Tag: depression

God’s Gifts During Struggle

bykeripayne

Struggle, struggle, struggle. I am beginning to think this is my middle name. Not only am I struggling to feel joy, but I am struggling to come up with anything to write about. I just don’t feel the spirit leading me in that way. I also think I have so much going-on I am definitely compartmentalizing my mind and my activities. Market days are ahead and I am low on inventory. Low is actually an understatement. I don’t have anything! Trying to work around sickness, church, family time, family members with covid, and more personal sickness. To me, household chores are consuming enough. Then you add on a craft business and wham! I am thinking, “What are you doing?” Not to mention my book and my blog, and another book sitting in the files of the computer waiting for attention and the holy spirit to guide me forward. In the midst of all this I feel overwhelmed, I feel pressure, I feel a need to perform at my best. The one thing I am trying to concentrate on instead is gratefulness.I am so blessed beyond what I deserve, but I am constantly getting overwhelmed and lost in the sickness and pressures of life. Everyday I never know what to expect, and this expectation scares me. Will I be hurting today, or sick to my stomach? Will I be depressed and not motivated, or anxious and can’t sit still? These are just a couple examples of the questions I constantly roll over in my mind as I open my eyes to face the day. Every day, I try to push them aside and concentrate on the blessings I have. Trying to stir up some emotion. Any emotion, to feel something other than the all-consuming dread of what I may face today that is not pleasant. As I do this day after day, I realize that counting my blessing isn’t the problem. Being thankful is not the problem. What if the problem might be understanding the goodness of God? In the midst of all my pain, suffering, and blessings how can I grasp the concept that God is good all the time? How can I reach up and grasp hope without crashing when my hopes don’t come to fruition? These are the true questions that are keeping my focus in the midst of my struggling.

As I search for answers, I have found there are a couple of core beliefs that I have mixed up in my mind. I believe these core beliefs are part of my problem. The first one is, if God truly loved me, he would not be giving me this trial, and if he truly cared he would deliver me from it. Second one is, if I don’t control my sickness, I am not going to live that long and it will be my fault. So, with these beliefs, I dig into my bible and look for validation in it. Is this way of thinking accurate to how things are and how God is? These are the verses that brought clarity to me.

James 1:13-14 Let no man say when he is tempted (facing a trial), I am tempted of (from) God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man: But every man is tempted, when he drawn away of his own lust (desires), and enticed. Then when lust hath conceived, it bringeth forth sin: and sin, when it is finished, bringeth forth death. Do not err, my beloved brethren. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

I am going to break down my scenario using this verse. Its like solving a riddle using the word of God as a guide.

Tempted/ facing a trial- My trial is my multiple sicknesses. I don’t like to talk about my health issues, but I would like to give you a glimpse of how it can be all consuming for me. I struggle with Ulcerative colitis, Interstitial cystitis, Migraines, Sjogrens syndrome, Complex post traumatic stress disorder, depression, chronic thrush, and insomnia. Everything I eat can either make these worse or better, yet each illness has its own diet to follow. By the time I get done crossing off the list of things I can’t eat, I am left with very little that won’t sustain me. Trust me I have tried! Not only am I struggling with pain and other annoying issues with each illness, every time I eat, I face the fear of the consequence it may have.

Drawn away of his own lust- My lust or my desire is to not be sick. To not face the struggle that illness can play in my life every day. To avoid pain, fatigue, starvation, anxiety, and depression. To look for a cure and to find the right diet that will be healing and sustain me without symptoms. To take responsibility for my health and gain some control of it all.

Lust hath conceived- When I fall into the role of trying to control, I am neck deep in my lust/desire to not be sick and even deeper in the trap of avoidance. Avoid food, avoid situations, avoid people, avoid anything that will make my illnesses increase in intensity. The trap of avoidance is an all-consuming pit of despair and leaves you feeling hopeless. The more control I think I have, the more faith I put in myself, in the next medicine, in the next doctor’s visit, leaves me in a never ending roller coaster of emotions.

Bringeth forth sin- The sin, I believe, is the dwelling on the problem and a solution. Dwelling on the avoidance, dwelling on my diet, dwelling on my suffering and pain. The funny thing is when I looked for the definition for dwelling this is what came up: A place where someone lives. A house or structure in which someone lives. Where your attention and focus are directed. Not only am I constantly making my bed in the midst of my struggle, but I am constantly focused and have my attention there.

And sin when it is finished bringeth forth death- sin without repentance bringeth forth death. I believe that when you ask for forgiveness of your sins and acknowledge God as the giver of life and Jesus as the sacrifice for sin, then your soul is sealed and there is nothing that can take you away from God and your place in heaven; but I also believe that Satan’s goal for all people is to pull their focus away from God, away from growing in him, away from witnessing what God has done for them. Most importantly he wants you to question God and doubt his ways. Especially as a non-believer looking for answers. As I get stuck in my desire for control and my entire focus is on my circumstance, then my focus is not on God or our relationship. My focus is on me and only me. My desire for relief becomes so strong and consuming it takes up every spare moment I have. I struggle to get past the noise in my head and truly focus on my relationship with God and what he can do for me instead of the fleshly pain I am in. I especially get lost in it when I continue to struggle day after day and God does not seem to answer my prayers.

Every Good and perfect gift comes from above- God’s good and perfect gift from above is not the same good and perfect gift we think it is. We think that Gods good and perfect gifts are answered prayers, health, financial stability, spiritual feeling of wholeness, and consistent joy. These are the things I always thought were true. It brings me back to those core beliefs I have. If God loves me, he would not give me this trial and if you cared he would deliver me. Verse 13 states… Let no man say when he is tempted (facing a trial), I am tempted of (from) God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man… Trials do not come from God. Trials come from living in this sinful world and dealing with our own personal desires. Satan knows our desires and he has the power to place obstacles, thoughts, and people in our path to deter us and lead us astray. Yet, inside the trial and circumstance, God has a good and perfect gift that I never understood until now.

What is this good and perfect gift you ask? The gifts we receive from God our not necessary to sustain our physical desires, but to fill our emotional and spiritual needs. Gods main focus is the salvation and spiritual growth of our souls. Everything God does is for our benefit in these areas. Satan’s goal is to use all his power to attack you and distract this from happening. When we are consumed with our struggle, we see the pain and daily grind of pushing through it, while God sees the growth in character and fruits it is producing. What is also amazing is the other great gifts God has given us to help us through these difficult times.

The list goes on and on, but these are just a few to know the love that God has for you is real and the gifts he wants for you are everlasting. Just think about that. God’s gifts are everlasting and will sustain us! His gifts are everything we need to make it through this world. The only thing we needed is for us to trust and believe in them.

A Break from the Noise

bykeripayne

A Christian Meditation to help calm the mind and bring you back into the moment.

I woke up today feeling well rested and blessed for the day before me. I said my mooning prayers and somewhere in the midst my mind started to wander. My mind often wanders. Its my struggle that I deal with, especially during prayer time. As my mind began wandering, I started thinking about the day ahead. The things I hoped to get done. The feelings of joy started to come with thoughts of the activities I loved to do. It all began to wash over me. The more I thought about what I was going to do, the more oppressed I became. The joy started to fade quickly and an overwhelming sense of dread started to to creep in. Those things that I enjoy doing became more of a list I will never get done. Before I know it, I was neck deep in a mind full of task I could not get completed. A sense of failure came over me and the day looked depressing and lonely. I did it again! I told myself I would not do this and here I am drowning in the pressures to get everything done today and feeling hopeless. I was stuck! Stuck in my mind of this cycle of dread. Every time I tried to bring my mind back to the moment it would wander back to the list of things to do. It was at the forefront of my mind and it was not budging. I had to break this cycle of thoughts! I had to get a break from the noise!

I remembered hearing a quote the day before and an idea came to mind! That would be a great meditation exercise to reset my mind. To bring my focus back on the things that God wants me to do today and not on the list of tasks to complete. The thought was, “being in the circle of God.” What does that look like? Well let’s paint the picture and find out and see how it develops.

I will play this on a podcast so you can close your eyes and just follow along, but if you don’t have access to the podcast then I will picture it in words as you read.

“Standing in the presence of God”

I walk up to the gates of what looks like an arena. There are two angels standing on either side of the gate entrance. Their wings are bigger than they are and pointed at the top as they slightly bow forward a foot above their heads. Their halos are iridescent. As they turn their heads you can get a glimpse of the shimmer that the halo is there. The halo is not meant to draw attention or mark any significance in their stature. It’s just a small glow to let you know who they are. The sense of who they are brings you peace, but what really makes you relax is the look on their faces. Their faces are white with a hint of pigment. So soft and smooth without blemish. Their eyes are kind and their lips are small, yet the warmth of a smile seems to be their constant facial expression. The look they give you is so warm and inviting it gives you a sense of peace. A peace that says you belong here, you are safe here, you can rest here for awhile and nothing else matters as much as this moment in time. Their arms outstretch and beckon you to enter the gate of the arena. As you step forward you see the arena has no top and a light so bright and beautiful radiates out the top in all directions. It gives off a sense of power, yet not a power to fear, but a power that brings on a sense of awe and respect. That this place is reverent. Holy. Worthy of respect, and worthy of you to enter. As you walk through the gates, the gates remain open behind you. Your eyes travel around to get the lay of the land. An arena about 30 ft in height and 30 ft in diameter surround you. The base of the arena is a circle surrounded by a wall about 6 ft high. Above that 6ft wall is a ledge where there are seats. Only one row of seats surrounds the arena. These seats are seats like you have never seen before. They have tall backs with arms. They look comfortable yet very prestigious. Almost like those chairs you see at the front of the church for the pastor, but as you look closer, they are made of carved wood with beautiful designs and gems and crystals of all kinds are imbedded in the back, arms and legs of each chair. Each with their own unique design and flare. They have a cushion in the seat area that looks soft and inviting. The color of the cushions is a color never seen before by man. As you look around again you notice the seats are full. Full of men and women. You don’t know how you know this, but you know each and every person sitting in them. Moses, Enoch, and Noah are on your left side. Along with Esther, Deborah, and Bathsheba. On the other side is Peter, David and Paul, as well as Jonah, John the Baptist, and Mary the mother of Jesus. The stories of each person flash before your eyes and gives you a sense that you know these people. They are talking among themselves and smiling down on you. There are many more there you know, but you concentrate on the feeling it brings you to be in their Prescence. A feeling that you have always known these people comes over you and feel like you belong and are among kindred spirits. Then very softly there is a voice that comes from above and says, “Welcome to the circle of God’s love.” Everyone goes quiet and the look of anticipation comes over their faces. The look of love and respect, yet a look that says they feel blessed to be there in that moment. All their eyes turn and focus to the end of the area that it straight ahead of you. Opposite from the gate where I came in. You notice then there is a throne like you have never seen. It is so much bigger than all the other chairs in the arena. It is made of pure gold and is exquisite in design and size. To the right-hand side, your left, is another chair the same size as all the rest yet made of gold like the large throne. A man walks up and sits in the chair. He has a smile on his face so big. He looks like he is trying to reign in his excitement he is so happy. He continues to smile at you and your level of comfort and ease takes on a whole new level. You are wanted here. You belong here. You are worthy to be here. Then with a sound of trumpets everyone stands up and a pillar of light comes in from behind the throne and sits. Everyone sits after he does and the excitement in the room is contagious. Everyone is happy, every one is excited, but what comes across in their body language is this is their favorite time and place to be. What comes next is so amazing that it brings joy to the bystanders that are watching from above.

The white pillar of glowing light sits warmly in the throne and a sense of warmth comes over you. It starts in your heart and slowly spreads out into the limbs of your body. Your chest gets warm then your stomach, your neck and pelvis, your arms, legs, and finally your head. They are filled with a warmth that can only be described as a deep sense of love. A love so deep you feel a freedom that is indescribable. No guilt, no shame, no pain exists here. You feel light as air, as almost you are floating above the floor of the arena. Nothing else matters, but this moment. Then the white pillar leans forward and his face becomes clear. A face so calming and serene a tear comes to your eyes. All the thoughts and fears you ever had slowly slip away as you focus on this man, this God in front of you. Your God. His eyes are full of acceptance, his posture is full of care and concern. The realization of being in God’s presence causes the tears to fall freely. As your tears fall, you feel a sense of relief. A sense of calmness, a sense of belonging. The God before you says, “welcome my child.” Sitting next to him on the right side in the similar throne is Jesus. You didn’t recognize him before, but you do now. With every tear you cry, he is crying too. As you look down, a band of angles surrounds you with bottles, catching your tears as they fall. You look to David and he has a look on his face that says, “see, I told ya.” A family. A deep sense of family comes over you and that is what consumes you. All these people are like family and you belong to them and they to you. This is a safe place, your place. Your focus comes back to God and he is smiling down on you as you take it all in. He can see your thoughts and feel your emotions. He is patient and kind and is in no hurry as you absorb the magnitude of your circumstance. Then he speaks calmly and with such grace and love, another tear falls to the angels with their bottles. “Welcome to my circle of love, my beloved child. I am so happy you are here. This circle represents the deepest aspects of my love. These people here are all recipients of my love. They each have received love from me in different ways, and in different parts of their life. The stories of my love for them I have given to you to bring comfort, joy, and peace to know there is no depth I will not go to make sure you know that I love you. Also, for you to know in all things I will forgive you, comfort you, grow you, and strengthen you. My child, you are so important to me, and I cherish the time we spend together in pray and in my words. Today, this day, is not just your day, it is not just your pressure, it is ours. I am with you where ever you go. I am there to share your load, I am there to help guide you and choose a path, I am there to hold you up when you feel weak, and I am there to guard and protect you when things in life come at you that may be too much. Today, I promise to love you no matter what comes, I promise to love you no matter how much you accomplish. My darling child, today is just a day. Tomorrow will come and the day after that. There is plenty of time to get things done. There is plenty of opportunity to get things accomplished. Today, whatever we do together will be enough. Today, just you being present with me is enough. Today I want you to know, I am with you. Today, I want you to know I care for what you care for, I feel for what you feel for. Today, you are enough and whatever you can give is enough. My dearest child, I got you! I have your time, I have your task, I have your responsibilities and I have your worries and fears. Today I want you to know I will make sure you get it all done, because in my time it is enough. Today, just take one step in front of the other and I will be there to show you, guide you, and give you peace to know together we are enough.”

Now open your eyes. Do you feel the presence of God? He is with you, he will guide your next move, he will help you through this day. Now you just take a step and see what adventure He has in stored and not what your mind tells you must be done.

Ecclesiastes 3:1
To Everything there is a season. A
time to every purpose under the 
Heavens...

What’s the Purpose of Being Still?

bykeripayne

These past couple weeks life has been a complete roller coaster. My anxiety and depression are all over the place as well as uncertainty and a lack of hope and purpose. I guess I have been second guessing everything I have been doing. When I really stop and try to see what this all stems from, it comes from a place of control. You see, if I can control what is going on around me, then I can control the depression, the anxiety, the physical pain that comes with a flare of one of my many medical conditions. If I can just gain the upper hand, then I can somehow maneuver through what ever may come. Then the truth hits and before you know it, I am in the middle of the valley, drowning in a mud puddle of uncertainty on which way to move forward. No matter how much control I think I have, the reality is that I have none. I have no control over what may come jumping out of me when I finally emerge from the puddle, I am in. I eventually am gonna have to make a move. I can’t stay here forever, but which way to I go? Then A small voice comes in and says, be still and know. The thing is I don’t know!!!! I don’t know anything right now except the hurt and pain. The overwhelming emotions that leave me crying at the drop of a single look or word from someone has me consumed. How can I be still and know?

To be still means to stop and pray right? Stop and pray. I can do that, but what if its more than that. What if I stop and pray and don’t plan? Don’t do anything? Don’t plan the next step. Don’t worry about making sure everyone is happy. Don’t worry about the dishes, the laundry, the grocery list. Just stop everything and be still until God says something to me. Just pray and wait. Is that even a logical step to take? My family expects to have their clothes cleaned for work tomorrow, their dinner ready when they get home. Maybe to be still means to stop all expectation, to stop all control of making others happy and just stop. Just pray, wait and see who comes through the door. Wait and see who calls and checks on you today. Who comes to you to vent or talk. What if today, you just be still and do nothing!

Nothing, is a big word! Doing nothing can be scary at times. I have ADD and doing nothing is not an easy thing for me to do. I am always moving, cleaning, checking off a list of things that need to be done. To do nothing is not easy for me, but what if that is just what my body and mind need me to do to slow down my emotional side. Let everything just come to a stop until you know the next move to make. To stop all the chaos in your mind so you can hear God speak to you! The drive for control is so strong, that it drowns out the voice of reason within me. The hard part to see is the humility it is gonna take to admit that I need to do it. I may not be able to control everything around me, but I can control my prayer life and my stillness.

Dear Heavenly Father,
I ask you today to forgive me of all my sins and wipe my slate clean. Forgive me for trying to control everything and help me Lord to be still. Calm my body and my spirit. Show me the next step to take and have confidence to know it is your will and not mine. Help quiet my mind Lord and be okay with letting things go today until I can hear your loving spirit again. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.

Does Hope really have power? If so, How?

bykeripayne

I thought four letter words were bad and should not be taken seriously until I met HOPE. In my deepest and darkest of moments I can say hope is something that seems non-existence and truly hard to grasp. It is hard to explain, but there are times when some emotions are almost impossible to remember or experience. I can remember being in misery for so long that I forgot what joy was or what it felt like, or how to conjure it up with thoughts. I would even take time to sit and meditate on joy and find there were no feelings to be found to follow through. Has this ever happened to you? I would tell my doctors that something is just missing and they would look at me with blank faces. Until one day I came across this verse and it made sense to me.

“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” Romans 15:13

So, I am going to break this verse down for you as the Holy Spirit has shown it to me.

  • Now God of hope – God is the beginning and ending of hope, the expert on hope, and the man upstairs who gives out hope.
  • Fill you with joy and peace – HE has the power to fill you with joy and peace. This tells us that joy and peace or linked to what we have hope in. If we lack hope then we don’t have joy and peace. There may be times as I have said before that I couldn’t muster up my joy and peace. In those times, I remember floundering because I had no answers or no Faith in what I was doing or putting my hope in. True hope can fill you with joy and peace.
  • In believing – The importance of our beliefs. This tells us the first place to look when our hope, joy and peace are disturbed is to look at what we believe in. For me, this one, is the key. I have often found myself believing in something that has no merit, no hope of a good end, and that is not what God wants for us. Other times there are beliefs that other say are true that are contradictor to your peace in God. When this happens, it is of great importance to look it up in your scripture and study the entirety of the answer. Look at the scripture in its setting and what is going on in the story as well as multiple scripture throughout the Bible talking about the same subject, then draw a conclusion. You will be amazed at what you find and peace in having a true answer and believing in it.
  • That ye may abound in hope – God’s desire is for us to abound and live with hope. Hope is what gets us through each day. You can have hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is God’s light shining for us a pathway to him, or you can believe its Satan standing with a flashlight leading you astray. Each belief has power, but which one has a path out of the dark pit, and which one leads you further down?
  • Through the power of the Holy Ghost – God has promised those who believe in him the gift of a comforter to abide with them. That comforter is the Holy Ghost. Some people recognized it as their conscience. Others as an entity to guide them right and wrong. I believe the Holy Ghost is many things, and you will find that as you study multiple scriptures on the subject, but in this verse, it defines the Holy Ghost as one who has power. Not just any power, but power to instill and give hope. The power to guide us to a place of hope again. I don’t think the Holy Ghost is necessarily like a fairy godmother that waves its magic wand and poof! You have hope again. I think the Holy Ghost is deliberate, careful, and slow to teach us how to have hope again. You know that saying, “give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime”? If the Holy Ghost just gave it to us, it would burn out when we used it all up, but if the Holy Ghost took the time to guide us on how to obtain and have hope, then we can acquire it at anytime in the future.

So many times, I would often get mad at God for not granting me hope that I had earnestly prayed for. Why would he want me to suffer so? This verse shows me that God does not want me to suffer, but that in doing things His way, He wants to grow me. Grow me to trust in Him and in His promises, grow me in my mental and emotional development, and grow me to understand the power I can have with his help to conquer the deepest and darkest of hopeless places. All it takes is a mustard seed of faith and we will see our mountains become small, our deeply planted roots of anguish uprooted and planted in the depths of the sea, and our lives flourish into a tree where others find hope and security. (Matthew 13:31, Mark 4:31, Luke 13:19, Luke 17:6)


 And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: 
for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, 
ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; 
and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you. Matthew 17:20

What is complex post traumatic stress disorder?

bykeripayne
Good days are possible!

First, I must say that I am not a medical professional and if you suspect you may be suffering from PTSD and CPTSD please seek medical help. This article is to take a peek at the terminology and my own personal trauma and struggles.

Complex PTSD is a new term in the medical field and one you do not hear much about. I think as my generation and the ones behind me mature, it will become more commonly used and talked about. We associate PTSD with combat warriors that have come home from war after experiencing a traumatic event. It is easy for us to understand if the traumatic event involves some kind of physical affliction, but the truth is it most commonly appears in those without external blemish or scar. To understand this, we must first understand there are 4 different bodies that make up our one. In my book I describe these and touch on them, but today I am just going to touch a little on them. They are:

Physical Body

Mental Body

Spiritual Body

Emotional Body

Each of these bodies represent us as a whole. I believe they are intertwined and when healing the body, we must treat all areas and not just one. Our medical field and insurance companies are not set up this way. To get help in all areas at the same time cost a fortune, takes applications and multiple physicians and often people do not get the help they need to heal. For PTSD sufferers, I believe the trauma they have experience affects the mental body due to a threat to the physical body of ourselves or others we are close to. A continued state of arousal to protect the physical body messes with our Mental stability while triggering an emotional response. I call it survival mode. PTSD is used to describe those who have suffered one life altering event, while Complex PTSD is used to describe those who have suffered a series of life altering events that have occurred over an extended period of time. Those life altering events keep you in a heightened state of survival mode. Fear of what will come next, constantly being proactive to avoid the next round of mental threat or physical blow to your person. While at the same time keeping your emotional body under control. Sounds very complicated right?

In my personal experience I could never understand why my anxiety and depression appeared when it did in my life. Let alone extreme panic episodes where my body felt like it was so out of control. Why at this time in my life was this happening? Some call it a “midlife crisis”, others call it a “mental break down.” For me I call it my “had enough alarm.” My body simply had enough trauma that it was overwhelmed and could not deal with any more. I learned that my bucket was overflowed. My body had dealt with so much that my mind could not take on anymore. The series of things I experienced in my life and the order in which they arrived, left me in a state of constant survival mode. Everything triggered me. I never realized it before this happened, but I always sit in the corner of a room with my back to the wall. Loud noises and especially yelling or arguing triggered my defenses as well as my severe need to put walls up and not trust anyone. I trusted no one and had a right not to. I had been hurt over and over again. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.

First, it started with sexual abuse as a child. When that person was finally out of reach, in enter this smooth-talking teenage guy who gave me the attention and affection I so strongly needed. Until my naivety with men and relationships found me pregnant at the age of 14. 14 and pregnant and I was trapped. I was told that this man would be in my life forever and I had to make the best of it. So, I did. Within a month of finding out I was pregnant; he was living with me and I made the best of it. Little did me or my family know that path we would go down from that day forward. To make the story short. I loved him dearly and I think at one time he loved me too, but something changed in him. He became very mean and emotionally abusive. He started drinking all the time and I found myself at 15 and 16 taking him to bars and being his DD. (Yes, there are bars in the backwoods that will allow teenagers in.) We fought constantly as well as with my parents. He would leave and come back a total of 13 times in our relationship. He dated almost every one of my friends till I had very few people I could trust or count on. He told me I was a tramp, and no one would want me when he got done with me. That I was used goods. That I was stupid and ugly. Most of all he said that no one liked me, and no one could stand me. They all just put up with me because they had to. That he was only with me to get what he could from me. I believed him. I believed it all. When he told me that last statement, I found my exiting backbone and proceeded to the closes exit. On my way out the door, he would threaten my families lives, my child’s safety in my arms, and my reputation in the community. It became a toxic relationship to me and threatened my security and mental well being. Little did I know at the age of 16 how this man that I had loved so dearly, could impact my life and mental health indefinitely.

From there I finally gained some independence. I worked to graduate from High school as well as take some college courses while holding down a manager job for a local fast-food chain. I finally felt like I had some control over my choices and circumstances. I met my husband at the age of 18 and got married to him at the age of 20. He was a breath of fresh air. I had found someone who truly loved me and support me. I would not realize the extent until late in life, but God gave him to me and His timing was impeccable, but I never did stop looking over my back. I Never knew when chaos would come around the corner and destroy what happiness I had. Even when me ex finally signed his parental rights away. I still worried he would enter and turn it all upside down. Then at the age of 22 and the birth of my second child my life took another turn. Illness.

At the age of 15 I struggled with a heart arrythmia that was brought on due to stress. A Benign condition that I dint’ know was benign until 23 years later. Then I was diagnosed with cystic acne and had nickel size pockets of infection appear on my face. Then at the age 22 I became pregnant with my youngest son and was extremely sick for the whole 9 months. When he was 5 months old, I was diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis. I spent 10 years struggling with the disease that later became ulcerative colitis as well as IBS. Then came migraines, then Interstitial cystitis, with minor bouts of depression creeping in. Then I struggled with Gastritis and GERD with a sore throat I could not get to go away. Six years struggling with this sore throat, and finding a doctor that would believe it was not all in my head, I was finally diagnosed with a positive blood test for Sjogren’s Syndrome. But my victory was not accepted well. During this six year I had my tonsils removed, my gallbladder removed, had to leave my job, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. But that’s not all folks. I also had an extreme flare of endometriosis which led to 3 more surgeries in six months. Exploratory surgery for diagnosis, a complete hysterectomy and later a pelvic mass that enveloped one of my tubes that went from my kidney to my bladder. Six weeks post op I mentally crashed. You see, just before my last surgery my doctors pulled me off all depression and anxiety medications to let my body detox because I was struggling to find a medicine that would help with my depression. I tried out-patient group therapy, but I was too far gone at that point. The trauma of all these threats to my physical body played its toll on my mental stability and I finally checked myself into the hospital for help. From there I was diagnosed with insomnia, unspecified panic disorder, major depression disorder, and later Complex PTSD.

My body will attack itself without warning. The wonder gift of multiple autoimmune disorders. The food I eat, the environment I’m in, and the stress I experience. They all have an influence whether or not I will experience any physical pain today. The more I try to avoid the physical pain the more anxious I become. Sometimes I will be eating and become extremely nauseous and start shaking, because my subconscious brain is triggered by knowing that food alone will make me sick today. Sometimes it can be a group of people that are loud, or the threat of a stomach bug or another migraine. Years of not being in control. Years of physical pain. Years of traumatic experience and medical diagnosis left me with a beautiful mixed up brain and a diagnosis of Complex PTSD.

I never thought it could happen but I do have better days than not. It is absolutely amazing how much a person can go through both physically, mentally, and emotionally and still come out on top. This is where my spiritual body comes into play. The spiritual body is where my core belief systems lies. With lots of class on coping skills and counseling, as well as bible studying, I have a foundation that I can put my trust and faith in. “I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me,” Philippians 4:13. Before I was wandering around struggling to trust, and a mind so confused by the chaos and mixed up core beliefs, I could not move forward. Today I find myself repeating three verse. These verses are my heart and soul of what I strive to keep my faith in every day. As well as Philippians 4:13:

“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11

“And we know that all things work together for good to them that loves God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28

“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered awhile, make you perfect, establish, and strengthen, settle you.” 1 Peter 5:10

These are the truths I hold dear and make my foundation. It gives me hope. Hope to embrace the struggle, hope it will not be forever, hope there is a purpose in it. One of the biggest truths for me to accept is that I will struggle with this all my life. The goal is not to avoid it or cure it, but to accept it as part of who I am and learn to live with it. Not as a burden on my back, but as a strengthening tool necessary for my next steps in life. Right now, that next step is to share with you and let you know there is hope and you are not alone. To Edify you and instill you with love and hope for a brighter day that is ahead. With God you are strong enough to live with your trauma and let it raise you up with purpose.

What truths do you hold onto that help you in your struggle this day? I would love to hear them!

Dear Depression and Anxiety Sufferer,

bykeripayne

Dear Depression and Anxiety Sufferer,

I woke up this morning with you on my mind. My heart aches for the agony you may be facing this day. The uncertainty and doubt that comes each morning as you leave your dream world and enter into the reality of your life. The strong desire you must be fighting to not crawl back under the covers and dream your life away. Maybe your mind is racing a mile a minute, rehashing the previous day’s events. Trying to find a solution to whatever conversations or problems you faced. Or, thinking about the unforeseen dilemma that is coming your way today or in the future and how you can be proactive to control it. I know, because this is how I feel a lot of mornings. So, this morning I sat up in my bed. Bowed my head, and prayed for you.

I prayed that today God will give you the strength to get out of bed and help you stand firm under the shadow of His mighty wings.

I prayed God will give you guidance on your path today and help you see it as an adventure up the mountain and not a dark path lost in the valley.

I prayed God will give you peace of mind and quiet the racing thoughts of life’s events so they fade into the back ground of a place you have already conquered and came out victorious.

I prayed God will give you the concentration to think only on this moment and relish in the sweetness and joy it can bring of where you have been and how far you have come.

I prayed God will give you humility to acknowledge to yourself and those you love that you are struggling or to recognize that something just isn’t right and find freedom in letting go of the burden you think you must struggle with alone.

I pray God will give you courage to reach for help and seek medical advice or counseling to help put the pieces of your broken heart and life back together.

I pray God will give you gratitude. Gratitude for the past, the present, and the future. For gratitude helps us see that what we have right now is enough.

Lastly, I pray that you know you are loved. Loved even if you don’t get out of bed. Even if you lack guidance. Even if you can’t stop the racing thoughts. Even if you don’t remember what joy feels like. Even if your too proud to admit something is off and worry what everyone else thinks. Even if you struggle with taking the time for yourself to heal. Even if you will never be thankful for the life you have. Why? Because I have hope that one day you will, and I have faith my prayers for you will not go unanswered. Because I love you, and if that is the only love you see to help you understand the love of God, then today that is what I will do. I will love you no matter what. Just as my Heavenly Father has loved me and brought me up to the mountain top once again. Fore He will never leave you or forsake you!

Forever in your corner with prayer,

Keri

Psalm 91 audio read to you by Keri Payne

Perfection is my Enemy

bykeripayne

Be perfect, be normal, be regular. These are statements we all hear on a daily basis. An expectation to be perfect and act perfect and make perfect decisions and choices. The pressure to never make a mistake, because if we do, we are judged and put in a box that says, “weak, unworthy, unlovable.”

Most of all is the expectation to be perfect as a Christian. Perfect as a witness for God. Perfect as a virtuous woman. Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe you’re a man and you feel the pressure to be the perfect spiritual leader in your house, the perfect deacon at church, or the perfect witness on your job sight. Why do we do this? Because we have a core belief that the Bible says once you’re a believer in God you must be perfect all the time. Especially as a confessed believer, because if you don’t the fear of making a mistake will lead others astray, kill your witness, or keep you from God’s forgiveness. Well, in my searching of the Bible I have found this core belief to not be so accurate. As well as my personal experience with forgiveness.

I got pregnant at the age of 14. One of the most unforgiveable, unworthy things a young lady can ever do. By getting pregnant I was looked upon very negatively by most all people. I was judged without anyone ever trying to get to know me. I was called a whore, a promiscuous girl, a tramp. I lost friendships and was dissuaded from participating in anything biblically related. Instead of being tagged with a scarlet “A” on my chest, I felt like I carried a scarlet “P”. As though I had a disease that could be caught. Most importantly, with the tag on my chest I could walk into a room and everyone could participate in the only cure for my transgressions. That cure was judgment and isolation. One action, one choice, one vulnerable moment and I was put into a box. The box that says, “weak, unworthy, unlovable.” Not by the unconfessed sinners of my life. Oh no! I became a knew person in their eyes, but to the eyes of my fellow believers I was trash.

My so-called perfect image was lost forever and I would spend many hours, weeks and days trying to gain forgiveness. The only way to forgiveness and acceptance was to regain my perfect status. To be perfect all the time, and make no unforgivable choices from that day forward. Well, that was a bust. It wasn’t long and before I knew it, I would make another choice, and another that would be deemed as wrong. It wasn’t an action as big as getting pregnant, but it was how I handled the trauma and life altering events in my life that everyone disagreed on how I should handle it. There was no perfect solution, and no matter what I did someone would get hurt. Until…

Until I made a decision one dark night in the woods, holding my 3-month-old son, running from the chaos that had become my life. Every decision was going to be a mistake no matter what way I looked at it. I knew if I was going to give this dear child a life of love and acceptance something had to change. That something was me. From that night forward I chose to take one step closer to God. To make God the Lord of my life, not just the Lord of my soul. I was saved at the age of 9. My salvation did not keep me from making many imperfect decisions. But my salvation did allow me to be forgiven. It did allow me the right to call upon my heavenly father and have a direct relationship with him.

Till this day I still struggle with perfectionism. I think it is something I will always struggle with. When my life took another turn a few years ago all the trauma and life experience I went through caught up with me. I experience major bouts of depression and overwhelming anxiety. With this struggle I made another decision to get as close to God as I could, no matter the cost. I did this by reading His word and searching for truth. Truth to what he really sees as perfection. What His expectations of me really were. And I found these verses with a few more.

Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect  (Thoroughly complete) in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21 

As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? Or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength an maketh my way perfect (my life, my journey, without spot, and complete). Psalm 18:30-32

God’s blood alone makes me perfect. With me accepting His sacrifice of his son and choosing to live my best life as a Christian, God works his will. God doesn’t say we need to be perfect. God says He is perfect and if we trust in him, he will give us the strength to battle this life and through our journey He will make our lives complete and perfect. It takes a journey. A lifetime of learning. It takes time in your life to grow and complete you. The potter is patient and willing to keep trying no matter how many times we flatten out and fail to stand. All the experiences, the imperfections, the judgement from others has grown me and my relationship with the Lord. It has caused me to search for answers and with that search has come a life not worried so much about being perfect. Let face it, there is no way I will ever be perfect in everyone’s eyes. The more I try the more I fail. Instead of wasting my time trying to be perfect, I will spend my time living like I am loved and forgiven. So, in order to be perfect in God’s eyes I will move forward in my relationship with him. First to be humble and honest for my choices and who I am as a person. Once I became honest, the Lord was able to move in my life in ways I never thought possible. I am free to be me! Flaws and all, and as I grow in my relationship with God, everything just comes together. I can’t explain how, but I can encourage and support you in your journey to lay perfection aside and embrace this wonderful freedom you can have in Christ.

P.S. Notice I didn't use the word mistake, but imperfect choices. I do not believe my son was a mistake and will never use that title to describe him. Both of my children are a blessing from God. Through trusting me with their lives and upbringing it has brought me closer to Him and shown me how much love plays an impact our our lives in the most beautiful ways. At the age of 38 I had a complete hysterectomy due to sever endometriosis. My doctor said it was the worse case she had seen in 10 years and couldn't have had more children if I wanted them. He gave me a blessing when I didn't know I would have wanted or needed it. God is good all the time!

One Day at a Time…

bykeripayne

This morning I woke up feeling blah. I don’t understand how this happens, but last night I randomly slept all night. Now don’t get me wrong I am very thankful for this but, my mind was still going. I dreamed all night. Usually crazy stuff, but I woke up still feeling tired, so I guess I didn’t sleep deep enough? Sometimes this happens and I hate it. I feel tired and don’t want to do anything and just don’t care, which is not who I really am. It is nice to have days that I don’t feel like I have to get a list of 10 things done in order to feel some accomplishment for the day, but with the feeling of blahness comes a hint of anxiety. Anxious that if I don’t get this blahness under control my depression will overtake me. So, I try to push that anxious thought aside and replace it with other thoughts. “This is just for today”, “All you need to think about is getting through this day”, “There is nothing that says this will carry on through the week, or month”, “It is just about today.”

So, what can I do to concentrate on just today? Well, I can concentrate on eating good today. Ya’ll my diet is so crazy it would give the strongest person the greatest panic attack of their life. No dairy, no eggs, no gluten, no beef, no pork, no fruit, no sugar. You might as well put me in a cage and feed me bird seed. Wait, I can’t have nuts or seeds either. So, what will it be? Today its gonna be a moderate compromise. A little bit of gluten, some grilled chicken, some, carrots, and potatoes, and lots of water. All I need to worry about is food for today. What else can I think about for today? Taking each moment as it comes. Pay attention to conversations. Take time to talk to others. Get up and move every hour or two. Find a small project that is not overwhelming and force yourself to do it if necessary. Go for a walk outside or on the treadmill. Color a picture. Watch a movie. Mix it up. Don’t just sit and do nothing all day. Take a few moments to sit then do something then sit again. Find a balance. Today its all about the balance. Yes, it is going to be hard. I will have to force myself to get up. I will have to force myself to cook my food. I will have to force myself to get dressed. I will have to force myself to start any project. I will fight those feelings and overwhelming emotions that say, “I don’t feel like it, I am too tired.”

Today it is all about doing 3 things. Just 3.

Cook, get dressed, 1 coloring page. Or,

cook, get dressed, go to church. Or,

cook, get dressed, take a walk. Or,

cook, get dressed, journaling or blogging. Or,

eat leftovers, take a shower, go get groceries.

Whatever it is that gets you up and moving a little is good enough for today. Yes, it will be hard, and yes it will take a lot of energy I feel I don’t have. As I do things more energy will come. I wont worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has troubles of its own. Its all about today and that is kind of refreshing. No expectations for tomorrow, no worries about what comes next. Just today!!!

Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Matthew 6:34

Thou shall not Fear?

bykeripayne

As a person dealing with mental health issues, I often find teachings of the bible as a “you should do this and you should do that” or else you’re not a Christian. When I am faced with should and should nots, I feel a pressure to conform or else. Often times I find that preachers and teachers use a fear approach to get those to convert to God’s ways. In my struggle with depression and anxiety the people that have used fear are all about control. I am not saying that those who use fear don’t have the right motives behind what they are doing, but what I think is important to know is when you are dealing with people who suffer with constant fear already, adding more fear only alienates you more from being able to help them.

The Bible has 365 references that say, “do not fear”. One for each day of the year. Yet, the Bible also says to, “fear the Lord”. At first, I found this to be contradictor to each other. What is it that God is really trying to say? If you want my honesty, here it is…fearing God with every decision I make and every turn that I take has often led me to become a pile of shaking, nausea, don’t want to leave the house, and don’t want any responsibility in making any decisions kind of mess. Because the truth is, I do fear the Lord. I fear if I don’t act a certain way, I will lose my witness. If I don’t behave a certain way, God will take me out of this world and define me as useless. I fear if I teach and misquote anything, then I am wrong and God will be angry and will punish me with some life altering event to teach me a lesson. I fear if I can’t use my talents, God will take them away from me. I fear if I am not a good enough mother, wife, daughter, Christian, (virtuous women) I will suffer great lose and heartache and go to hell. These are things I have heard in sermons all my life and hear in everyday conversations about people who have suffering on a daily basis. It is all their fault because they have not feared and listened. They should have done this or should have done that. Another great truth is I cannot live this way and leave my house, let alone my bedroom. The constant fear and pressure to conform and act a particular way is not a reality I can or want to live in. So, how do I move forward?

First, I gain new ground, new perspective. When I read and study my Bible fear is not a tactic, I believe, God wants us to use to control others or ourselves. To control how we think, how fast we move toward a decision, how we should operate our daily lives. This I am most certain of, because if this was how God wanted my life to be controlled then it would come with great joy and happiness, because I know that when I am in God’s will, then I am experiencing true joy in my life. If I am not experiencing that joy and happiness then what I am doing and how I am processing is not in God’s will. So, what is the opposite of fear? LOVE! That is right, love is the opposite of fear. Not faith, not performance, not a should and should not list, but love.

“He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love.” 1 John 4:8

“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”  1 John 4:18

I encourage you to go read the whole chapter of 1 John 4, and see how important love is to God. I believe that it is the most important thing to God. But these two verses stuck out to me. You see if God is love, and perfect love casteth out fear, then we can know that God does not desire us to live in fear of Him, but in awe of His love! God does not want us to fear what this life holds for use, because His love is stronger than anything else we may experience or go through. Ya’ll love is the key!

God create you! He loves you as you are. There are not stipulations to His love. It is free and all we have to do is accept it and believe it. Think about the love you have for someone. I think of the love I have for my children. There is not a battle I would not walk through, a sickness I would not take from them, time I would not give up to spend with them, sacrifices I would not make to let them know how much I love them. Now multiply that by 100. This is what God’s love would do for you. It will sacrifice his only son to be crucified for your wrong doings, it will never leave you nor forsake you no matter what, he will never hide from you, he will never forget you. Just like Elisha he will send out an army to rescue you from your darkest night. There is no distance He will not come to help you. God’s love is a love we cannot comprehend and will never find in this world.

I have seen the quote on pictures and key chains and such that say “faith over fear”, or “let your faith be bigger than your fear” and to be honest this makes my blood boil a little. Because it insinuates that if we only have enough faith then we would not be experiencing fear. It gives blame, where blame is not needed. All the amount of faith required for us to have is a mustard seed. The truth is we will experience fear in our life the same as we will experience anger, sadness, and happiness. It is part of our world that we live in and this world is not a fear free environment. What we can have hope in is that love is bigger than any fear we have. God’s love for us, his sacrifice of his only son, puts love at the top of the leader board in success. Love does not give us a do and do not list, or a should and should not list or else. Love does not say if only you do this or that then you deserve to be loved. Love is a free gift. A free gift we get from God and a free gift we give to others. So today go out and love that person who is struggling with mental health issues. Love yourself for the struggle you are facing. Let God’s love carry you through your moments of fear. Let your Love and God’s love for you be bigger than your fear! Love takes time and patience. The result, unlike fear, is a long-lasting result that produces joy. Most importantly hope! To fear God does not mean to be scared of Him and His power. To fear God is to be in awe of Him and the Love He has for us!

I Will Rescue You

by Lauren Daigle

What is Meditation really about?

bykeripayne

When I think about meditation, I think of a man sitting in ceremonial robes, cross legged, on a bunch of pillows with his hands on his knees, eyes closed, and making a constant noise of a low hum. “How is this helping him at all?” I say to myself. “He looks like an idiot.” At least that is what I have grown up thinking because in our culture it is not something we consider normal. Normal. That word literally makes me start to sweat and a slight tremor creeps up from somewhere deep inside. I take a deep breath, close my eyes and concentrate. Concentrate on my breathing, and not on the fact that normal is not something I can live up to.

You see, meditation is not about an action to show everyone that we have it all together or we are in control. It’s is also not about a religious ceremony or tradition. Meditation is about training our minds to slow down and think of only one thing at a time. To concentrate on the moment we are living in, and not on the things around us that we cannot control. It is also about making our body and muscles relax. To cast off the burden of being normal and embrace the person God intended us to be. I can’t tell you how many times a day I have to stop and close my eyes and just relax all my muscles. My husband is constantly telling me to stop frowning. Because I am so in my head that every muscle in my face is contracted and tense. I wish I wasn’t this way, but the fact is that I am. I have spent countless hours trying to control this about me with no avail. So instead, I will accept it and take time through out my day to just slow everything down and give my mind a break. A break. I have found there is nothing more important than to give my mind permission to take a break. The expectation we live in to constantly be in control and have it all together makes our minds constantly working in high gear with no brakes in sight. When I close my eyes to rest at night, my mind still goes wide open, because without any breaks in the day it has learned to never rest. If God rested on the 7th day of creation, then why is it that we won’t take the time to rest also. The man upstairs left us a pattern to follow for a reason. If we would have been trained as children to slow down and take a mental break, we would not think of it as such a foreign idea. Our bodies would already be used to it and the struggle to place this in our daily schedules would not feel impossible. So, starting today I will take a break for my mind. I will meditate. Meditate on 5 things I can see, 4 things I can hear, 3 things I can smell, 2 things I can feel, and I verse to set me back on my way. Before I know it, I will have 10 minutes of not thinking about my worries, my anxiety, my troubles, or what I can control. If I am tense all over, I will meditate on relaxing my muscles starting with my feet, and working my way up. Or, I will set a timer and just concentrate on my breathing. My favorite is to count all my blessings. The options for meditating or endless. Needing meditation is not about being weak, but about taking a break and renewing your mind. It is smart, and it gives us strength to endure our next few hours until we meditate again. A time to get out of our heads and into the moment. Before you know it you will have trained your brain to concentrate in positive areas of your life and the days won’t look so grim.

Tell me what meditations work for you?

And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is good (benefit), and acceptable (agreeable), and perfect (growth in mental and moral character), will of God. Romans 12:2

Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Philippians 4:8