Faith adds on. The guilt, the shame of the neglect of it is our tipping point and before we know it we are spirling downward… here comes the agitation, the constant feeling of frustration,  the line of negative thoughts and the overwhelming desire to be left alone and not deal with anything…are you with me, or am I the only one that feels this way? So, how does one go from this avoidance to calling out to God for help?

First, is to recognize the misunderstanding of the pressures of your Faith in God. To acknowledge that you may have a core belief about God and faith that is not true. God is a place of refuge in times of trouble, not a master of do’s and don’ts waiting with His arms crossed for you to suck it up and do better. The world and those around us have expectations that line up with this belief, but God says otherwise.

 Come unto me, all ye that labour 
and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; 
for I am meek and lowly in heart: 
and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

 For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. 
Matthew 11:28-30

God says when you are labored and heavy with burdens and cares, come to Him and let Him give you rest. So how does that work? We step back from all that is going on. Take a break from the list of what needs to be done and just sit and rest. Rest until your mind is clear from the list, and your body doesn’t feel pressured to complete anything. When you transition into this frame of mind, your mind will become more clear and the Holy Spirit will be able to guide your steps in a healthier more balanced, God minded path. This path is restful without pressure of everyday life and expectations of others, but their is one ingredient you will still need.

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace,
 whose mind is stayed on thee:
 because he trusteth in thee.

Trust ye in the Lord for ever: 
for in the Lord Jehovah is everlasting strength:
Isaiah 26:3-4

Trust. Trust is the one ingredient you can bring to the table. Without trust, your mind cannot rest. Trust that the shopping will get done. Trust that the cookies will get made. Trust that if you put aside a couple traditions this year your kids will not be missing out! Trust that teaching them to stop and rest until the fog of the Holidays clear so you can focus on His peace and His path will be a better tradition that has eternal benefits. Trust that God burdens are easy and light and if you are bogged down with expectations from God, then they are your expectations and not Gods! It will all get done in His time, and by His means! Not by ours. Let go, remove that rock from the bucket and sit back and let God provide the opportunities to arise. You never know what friend or neighbor is already standing at the door with a tray of cookies that you don’t have to make!

What can make the biggest and quickest change in your circumstance?

bykeripayne
Embrace the Change
Embrace the Change

What can make the biggest and quickest change in your circumstances?

I was talking to my therapist, yes therapist, and he asked me the question, what has changed? First, I am not afraid or ashamed to tell you that I talk to a therapist. If you have trouble with your back, your heart, or healing from a broken arm you get therapy to help strength the part of the body that needs help. Why is the brain not any different? Why do we judge and look down on those who are brave enough to say, something is not right, and I need help to strengthen it? Anyway, my therapist was wanting to know what had changed for me since that last time I talked with him. I was calmer, more at peace, and something was positively different. I noticed it too as I sat contently aware with having a full night’s rest. It had been so long since I received that. “There are two things that are different,” I replied. My diet and my perspective. “Really? How is that?” he asked. This is my reply and I hope you can find some help in it as well…

As my therapist knows, I suffer with chronic health issues. One particular issue I had struggled with in the weeks before this appointment had been chronic thrush, insomnia, and a head cold. While struggling with these issues, my body had gotten to a place that it was not responding to the medicine I was taking. No matter what I took prescription, high dosage, etc. the symptoms of my chronic thrush would not subside and blisters were starting to form on my tongue. The only way out of this was through, and with going through meant facing more diet challenges. Starting on the day the sores appeared, I take steps to go on a low carb diet. 50 grams or less per a day. Some call it Keto, I call it living like my ancestors did. Within a week my symptoms were gone, my anxiety was at bay, and I was sleeping all through the night! All by just lowering my carb intake. Now take in mind, I already was on a gluten free, low dairy, no acid diet. Adding low carb which gave me energy and helped keep my colitis at bay was SCARY. I was scared of starving to death! It took me three days with no carbs at first, then added in the low carb and today I feel so much better. My mind is more focused, I have energy, I am calmer.

The second thing was a belief I was carrying around that was keeping me stuck! That belief was God was letting me suffer for no reason! Let’s be honest! Even none believers ask the question, “If God loved us, then why does he let us suffer?” Its not the question or the answer that keeps us stuck, but the belief behind the question. If we truly believed that God was good, we would not question his motive for not rescuing us. My whole life I never believed that God was good, and could be nothing but good. I believed God to be selfish and want his way no matter what I went through. I believed that if I was suffering then I deserved it for a reason. I believed that God was using my suffering to teach me a lesson. At surface level all these conclusions make sense. Yet, being in the midst of the storm, this belief makes it impossible to have hope, and I know God wants me to have hope in Him. So, what it is that is wrong? What is this belief that I carry that keeps me from having so much peace? That God was both good and bad? The truth is that God is and can only be good!

 Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man:But every man is tempted, when he is drawn away of his own lust, and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death.Do not err, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning. James 1:13-17

God had led me to study James in the Bible and in my reading for this particular day these verses came to life. I had read them many times before, but today they came alive and penetrated me deep into my soul. God cannot be tempted of evil neither can he tempt any man. What? A truth hidden in plain sight! God cannot be full of goodness and evil. He has to be one or the other. The next part of this verse tells us where temptation, or trials as defined in the Hebrew language, comes into play. They are not placed in our path by our loving God, they are instilled within our desires and the sinful nature we are born with. A common thing that all humans have and struggle with. This small revelation, made a huge impact on my life at that moment and helped me with the belief that God is good. It changed my perspective! In changing my perspective, it changed this belief that I had been carrying around my whole life.

Within a week, I had two things that made a quick change in my health and in my peace. A balanced diet, and a change in perspective. Now, I am not saying these things are a must for everyone, but what I am saying is that in God’s time, and within my circumstance these were the right steps for me to take. Maybe, you are struggling with chronic health issues, but not eating well? Maybe you have a core belief that you have instilled in your soul that keeps you from having peace? Either way, I know someone who can give you the answers you are looking for, and he is just a prayer away to reveal them to you! Just be honest with him about your thoughts towards him, and be honest with yourself about the daily choices you make and the fear that drives them!

God’s Gifts During Struggle

bykeripayne

Struggle, struggle, struggle. I am beginning to think this is my middle name. Not only am I struggling to feel joy, but I am struggling to come up with anything to write about. I just don’t feel the spirit leading me in that way. I also think I have so much going-on I am definitely compartmentalizing my mind and my activities. Market days are ahead and I am low on inventory. Low is actually an understatement. I don’t have anything! Trying to work around sickness, church, family time, family members with covid, and more personal sickness. To me, household chores are consuming enough. Then you add on a craft business and wham! I am thinking, “What are you doing?” Not to mention my book and my blog, and another book sitting in the files of the computer waiting for attention and the holy spirit to guide me forward. In the midst of all this I feel overwhelmed, I feel pressure, I feel a need to perform at my best. The one thing I am trying to concentrate on instead is gratefulness.I am so blessed beyond what I deserve, but I am constantly getting overwhelmed and lost in the sickness and pressures of life. Everyday I never know what to expect, and this expectation scares me. Will I be hurting today, or sick to my stomach? Will I be depressed and not motivated, or anxious and can’t sit still? These are just a couple examples of the questions I constantly roll over in my mind as I open my eyes to face the day. Every day, I try to push them aside and concentrate on the blessings I have. Trying to stir up some emotion. Any emotion, to feel something other than the all-consuming dread of what I may face today that is not pleasant. As I do this day after day, I realize that counting my blessing isn’t the problem. Being thankful is not the problem. What if the problem might be understanding the goodness of God? In the midst of all my pain, suffering, and blessings how can I grasp the concept that God is good all the time? How can I reach up and grasp hope without crashing when my hopes don’t come to fruition? These are the true questions that are keeping my focus in the midst of my struggling.

As I search for answers, I have found there are a couple of core beliefs that I have mixed up in my mind. I believe these core beliefs are part of my problem. The first one is, if God truly loved me, he would not be giving me this trial, and if he truly cared he would deliver me from it. Second one is, if I don’t control my sickness, I am not going to live that long and it will be my fault. So, with these beliefs, I dig into my bible and look for validation in it. Is this way of thinking accurate to how things are and how God is? These are the verses that brought clarity to me.

James 1:13-14 Let no man say when he is tempted (facing a trial), I am tempted of (from) God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he drawn away of his own lust (desires), and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. Do not err, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

I am going to break down my scenario using this verse. Its like solving a riddle using the word of God as a guide.

Tempted/ facing a trial- My trial is my multiple sicknesses. I don’t like to talk about my health issues, but I would like to give you a glimpse of how it can be all consuming for me. I struggle with Ulcerative colitis, Interstitial cystitis, Migraines, Sjogrens syndrome, Complex post traumatic stress disorder, depression, chronic thrush, and insomnia. Everything I eat can either make these worse or better, yet each illness has its own diet to follow. By the time I get done crossing off the list of things I can’t eat, I am left with very little that won’t sustain me. Trust me I have tried! Not only am I struggling with pain and other annoying issues with each illness, every time I eat, I face the fear of the consequence it may have.

Drawn away of his own lust- My lust or my desire is to not be sick. To not face the struggle that illness can play in my life every day. To avoid pain, fatigue, starvation, anxiety, and depression. To look for a cure and to find the right diet that will be healing and sustain me without symptoms. To take responsibility for my health and gain some control of it all.

Lust hath conceived- When I fall into the role of trying to control, I am neck deep in my lust/desire to not be sick and even deeper in the trap of avoidance. Avoid food, avoid situations, avoid people, avoid anything that will make my illnesses increase in intensity. The trap of avoidance is an all-consuming pit of despair and leaves you feeling hopeless. The more control I think I have, the more faith I put in myself, in the next medicine, in the next doctor’s visit, leaves me in a never ending roller coaster of emotions.

Bringeth forth sin- The sin, I believe, is the dwelling on the problem and a solution. Dwelling on the avoidance, dwelling on my diet, dwelling on my suffering and pain. The funny thing is when I looked for the definition for dwelling this is what came up: A place where someone lives. A house or structure in which someone lives. Where your attention and focus are directed. Not only am I constantly making my bed in the midst of my struggle, but I am constantly focused and have my attention there.

And sin when it is finished bringeth forth death- sin without repentance bringeth forth death. I believe that when you ask for forgiveness of your sins and acknowledge God as the giver of life and Jesus as the sacrifice for sin, then your soul is sealed and there is nothing that can take you away from God and your place in heaven; but I also believe that Satan’s goal for all people is to pull their focus away from God, away from growing in him, away from witnessing what God has done for them. Most importantly he wants you to question God and doubt his ways. Especially as a non-believer looking for answers. As I get stuck in my desire for control and my entire focus is on my circumstance, then my focus is not on God or our relationship. My focus is on me and only me. My desire for relief becomes so strong and consuming it takes up every spare moment I have. I struggle to get past the noise in my head and truly focus on my relationship with God and what he can do for me instead of the fleshly pain I am in. I especially get lost in it when I continue to struggle day after day and God does not seem to answer my prayers.

Every Good and perfect gift comes from above- God’s good and perfect gift from above is not the same good and perfect gift we think it is. We think that Gods good and perfect gifts are answered prayers, health, financial stability, spiritual feeling of wholeness, and consistent joy. These are the things I always thought were true. It brings me back to those core beliefs I have. If God loves me, he would not give me this trial and if you cared he would deliver me. Verse 13 states… Let no man say when he is tempted (facing a trial), I am tempted of (from) God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man… Trials do not come from God. Trials come from living in this sinful world and dealing with our own personal desires. Satan knows our desires and he has the power to place obstacles, thoughts, and people in our path to deter us and lead us astray. Yet, inside the trial and circumstance, God has a good and perfect gift that I never understood until now.

What is this good and perfect gift you ask? The gifts we receive from God our not necessary to sustain our physical desires, but to fill our emotional and spiritual needs. Gods main focus is the salvation and spiritual growth of our souls. Everything God does is for our benefit in these areas. Satan’s goal is to use all his power to attack you and distract this from happening. When we are consumed with our struggle, we see the pain and daily grind of pushing through it, while God sees the growth in character and fruits it is producing. What is also amazing is the other great gifts God has given us to help us through these difficult times.

The list goes on and on, but these are just a few to know the love that God has for you is real and the gifts he wants for you are everlasting. Just think about that. God’s gifts are everlasting and will sustain us! His gifts are everything we need to make it through this world. The only thing we needed is for us to trust and believe in them.

Drowning in Life’s Struggles

bykeripayne

“Just another day in Paradise,” are the words of my youngest son when I asked how his school day went. The honest words of a boy and his sarcastic view on an activity he did not like to do. Today, that was how I felt as I laid my head down on my pillow at bed time. Instead of paradise, I replaced it with misery. Today was another endless day of struggles with chronic illness. One or two days in a row I can handle and keep my head above water. Things don’t look too bad and hope is in the air. When I get to day 5 and 6 of endless pain and fatigue, my mind takes a turn for the deep end of the pool. I can feel myself slowly sinking. As I take a step forward, and no answers or relief are insight, my head starts to go under. My thinking becomes foggy and unclear. My focus is stuck in a whirlpool of emotions and thoughts that become heavy. Before I know it, the heaviness is leading me down into a darker place and I am only able to conjure up the energy to do the basic survival skills. Treading water in the midst of the fogginess takes up everything I have and it takes all my energy not to sink any deeper. Sometimes I look up to see if anyone is coming to rescue me. I see the faces of my friends and family standing on the side of the pool. Their faces are in anguish as they struggle to come up with any idea that can help pull me back to the shallow end. The longer I stay under the more helpless I feel. The more helpless they feel. We become distant with each other as the pool I am sinking in becomes lonely. Sometimes I wonder, “Why don’t they just jump in.” If they would just jump in maybe I could grab ahold of their foot and pull myself up. The realization comes to me, that if they jump in and I pull on them they will sink too. The foggy water can be so consuming for anyone that spends time in it too long. The truth is, there in only one that can get in the water with me and not sink. That person is Jesus. That person alone has the power and abilities to pull me out, but as I continue to pray, it becomes evident that God the Father wants me to swim to the surface on my own. Jesus will be with me every step of the way. He will never leave me nor forsake me, but sometimes God says, “Today my child, instead of me allowing Jesus to pull you from the depths, today I want you to learn how you can swim to the top. My power lies within you, you just got to dig down deep into your thoughts and in your soul and find that one thing that is making you sink. Jesus can deliver you instantly and it will be food for a day, but you can dig down deep and learn what it is that is pulling you down and you can be free for much longer. Jesus will hold you, give you the air you need and the strength to tread water for as long as you need. You have my promise you will not sink too deep because you are mine and I am yours.” As I hold onto that promise I start to dig deep and find that one thing that is missing. That one thought, that one lifeline of hope. Then I realize that hope is what is missing. The thoughts of being alone, the thoughts of were my pain and suffering can lead me to. All of this, plus not having answers to medical issues has left me with no hope. So how do I gain my hope back? Well, I start in the place that has answers. The bible.

I started reading about David this morning when he was stuck in the cave hiding from Saul, and when the philistines overtook him in Gath. The constant theme is trust. David is in the midst of his enemies and he is trusting God in all of it. Myself, I struggle with the calamity at hand (my anxiety and worries) as it overwhelms my thoughts and emotions to the point that trust is a distant emotion. For David trust gives hope. Trust is the lifesaving ring floating at the top of the pool. When I can grab that trust, then hope is attainable. Yet, how do I get trust close to me? How can I trust anything, when I am so consumed with the problem at hand?

As I sit and ponder and continue to read about David, the realization comes to me that being consumed with thoughts of the problem is the problem. I need a break from the problem. I can keep busy today doing housework, or projects; but lets me honest here, that in itself can be kind of depressing and bring on its own set worries and negative emotions. Who really finds great joy in cleaning all day? The end result can bring me joy. Looking back on all the work I was able to accomplish and how neat and tidy everything is can give me a sense of accomplishment. Yet, accomplishment is not the goal. The goal today is to get a little bit closer to trusting God in the midst of the anguish. Well, if anyone can tell us how we can get a little closer to trust it will be David. So, what does David do in the midst of his anguish? We see a pattern over and over again in the psalms of David as he cries out to God in prayer and in song to God.

Psalm 56:1-12

 Be merciful unto me, O God: for man would swallow me up; he fighting daily oppresseth me. Mine enemies would daily swallow me up: for they be many that fight against me, O thou most High. What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee. In God I will praise his word, in God I have put my trust; I will not fear what flesh can do unto me. Every day they wrest my words: all their thoughts are against me for evil. They gather themselves together, they hide themselves, they mark my steps, when they wait for my soul. Shall they escape by iniquity? in thine anger cast down the people, O God. Thou tellest my wanderings: put thou my tears into thy bottle: are they not in thy book? When I cry unto thee, then shall mine enemies turn back: this I know; for God is for me. In God will I praise his word: in the Lord will I praise his word. In God have I put my trust: I will not be afraid what man can do unto me. Thy vows are upon me, O God: I will render praises unto thee.
  1. David cries out for mercy to the one he recognizes as the most powerful, most living, most high. He does this while acknowledging his dilemma. He is honest. Honest about his struggle, honest about how tired and oppressed he is with fighting his enemy. Honest about who the enemy is.
  2. He states what he believes in. This is a strategic move on David’s part. Not just for God to know where his heart lies, but for Satan to know whose army he is a solider of.
  3. Next, He gives more detail about his struggle. He opens up to God and bares his heart to him. He voices his inner most fears and deepest struggle of the fight he is in. He does not walk in denial of it, or in the shame of it. He owns the struggles by not placing blame on others, but stating the facts of how the enemy is pushing his buttons.
  4. Then he asks God questions. Oh Yes! He questions God. A conversation is a two-way street. We engage in conversation with questions. It is not a one-sided conversation for David to have with God, but he engages God to speak back to him. God speaks back through the Holy Spirit. The Holy Spirit has the ability to open up his mind and his perspective and give him a sense of peace and understanding. The Spirit can shower him with confidence in his position in Gods army. The spirit does this by reminding David of Gods promises. The promises that God cares enough to put his tears in a bottle, and the promise that when he cries to God his enemies will retreat.
  5. Lastly, David states again where his confidence lies. He does it for God, for the enemy, and for himself.

The more we repeat something, the more we will believe it. We will find in David’s writings and songs that he is constantly going back and forth from stating his dilemma and the facts of it followed up by his belief and promises of God. I think this is key in moving forward in the battle we are facing. We tend to get so lost in the struggle and sink from the heaviness of the pain. We meditate on the pain looking for answers, we talk about it to others. It becomes our focus that we are consumed with it and the negativity it brings. What we are missing is the balance. The balance of stating our dilemma while also focusing on the truth of what we can trust in. Facts that we can hold onto. Facts about out God, and facts about our situation that are not heavy.

David had hope and trust because he did not let the struggle consume all of him and his thoughts. He had a balance of verbalizing his struggle followed with verbalizing what his God can do with that struggle and the positive facts that are within that struggle. So today, I am going to focus on the balance. In my conversations with others, with my prayers to God, and with my thoughts as I go throughout my day. I will change my “but” statements to an “and” statement.

I will state the struggle, and follow with Gods love for me.I will be honest about how much I dislike God’s strategy to let me flounder to the top of the pool and not rescue me, and I will state the promises of growth he says will come from gaining that balance to float to the top.

I will be honest about the facts of my enemy and how it makes me feel, and I will verbalize the power my God has to help me overcome the enemy and all the grief that surrounds me.

I will ask God for a clear mind, honest perspective, and tell my enemy whose child I am; and I will praise God in worship, in song, and remember where I was and what he has already brought me through.

Before long, I trust that I am going to believe even deeper and stronger in the promises of God and trust in his plan and have hope within my circumstance. The more you repeat something the more your soul with believe it. We can rise in the midst of anguish. I can find peace in the current of suffering. I can’t control my illness, but I can control the thoughts about it and how I choose to deal with it. It will be hard. It will take time and effort I feel I don’t have. But God, will give me the strength to do this and the wisdom to grab hold of thoughts and beliefs that are firm and I can believe in. So, lets do this!

P.S. Are you struggling with Chronic Health issues and feel like no one understands? Share this with those that are close to you. Help give them some insight to what you are going through.

Do you have a friend that suffers? Share this with them so they know they are not alone and you are trying to understand!

A Break from the Noise

bykeripayne

A Christian Meditation to help calm the mind and bring you back into the moment.

I woke up today feeling well rested and blessed for the day before me. I said my mooning prayers and somewhere in the midst my mind started to wander. My mind often wanders. Its my struggle that I deal with, especially during prayer time. As my mind began wandering, I started thinking about the day ahead. The things I hoped to get done. The feelings of joy started to come with thoughts of the activities I loved to do. It all began to wash over me. The more I thought about what I was going to do, the more oppressed I became. The joy started to fade quickly and an overwhelming sense of dread started to to creep in. Those things that I enjoy doing became more of a list I will never get done. Before I know it, I was neck deep in a mind full of task I could not get completed. A sense of failure came over me and the day looked depressing and lonely. I did it again! I told myself I would not do this and here I am drowning in the pressures to get everything done today and feeling hopeless. I was stuck! Stuck in my mind of this cycle of dread. Every time I tried to bring my mind back to the moment it would wander back to the list of things to do. It was at the forefront of my mind and it was not budging. I had to break this cycle of thoughts! I had to get a break from the noise!

I remembered hearing a quote the day before and an idea came to mind! That would be a great meditation exercise to reset my mind. To bring my focus back on the things that God wants me to do today and not on the list of tasks to complete. The thought was, “being in the circle of God.” What does that look like? Well let’s paint the picture and find out and see how it develops.

I will play this on a podcast so you can close your eyes and just follow along, but if you don’t have access to the podcast then I will picture it in words as you read.

“Standing in the presence of God”

I walk up to the gates of what looks like an arena. There are two angels standing on either side of the gate entrance. Their wings are bigger than they are and pointed at the top as they slightly bow forward a foot above their heads. Their halos are iridescent. As they turn their heads you can get a glimpse of the shimmer that the halo is there. The halo is not meant to draw attention or mark any significance in their stature. It’s just a small glow to let you know who they are. The sense of who they are brings you peace, but what really makes you relax is the look on their faces. Their faces are white with a hint of pigment. So soft and smooth without blemish. Their eyes are kind and their lips are small, yet the warmth of a smile seems to be their constant facial expression. The look they give you is so warm and inviting it gives you a sense of peace. A peace that says you belong here, you are safe here, you can rest here for awhile and nothing else matters as much as this moment in time. Their arms outstretch and beckon you to enter the gate of the arena. As you step forward you see the arena has no top and a light so bright and beautiful radiates out the top in all directions. It gives off a sense of power, yet not a power to fear, but a power that brings on a sense of awe and respect. That this place is reverent. Holy. Worthy of respect, and worthy of you to enter. As you walk through the gates, the gates remain open behind you. Your eyes travel around to get the lay of the land. An arena about 30 ft in height and 30 ft in diameter surround you. The base of the arena is a circle surrounded by a wall about 6 ft high. Above that 6ft wall is a ledge where there are seats. Only one row of seats surrounds the arena. These seats are seats like you have never seen before. They have tall backs with arms. They look comfortable yet very prestigious. Almost like those chairs you see at the front of the church for the pastor, but as you look closer, they are made of carved wood with beautiful designs and gems and crystals of all kinds are imbedded in the back, arms and legs of each chair. Each with their own unique design and flare. They have a cushion in the seat area that looks soft and inviting. The color of the cushions is a color never seen before by man. As you look around again you notice the seats are full. Full of men and women. You don’t know how you know this, but you know each and every person sitting in them. Moses, Enoch, and Noah are on your left side. Along with Esther, Deborah, and Bathsheba. On the other side is Peter, David and Paul, as well as Jonah, John the Baptist, and Mary the mother of Jesus. The stories of each person flash before your eyes and gives you a sense that you know these people. They are talking among themselves and smiling down on you. There are many more there you know, but you concentrate on the feeling it brings you to be in their Prescence. A feeling that you have always known these people comes over you and feel like you belong and are among kindred spirits. Then very softly there is a voice that comes from above and says, “Welcome to the circle of God’s love.” Everyone goes quiet and the look of anticipation comes over their faces. The look of love and respect, yet a look that says they feel blessed to be there in that moment. All their eyes turn and focus to the end of the area that it straight ahead of you. Opposite from the gate where I came in. You notice then there is a throne like you have never seen. It is so much bigger than all the other chairs in the arena. It is made of pure gold and is exquisite in design and size. To the right-hand side, your left, is another chair the same size as all the rest yet made of gold like the large throne. A man walks up and sits in the chair. He has a smile on his face so big. He looks like he is trying to reign in his excitement he is so happy. He continues to smile at you and your level of comfort and ease takes on a whole new level. You are wanted here. You belong here. You are worthy to be here. Then with a sound of trumpets everyone stands up and a pillar of light comes in from behind the throne and sits. Everyone sits after he does and the excitement in the room is contagious. Everyone is happy, every one is excited, but what comes across in their body language is this is their favorite time and place to be. What comes next is so amazing that it brings joy to the bystanders that are watching from above.

The white pillar of glowing light sits warmly in the throne and a sense of warmth comes over you. It starts in your heart and slowly spreads out into the limbs of your body. Your chest gets warm then your stomach, your neck and pelvis, your arms, legs, and finally your head. They are filled with a warmth that can only be described as a deep sense of love. A love so deep you feel a freedom that is indescribable. No guilt, no shame, no pain exists here. You feel light as air, as almost you are floating above the floor of the arena. Nothing else matters, but this moment. Then the white pillar leans forward and his face becomes clear. A face so calming and serene a tear comes to your eyes. All the thoughts and fears you ever had slowly slip away as you focus on this man, this God in front of you. Your God. His eyes are full of acceptance, his posture is full of care and concern. The realization of being in God’s presence causes the tears to fall freely. As your tears fall, you feel a sense of relief. A sense of calmness, a sense of belonging. The God before you says, “welcome my child.” Sitting next to him on the right side in the similar throne is Jesus. You didn’t recognize him before, but you do now. With every tear you cry, he is crying too. As you look down, a band of angles surrounds you with bottles, catching your tears as they fall. You look to David and he has a look on his face that says, “see, I told ya.” A family. A deep sense of family comes over you and that is what consumes you. All these people are like family and you belong to them and they to you. This is a safe place, your place. Your focus comes back to God and he is smiling down on you as you take it all in. He can see your thoughts and feel your emotions. He is patient and kind and is in no hurry as you absorb the magnitude of your circumstance. Then he speaks calmly and with such grace and love, another tear falls to the angels with their bottles. “Welcome to my circle of love, my beloved child. I am so happy you are here. This circle represents the deepest aspects of my love. These people here are all recipients of my love. They each have received love from me in different ways, and in different parts of their life. The stories of my love for them I have given to you to bring comfort, joy, and peace to know there is no depth I will not go to make sure you know that I love you. Also, for you to know in all things I will forgive you, comfort you, grow you, and strengthen you. My child, you are so important to me, and I cherish the time we spend together in pray and in my words. Today, this day, is not just your day, it is not just your pressure, it is ours. I am with you where ever you go. I am there to share your load, I am there to help guide you and choose a path, I am there to hold you up when you feel weak, and I am there to guard and protect you when things in life come at you that may be too much. Today, I promise to love you no matter what comes, I promise to love you no matter how much you accomplish. My darling child, today is just a day. Tomorrow will come and the day after that. There is plenty of time to get things done. There is plenty of opportunity to get things accomplished. Today, whatever we do together will be enough. Today, just you being present with me is enough. Today I want you to know, I am with you. Today, I want you to know I care for what you care for, I feel for what you feel for. Today, you are enough and whatever you can give is enough. My dearest child, I got you! I have your time, I have your task, I have your responsibilities and I have your worries and fears. Today I want you to know I will make sure you get it all done, because in my time it is enough. Today, just take one step in front of the other and I will be there to show you, guide you, and give you peace to know together we are enough.”

Now open your eyes. Do you feel the presence of God? He is with you, he will guide your next move, he will help you through this day. Now you just take a step and see what adventure He has in stored and not what your mind tells you must be done.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
To Everything there is a season. A
time to every purpose under the 
Heavens...

What’s the Purpose of Being Still?

bykeripayne

These past couple weeks life has been a complete roller coaster. My anxiety and depression are all over the place as well as uncertainty and a lack of hope and purpose. I guess I have been second guessing everything I have been doing. When I really stop and try to see what this all stems from, it comes from a place of control. You see, if I can control what is going on around me, then I can control the depression, the anxiety, the physical pain that comes with a flare of one of my many medical conditions. If I can just gain the upper hand, then I can somehow maneuver through what ever may come. Then the truth hits and before you know it, I am in the middle of the valley, drowning in a mud puddle of uncertainty on which way to move forward. No matter how much control I think I have, the reality is that I have none. I have no control over what may come jumping out of me when I finally emerge from the puddle, I am in. I eventually am gonna have to make a move. I can’t stay here forever, but which way to I go? Then A small voice comes in and says, be still and know. The thing is I don’t know!!!! I don’t know anything right now except the hurt and pain. The overwhelming emotions that leave me crying at the drop of a single look or word from someone has me consumed. How can I be still and know?

To be still means to stop and pray right? Stop and pray. I can do that, but what if its more than that. What if I stop and pray and don’t plan? Don’t do anything? Don’t plan the next step. Don’t worry about making sure everyone is happy. Don’t worry about the dishes, the laundry, the grocery list. Just stop everything and be still until God says something to me. Just pray and wait. Is that even a logical step to take? My family expects to have their clothes cleaned for work tomorrow, their dinner ready when they get home. Maybe to be still means to stop all expectation, to stop all control of making others happy and just stop. Just pray, wait and see who comes through the door. Wait and see who calls and checks on you today. Who comes to you to vent or talk. What if today, you just be still and do nothing!

Nothing, is a big word! Doing nothing can be scary at times. I have ADD and doing nothing is not an easy thing for me to do. I am always moving, cleaning, checking off a list of things that need to be done. To do nothing is not easy for me, but what if that is just what my body and mind need me to do to slow down my emotional side. Let everything just come to a stop until you know the next move to make. To stop all the chaos in your mind so you can hear God speak to you! The drive for control is so strong, that it drowns out the voice of reason within me. The hard part to see is the humility it is gonna take to admit that I need to do it. I may not be able to control everything around me, but I can control my prayer life and my stillness.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I ask you today to forgive me of all my sins and wipe my slate clean. Forgive me for trying to control everything and help me Lord to be still. Calm my body and my spirit. Show me the next step to take and have confidence to know it is your will and not mine. Help quiet my mind Lord and be okay with letting things go today until I can hear your loving spirit again. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Do you have Comfort, or are you filled with Comfort?

bykeripayne
Comfort comes in many forms

On most given days, you will find me running around doing multiple projects, chores, and errands. I struggle with the desire to feel accomplished. To have the feeling, that I spent my day with great purpose; but at the end of the day, it is a never-ending pit that cannot be filled. I get caught in this trap so often. This trap that my day is only successful as long as I can show progress. Running on a high of emotions that come with being productive. Then after a night of rest, the morning comes and the high of emotion from the previous day is gone, and I start the cycle over. The cycle of being productive to obtain that feeling of great accomplishment that is only temporary.

There are several issues that come with this cycle. First, it requires me to spend a great amount of time in my head. Thinking, planning, and organizing my time to be the most productive. Always knowing the next step in front of me. Second, it consumes my entire day, week, month. Third, it leaves no room for any other joy in my life. No free time, no vacations, no spur of the moment visits or phone calls to others. Lastly, it leaves no time for the Lord. No time to spend with him in word and prayer, and no time to listen and be filled with the comforter to help guide me in my day. What do you mean “The Comforter”? That is a great question. Did you know the comforter is also called the Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit? Jesus made a promise that when he ascended into heaven, he would send a comforter to us…

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. John 14:16-18

But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. John 14:26

What I love about these verses, is we not only have the promise from Jesus of the comforter, but we have the knowledge of what the comforter will do for us. The comforter, the Holy Spirit will come to us upon our belief in God as found also in John 7:39 (But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive: for the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.) We will have him forever and he will dwell with us forever. Then we also see that the Holy Spirit has the ability to teach us all things, and bring all to remembrance. What? That is a two-fold deal right there. So, what does that mean?

It means that upon belief in the Lord we will have the comforter with us forever, but if you have the comforter and add studying God’s word, prayer and worship you can be filled with the comforter.

Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you. And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: Of sin, because they believe not on me; Of righteousness, because I go to my Father, and ye see me no more; Of judgment, because the prince of this world is judged. I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come. He shall glorify me: for he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you. John 16:7-14

To have the spirit is the promise of salvation by Jesus himself, but to be filled with the spirit is an opportunity of honor and responsibility as believers in Christ. We are baptized in the spirit as a symbolism of having the spirit, but the promise of being filled gives us the access to the power of God. That access is presented to us in the form of God word. Through His word he can guide us, speak to us, and show us His love and plan for our lives. It is up to us to take the time to read, study, and pray and worship. By doing this we all have the chance to be filled with the Comforter (Spirit).

So, today my goal is to get out of my head, stop planning for productivity, and sit for awhile with the Lord and be filled with the spirit through studying his word, prayer and worship with music and song as I go throughout my day. It is a better feeling to be filled with the spirit so I can listen and let him guide my day, than it is to chase that feeling of productivity that will fade with the sun.

Does Hope really have power? If so, How?

bykeripayne

I thought four letter words were bad and should not be taken seriously until I met HOPE. In my deepest and darkest of moments I can say hope is something that seems non-existence and truly hard to grasp. It is hard to explain, but there are times when some emotions are almost impossible to remember or experience. I can remember being in misery for so long that I forgot what joy was or what it felt like, or how to conjure it up with thoughts. I would even take time to sit and meditate on joy and find there were no feelings to be found to follow through. Has this ever happened to you? I would tell my doctors that something is just missing and they would look at me with blank faces. Until one day I came across this verse and it made sense to me.

“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” Romans 15:13

So, I am going to break this verse down for you as the Holy Spirit has shown it to me.

  • Now God of hope – God is the beginning and ending of hope, the expert on hope, and the man upstairs who gives out hope.
  • Fill you with joy and peace – HE has the power to fill you with joy and peace. This tells us that joy and peace or linked to what we have hope in. If we lack hope then we don’t have joy and peace. There may be times as I have said before that I couldn’t muster up my joy and peace. In those times, I remember floundering because I had no answers or no Faith in what I was doing or putting my hope in. True hope can fill you with joy and peace.
  • In believing – The importance of our beliefs. This tells us the first place to look when our hope, joy and peace are disturbed is to look at what we believe in. For me, this one, is the key. I have often found myself believing in something that has no merit, no hope of a good end, and that is not what God wants for us. Other times there are beliefs that other say are true that are contradictor to your peace in God. When this happens, it is of great importance to look it up in your scripture and study the entirety of the answer. Look at the scripture in its setting and what is going on in the story as well as multiple scripture throughout the Bible talking about the same subject, then draw a conclusion. You will be amazed at what you find and peace in having a true answer and believing in it.
  • That ye may abound in hope – God’s desire is for us to abound and live with hope. Hope is what gets us through each day. You can have hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is God’s light shining for us a pathway to him, or you can believe its Satan standing with a flashlight leading you astray. Each belief has power, but which one has a path out of the dark pit, and which one leads you further down?
  • Through the power of the Holy Ghost – God has promised those who believe in him the gift of a comforter to abide with them. That comforter is the Holy Ghost. Some people recognized it as their conscience. Others as an entity to guide them right and wrong. I believe the Holy Ghost is many things, and you will find that as you study multiple scriptures on the subject, but in this verse, it defines the Holy Ghost as one who has power. Not just any power, but power to instill and give hope. The power to guide us to a place of hope again. I don’t think the Holy Ghost is necessarily like a fairy godmother that waves its magic wand and poof! You have hope again. I think the Holy Ghost is deliberate, careful, and slow to teach us how to have hope again. You know that saying, “give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime”? If the Holy Ghost just gave it to us, it would burn out when we used it all up, but if the Holy Ghost took the time to guide us on how to obtain and have hope, then we can acquire it at anytime in the future.

So many times, I would often get mad at God for not granting me hope that I had earnestly prayed for. Why would he want me to suffer so? This verse shows me that God does not want me to suffer, but that in doing things His way, He wants to grow me. Grow me to trust in Him and in His promises, grow me in my mental and emotional development, and grow me to understand the power I can have with his help to conquer the deepest and darkest of hopeless places. All it takes is a mustard seed of faith and we will see our mountains become small, our deeply planted roots of anguish uprooted and planted in the depths of the sea, and our lives flourish into a tree where others find hope and security. (Matthew 13:31, Mark 4:31, Luke 13:19, Luke 17:6)


 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: 
for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, 
ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; 
and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20

Perfection is my Enemy

bykeripayne

Be perfect, be normal, be regular. These are statements we all hear on a daily basis. An expectation to be perfect and act perfect and make perfect decisions and choices. The pressure to never make a mistake, because if we do, we are judged and put in a box that says, “weak, unworthy, unlovable.”

Most of all is the expectation to be perfect as a Christian. Perfect as a witness for God. Perfect as a virtuous woman. Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe you’re a man and you feel the pressure to be the perfect spiritual leader in your house, the perfect deacon at church, or the perfect witness on your job sight. Why do we do this? Because we have a core belief that the Bible says once you’re a believer in God you must be perfect all the time. Especially as a confessed believer, because if you don’t the fear of making a mistake will lead others astray, kill your witness, or keep you from God’s forgiveness. Well, in my searching of the Bible I have found this core belief to not be so accurate. As well as my personal experience with forgiveness.

I got pregnant at the age of 14. One of the most unforgiveable, unworthy things a young lady can ever do. By getting pregnant I was looked upon very negatively by most all people. I was judged without anyone ever trying to get to know me. I was called a whore, a promiscuous girl, a tramp. I lost friendships and was dissuaded from participating in anything biblically related. Instead of being tagged with a scarlet “A” on my chest, I felt like I carried a scarlet “P”. As though I had a disease that could be caught. Most importantly, with the tag on my chest I could walk into a room and everyone could participate in the only cure for my transgressions. That cure was judgment and isolation. One action, one choice, one vulnerable moment and I was put into a box. The box that says, “weak, unworthy, unlovable.” Not by the unconfessed sinners of my life. Oh no! I became a knew person in their eyes, but to the eyes of my fellow believers I was trash.

My so-called perfect image was lost forever and I would spend many hours, weeks and days trying to gain forgiveness. The only way to forgiveness and acceptance was to regain my perfect status. To be perfect all the time, and make no unforgivable choices from that day forward. Well, that was a bust. It wasn’t long and before I knew it, I would make another choice, and another that would be deemed as wrong. It wasn’t an action as big as getting pregnant, but it was how I handled the trauma and life altering events in my life that everyone disagreed on how I should handle it. There was no perfect solution, and no matter what I did someone would get hurt. Until…

Until I made a decision one dark night in the woods, holding my 3-month-old son, running from the chaos that had become my life. Every decision was going to be a mistake no matter what way I looked at it. I knew if I was going to give this dear child a life of love and acceptance something had to change. That something was me. From that night forward I chose to take one step closer to God. To make God the Lord of my life, not just the Lord of my soul. I was saved at the age of 9. My salvation did not keep me from making many imperfect decisions. But my salvation did allow me to be forgiven. It did allow me the right to call upon my heavenly father and have a direct relationship with him.

Till this day I still struggle with perfectionism. I think it is something I will always struggle with. When my life took another turn a few years ago all the trauma and life experience I went through caught up with me. I experience major bouts of depression and overwhelming anxiety. With this struggle I made another decision to get as close to God as I could, no matter the cost. I did this by reading His word and searching for truth. Truth to what he really sees as perfection. What His expectations of me really were. And I found these verses with a few more.

Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect  (Thoroughly complete) in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21 

As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? Or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength an maketh my way perfect (my life, my journey, without spot, and complete). Psalm 18:30-32

God’s blood alone makes me perfect. With me accepting His sacrifice of his son and choosing to live my best life as a Christian, God works his will. God doesn’t say we need to be perfect. God says He is perfect and if we trust in him, he will give us the strength to battle this life and through our journey He will make our lives complete and perfect. It takes a journey. A lifetime of learning. It takes time in your life to grow and complete you. The potter is patient and willing to keep trying no matter how many times we flatten out and fail to stand. All the experiences, the imperfections, the judgement from others has grown me and my relationship with the Lord. It has caused me to search for answers and with that search has come a life not worried so much about being perfect. Let face it, there is no way I will ever be perfect in everyone’s eyes. The more I try the more I fail. Instead of wasting my time trying to be perfect, I will spend my time living like I am loved and forgiven. So, in order to be perfect in God’s eyes I will move forward in my relationship with him. First to be humble and honest for my choices and who I am as a person. Once I became honest, the Lord was able to move in my life in ways I never thought possible. I am free to be me! Flaws and all, and as I grow in my relationship with God, everything just comes together. I can’t explain how, but I can encourage and support you in your journey to lay perfection aside and embrace this wonderful freedom you can have in Christ.

P.S. Notice I didn't use the word mistake, but imperfect choices. I do not believe my son was a mistake and will never use that title to describe him. Both of my children are a blessing from God. Through trusting me with their lives and upbringing it has brought me closer to Him and shown me how much love plays an impact our our lives in the most beautiful ways. At the age of 38 I had a complete hysterectomy due to sever endometriosis. My doctor said it was the worse case she had seen in 10 years and couldn't have had more children if I wanted them. He gave me a blessing when I didn't know I would have wanted or needed it. God is good all the time!