Living my Best Life as a Believer in Christ with Physical and Mental Health Issues
Author: bykeripayne
Hi! I'm Keri Payne. I am an author, hobby entrepreneur, artist, wife, mother, friend, believer in God, and survivor. I am living my best life with God's help as I struggle along with physical and mental health issues. "One day at a time" as the old saying goes, until I have finished my course!
It is time to stand in the light and let God lead you in the dance of life!
This famous line from a popular movie gets me every time. It takes me back to the scene of a crowded banquet room. This beautiful, talented girl trying to find her way in the world is sitting in the corner watching as everyone else puts on a show. She is surrounded by her loved ones. The ones who know her the best and who have loved and nurtured her, her whole life. She is to be seen and not heard. To be brought out whenever they have need of her. Need for her to act a certain way, to be what everyone wants her to be, to make a difference when they feel is the most accurate time and place. Then, she is put back in the corner to wait until she is deemed necessary. Not only necessary, but also to be socially correct by waiting for the world to tell her when it is okay to come out of the corner and do what they want her to do.
Then, we have this imperfect man walk up to the table and say, “No one puts baby in the corner.” He comes in and breaks the tradition of what is expected of this girl and takes her to the spotlight. In the spotlight she shows a side of herself that no one knew existed. She shines and glows with it. The confidence and support of this one man, guides her into the spotlight to support her talents and open the eyes of those closest to her. Letting those who are supposed to understand, support, and know her deepest of talents and value, see her in a different light. One man! One man, who was judged incorrectly. He was looked down on for the company he kept and the talent he expressed. Now, don’t get me wrong, he was a sinner. Yet, by the end of the movie the whole world sees him as a hero. One who stepped out when all else was lost to him and did what was unexpected. He did it while showing his love for this one girl and bringer her to a place she could only imagine she belonged… In the light to shine.
The amazing thing I find is we can all put ourselves in baby’s shoes. We all feel as though we are in the corner, to be seen and not heard. To not be too loud, or too flashy, or speak out and say what is on our heart. To conform to the expectations of others. The fear of stepping out and being judged by those surrounding us keeps us tied into a corner. It keeps our talents buried and something to be ashamed of. Talents that our heavenly father instills in us to grow as we grow our faith. If we find this imperfect, sinful man a hero that saves baby from the corner of life, then what about the perfect man our Heavenly Father sent to die for us? He was judged wrongly, looked down on for the company he kept and the talents he expressed. Yet, he stood up in the spotlight and sacrificed himself for the love he had for us.
God did not mean for his followers to stand in the corner, he meant for us to grab the hand of the son and let him pull us out into the light for the world to see. Vulnerable, unsure, and under the scrutiny of others, we can step out into the spotlight and do the unexpected. We can do this by grabbing the hand of the son and having faith and confidence in letting him lead us. Now, I am not saying you need to go out and take up dancing lessons and break out in church dancing to I’ve had the time of my life. What I am saying is instead of sitting in the corner, let the Lord grab your hand and guide you to discover what your Spiritual Gifts are and use them for the glory and growth of Gods kingdom. Let your light shine, not from the safe corner, but up on the stage of life with the Father, son and Holy Spirit taking your hand and leading you the dance of life. Let God deal with those around you for he has the ability to open their hearts and minds. Before you know it, they might leave the corner and come dance the dance of life with you and together you all can shine the light of good works your Heavenly Father has instilled and gifted to you.
Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works, and glorify your Father which is in Heaven.Matthew 5:16
On most given days, you will find me running around doing multiple projects, chores, and errands. I struggle with the desire to feel accomplished. To have the feeling, that I spent my day with great purpose; but at the end of the day, it is a never-ending pit that cannot be filled. I get caught in this trap so often. This trap that my day is only successful as long as I can show progress. Running on a high of emotions that come with being productive. Then after a night of rest, the morning comes and the high of emotion from the previous day is gone, and I start the cycle over. The cycle of being productive to obtain that feeling of great accomplishment that is only temporary.
There are several issues that come with this cycle. First, it requires me to spend a great amount of time in my head. Thinking, planning, and organizing my time to be the most productive. Always knowing the next step in front of me. Second, it consumes my entire day, week, month. Third, it leaves no room for any other joy in my life. No free time, no vacations, no spur of the moment visits or phone calls to others. Lastly, it leaves no time for the Lord. No time to spend with him in word and prayer, and no time to listen and be filled with the comforter to help guide me in my day. What do you mean “The Comforter”? That is a great question. Did you know the comforter is also called the Holy Ghost or Holy Spirit? Jesus made a promise that when he ascended into heaven, he would send a comforter to us…
And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you forever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you. I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. John 14:16-18
But the Comforter, which is the Holy Ghost, whom the Father will send in my name, he shall teach you all things, and bring all things to your remembrance, whatsoever I have said unto you. John 14:26
What I love about these verses, is we not only have the promise from Jesus of the comforter, but we have the knowledge of what the comforter will do for us. The comforter, the Holy Spirit will come to us upon our belief in God as found also in John 7:39 (But this spake he of the Spirit, which they that believe on him should receive: for the Holy Ghost was not yet given; because that Jesus was not yet glorified.) We will have him forever and he will dwell with us forever. Then we also see that the Holy Spirit has the ability to teach us all things, and bring all to remembrance. What? That is a two-fold deal right there. So, what does that mean?
It means that upon belief in the Lord we will have the comforter with us forever, but if you have the comforter and add studying God’s word, prayer and worship you can be filled with the comforter.
Nevertheless I tell you the truth; It is expedient for you that I go away: for if I go not away, the Comforter will not come unto you; but if I depart, I will send him unto you. And when he is come, he will reprove the world of sin, and of righteousness, and of judgment: Of sin, because they believe not on me; Of righteousness, because I go to my Father, and ye see me no more; Of judgment, because the prince of this world is judged. I have yet many things to say unto you, but ye cannot bear them now. Howbeit when he, the Spirit of truth, is come, he will guide you into all truth: for he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak: and he will shew you things to come. He shall glorify me: for he shall receive of mine, and shall shew it unto you. John 16:7-14
To have the spirit is the promise of salvation by Jesus himself, but to be filled with the spirit is an opportunity of honor and responsibility as believers in Christ. We are baptized in the spirit as a symbolism of having the spirit, but the promise of being filled gives us the access to the power of God. That access is presented to us in the form of God word. Through His word he can guide us, speak to us, and show us His love and plan for our lives. It is up to us to take the time to read, study, and pray and worship. By doing this we all have the chance to be filled with the Comforter (Spirit).
So, today my goal is to get out of my head, stop planning for productivity, and sit for awhile with the Lord and be filled with the spirit through studying his word, prayer and worship with music and song as I go throughout my day. It is a better feeling to be filled with the spirit so I can listen and let him guide my day, than it is to chase that feeling of productivity that will fade with the sun.
I was listening to Joyce Meyer this morning and this phrase stuck out to me like a sore thumb and I just knew I had to share this message with you. One of the biggest statements that drag me down is this one, “Who do you think you are?” Joyce was saying this phrase comes from the devil. It appears as the first line of attack. But why this one? Why this phrase?
I think back to a time long ago when I had a loved one tell me who I am. They told me I was stupid, I was ignorant, I was too skinny, I was damaged goods, I was not worthy, and I was an embarrassment. Most of all, they said that no one really liked me, they just put up with me not to hurt my feelings. Like my existence was somehow my fault and I should be thankful others are willing to put up with me. That I should be sorry for even existing and causing people to waste so much energy on me. Honestly, I didn’t need to be told because their actions on how they treated me instilled it in me every day. I became who they said I was.
I believed every statement to be true, so I spent my time withdrawing, not standing up for myself, just doing what I could to get by. I did this because I felt guilt for just existing and felt judgement and condemnation by everyone. This person I had loved and trusted instilled a spirit of fear in me. A fear to stand out, a fear to achieve, a fear to trusting and believing that anything in life was possible. A fear that my existence on this earth was something I should spend my life apologizing to everyone for instead of being confident in who I was and who God made me to be. To this day, I still excuse myself as I walk past people, even if they cut me off. I do this as a submissive response to ask forgiveness for even being on their path as they walk through their life. Like I am some horrible obstacle that others still have to endure.
Why? Why this phrase? Why this person? Because Satan knew just how to shut me down and destroy whatever spirit I had within me. Satan’s goal is to tear you down, so you will not have the joy and freedom to be who you really are. Who God has meant you to be. Well, little did I know at that time, but Satan does not have the power to destroy my spirit. Crack it, break it, and scatter it into pieces he can do, but destroy it is not something he is allowed to do. He may do what he can do drag it down, to slow me down, to keep me from speaking out, for standing up for myself, for having a voice, and being proud of who I am. Thankfully, I have a Heavenly Father that can take all things bad and change them into good.
But how? How can you take someone with a broken, scattered spirit and put it back together? Well, one piece at a time. For me it started with being completely broken. As sad as this may seem and especially as scary as it was going through it, I am thankful for it. My brokenness brought me to a place that I needed to go before I was willing to let go of all that I thought of myself to be. I was brought to the place that I had nothing else to lose! Being in that state of mind and in that moment allowed me to lay aside all things that I had carried around for so long, and search out new truths and new beliefs about myself and my Heavenly Father. I was at a place that everything I had believed and carried with me to this point in my life was dragging me down. It was not holding me together; it was breaking me apart. Over and over again. Every time I would try to hang onto a belief that was wrong, another piece of me would break off. I was so focused with constantly defending myself that I could not live freely with being the person God planned for me to be. So, I started with getting help.
Help first from others who would support me. This was a group of people that I did not know. Doctors, therapist, and new friendships that I could be honest with. Honest about who I was, what I had been through and my state of mind that it had brought me too. Also, a new relationship with God as well. I threw out all the beliefs I had about God, but one. The one belief that He loved me and sent His son to die for me. Everything else I would let go off and start again. The relationships that I could not let go off I put up boundaries. These boundaries consisted of me being more assertive with them. By telling them what I needed, guarding how much information I gave them about my most sensitive of subjects, and not wavering on them. If I didn’t feel comfortable doing something, even family get togethers, I didn’t do it and I stopped forcing myself to do it out of guilt or being ashamed. I no longer let others have the power to condemn me and take their condemnation to heart. I left that up to my Savior who sent His son to die for me. How did I do that?
I got out my Bible and did the research. I research words like condemnation, judgement, love, forgiveness, suffering, sin, spiritual warfare, spiritual gifts, hope, faith, Jesus’ life on earth, etc. If I had a belief about it before, I looked up that belief to see what was true and what was a lie. I no longer depend on anything but the Holy Spirit and Gods word to guide my belief system. If I question it, if something doesn’t add up compared to my experience, I search it out. Most importantly I first searched out who God thinks I am. Who am I in Christ? What is my worth in God’s eyes? Then I found the story of the sparrow and my life changed. No longer was I a broken mess on the ground. The pieces of my life started coming together. One at a time. The first piece was my worth and Who I thought I was.
Slowly, and I mean slowly, I started seeing myself through my Fathers eyes. The more I read and researched my Bible the more I found my worth. The true definition of what love is and how it is expressed. The person I wanted to be. I wanted to be a person that was loved beyond measure and who could give that love to others in return. The Bible became a love story to me and not a story of fear, judgment, and condemnation. I still struggle somedays with being that insecure little girl who felt alone and a bother to everyone, but when I do I turn to the words that remind me who I am and live free in being myself and knowing I am loved regardless!
And fear not them which kill the body, but are not able to kill the soul: but rather fear him which is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows. Whosoever therefore shall confess me before men, him will I confess also before my Father which is in heaven. Matthew 10:28-32
Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?Matthew 6:26
For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved. John 3:16-17
I pray if you feel as though you are also a broken pile of pieces that are not worthy to be placed back together, please pick up your Bible and search the truth of who you are in Gods eyes! It will change your whole life and give you a freedom you never thought was possible!
When I was on my journey to find a mental health provider/ behavior health provider, I was lost and overwhelmed! I found out quickly that it was not as easy as finding a doctor to help with a cold. The process was more in-depth, and quite frankly, extremely stressful. So, I thought it was worth taking a look at the process for those who are in need of a good mental health provider. I want to give you some insight on what you can expect and the process of how it works. My hope is this will give you some peace about the process and not get frustrated and give up. Or, help a loved through this process. I truly believe that mental health is just as important as physical health. You wouldn’t wait to get treatment for cancer until its too late, so why wait until you are ready to jump off a ledge or give up on life to get help? Here are the steps I recommend to take and what you can expect.
First, Answer the question, do you need help with medication, need someone to talk to, or both? A Psychiatrist is a trained medical professional and can help with medications, while a Psychologist is one who helps with counseling and therapy. One helps with the chemical imbalance in the brain while the other one helps you find new coping mechanisms as well as provides you with a nonjudgmental support. Psychologist concentrates on talking with a patient and helping them use behavior strategies to help relieve their pain, and suffering. Psychologist also address healthy coping strategies to help deal with stress. Mental Health issues are painful, just in a different way than physical pain. It has been proven that physical pain and chronic illness often stem from mental health issues and long-term stressful situations. Pills and skills work together and most often both need to be addressed when seeking to heal the body completely.
I myself needed both doctors and you will usually find them in the same office, you just cannot make an appointment with both doctors on the same day because of insurance issues. I needed medication to help with the chemical imbalance, but I also needed someone to help me with my coping skills and help me gain perspective when making medical decisions with chronic illness as well as deal with relationship issues and past traumas.
Second, is to contact your insurance company and see what your mental health benefits are and get a list of doctors/offices that your insurance will cover. This will give you peace of mind to know if your visits will be covered. Financial stress is a number one depression and anxiety trigger in my book! You may decide to seek help with your family practitioner. This is where most people start, but if you need to talk with someone, I highly recommend you look further and find an office to handle both medication and therapy. With the list from your insurance, you can move forward to step three.
Third, choosing a doctor and proceed with mental health office care. There is no secret to choosing the right person from the list you now have in your hand, but there are a couple things you can do. First, ask around with others you trust and see who they go too! Second, ask your family physician who they could recommend off your list. This will give you some peace knowing others can give you a good report on the facility or doctors you are looking at. I did and it was a great help!
Fourth, get into the facility for help. Most doctors will not schedule you an appointment over the phone. I have learned that most offices that deal with mental health have a process for accepting patients. This process usually starts with you gaining computer access and going to the medical providers website. Through this website you will fill out an application about yourself, your mental health history, and your insurance information. From there you will probably wait about 2 to 3 weeks for a reply. Through this reply you will either be accepted or rejected. Every doctor office has their reasons, but I mostly sum it up to the degree of your mental health illness. Those with more complex issues and multiple mental health diagnosis may require extensive care that a doctor may not be able to take on at that time. If that is the case, I highly recommend you seek out a hospital that has its own mental health department. Hospitals generally will not turn no one away, while private practices have the option to choose which cases to take on or not. If you do not think you can wait that long to get help, go to your nearest emergency room, or seek out an Intensive outpatient behavioral health program.
Fifth, find out if there is an option for an Intensive outpatient care, or as most facilities call it Intensive Behavioral Health Care. Intensive outpatient care consists of a 3 to 4 day a week group therapy that last from 9am to 1pm. Through this intensive care you are usually in small groups and will discuss different mind strategies for dealing with mental health issues as well as have access to a doctor to help with medication. This program usually last for up to 6 weeks and there is an application process to be accepted. This application process is similar to the doctor office, but may be in person. This gives them an insight if they will be able to help you or if you need more intensive care. More extensive care will include a Hospital stay.
Sixth, is there an option for a Hospital stay. This is usually the scariest and make you feel the most vulnerable. Hospital stays can last from 72 hours up to 11 days, depending on insurance coverage and necessity. If you feel as though you cannot wait over the weekend to see the doctor, or the time it takes for a medication to start working, then go the ER. Other options would be to call a mobile crisis unit for help. Most all major cities have these units and they will come to wherever you are and help you get the help you need. It’s a one-on-one interview to assess your state of mind and a skip past the ER process. At this point you would be in on the path of no return and help is absolutely necessary in order to guarantee your presence in this world tomorrow. There is nothing to be ashamed of if you get to this point. Waiting for help, waiting for doctors to accept you, waiting for medications to take effect, or finding the right one takes time and can be extremely difficult to navigate on your own. Getting 24/7 help and surveillance to guarantee your safety while you wait is nothing to be ashamed off. If this is an option you need, here is some of what you can expect.
Check in process will include you being taken to a room and being accessed to make sure you are medically ok before taking you to a mental health floor.
Once you are medically sound, you will then be taken to change your clothes under supervision into scrubs or clothes provided for you that are considered safe. Safe means no strings, no buckles, nothing that you could use to cause yourself or others harm. You will also have to answer lots of questions about your state of mind, your past history, etc.
Then you will need a room to stay. Not all hospitals have a mental health floor, or have the means to give care. If they do, it is very likely the floor will be full and there is not enough room for you. All mental health floors are locked down units that give the patients the ability to roam freely within that floor unit. It consists of a specific number of patients and is usually co-ed. Everyone either has their own room or share with one other person of the same sex. Depending on the facility. If there is no room in the hospital mental health floor, they will put you in a holding area until one comes open in that part of the state. There could be a facility within 30 minutes up to 3 hours away. Just depending. While in that holding area, you are with all kinds of mental health patients. You can receive meds to help keep you calm, but access to a doctor or therapy is not an option. It is truly a holding unit with a big open waiting room with stainless-steel bed rooms with a mattress on the floor. Meals are delivered to you and you wait here until a bed comes open in a near by facility. Phones calls are usually allowed once a day for about 10 min.
When the bed comes open it don’t matter if its 3pm in the afternoon or 2am in the morning. They will move you whenever it is convenient for them. Usually not in an ambulance, but a van or transportation vehicle. Once at the facility or hospital they will take you to the lock down unit and you will begin the check-in process all over again. Change of clothes with supervision, questions galore about you, your life, your past, and your mental health state. Depending on where they are in the schedule for the day, you will get assigned to a bed or sent to group therapy. While you are there, they have a strict schedule that is require for everyone to follow. It usually consists of meeting with a doctor during business hours for medication, meeting with a social worker, all day classes/group therapy, meal times, shower times, and sleep times. You will also have someone check on you every 10 to 15 minutes day and night as well as daily assessments with the health care team. Pills and skills are the main focus on treatment and are the main approach to mental health care. Honesty on your part is key and willingness to change coping skills and absorbs knowledge on mental health and the role it plays in your life will only help you reach a healthy state of mind. People are there for all different reasons. Some people are there because a family member called the cops on them, some because they personally sought help, and some are there because they tried to commit suicide and survived. Family visitation is allowed once a day for about 45 minutes, but no physical contact is allowed. Phone calls are also allowed but for only during a specific time frame, usually an hour, and the family must call in during that time and hope the phone isn’t busy. When it is time to go home, you will be released to your family. This can be hard going from one change to another very quickly for some. Others are busting at the seems to get our while some are still scared and leery for what awaits them at home. Sometimes it takes the whole family to make a change to provide a more stable and healthier environment for those suffering with mental health struggles. The more willing and helpful and supportive the family can be the less likely chance you or your loved one will have to go back in the hospital for treatment. Change in routines, coping skills, and thought processes are key, as well as opening up with your family or loved ones that are supportive of you. Once home regular therapy visits and medication maintenance is key and essential!!! A must!!!! I recommend weekly therapy and monthly medication visits until you feel stable and confident that you are heading in a healthy direction
Last, but definitely not least is the issues of substance abuse. Most all patients that have mental health issues struggle with some type of substance abuse issues. Without mental health care a person will continue to rely on the coping mechanisms of drowning their pain with pills, alcohol, sex, gambling, etc. Rehab is great, but it really needs to follow up with mental health care. So, if you struggle with substance abuse, please seek help with a rehab program that will help your body break the cycle of dependence then follow up with mental health providers to give you the support needed to stay clean and cope with your new circumstances.
I hope and pray this gives you some insight and makes your journey to find help more understanding and less scary. I personally have been through all these steps. If you wish to know further or are looking for help in your area of the world, please reach out!
Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.John 14:27
I struggle so much with the desire to have control. Those who live with the aftermath of trauma, I believe, have a deep desire to make sure everything is in its place and under complete control so no surprises will arise. I personally struggle in the midst of chaos to keep my emotions calm and my frustration from turning into anger and hard feelings. I want a fix and I want it now! I also have a deep desire to put things to right especially when I’m standing in a place I can see how to fix the problem(s). Or, so I think.
How do you know the difference between Gods voice leading you and your own personal inner voice pushing you to gain control? For me, it boils down to the need for instant resolve. That inner drive to fix thing here and now. When this inner desire flares within me, I can see it’s my own personal drive and struggle to fix things more so than the Holy Spirit guiding me in my path. The bible says
Straight is the gate and narrow is the way that leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. Matthew 7:14
In all thy ways acknowledge him and He shall direct thy path. Proverbs 3:6
Wait on the lord and he will renew your strength. James 4:10
Be still and know that I am God, I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth. Psalm 46:10
Joyce Meyer puts it perfectly when she says,
"Trusting in God means to get comfortable with not knowing."
The not knowing part is what drives me to gain some control. Not knowing is scary, and allows fear and worry to creep in. It is a big trigger for me and I struggle with constantly battling the anxiety that comes with the circumstance. My desire to escape the struggle of not knowing, the desires of the flesh to have peace at all cost can out way the logic in my mind to be still and know. The panic drowns out all common sense and puts me in a state of fear that drives me to act instantly and gain control quick in order to avoid fear, avoid painful emotions, avoid the thoughts of losing control. Fear of what can happen, fear of what lies ahead, fear of the struggle others may have to face. What I cannot see is the whole picture of God’s hands leading me on a path of not easiness, but a path that will grow me more spiritual, physically, emotionally, and socially.
So maybe, the path for me is to trust God more by not reacting and gaining control. But to sit back and trust Him while He takes care of things for me. Also, to remember, that others are on their own path in life and dealing with their own growth, and God is in control of that. Not me! So, where would God be leading me in my path? Maybe it’s to learn to be comfortable with not knowing? The ability to be at peace when my fleshly desire is to gain control. I guess practice does make perfect, so here I go!
Dear Heavenly Father, Thank you first and foremost for all the blessing you have given me and all that you have done and continue to do for me. I pray that you forgive me of the sins I have done both known and unknown and wipe my slate clean. I ask for you help and strength Lord to not act quickly and with my emotions, but to slow down and look for your guidance on what to do. Help me Lord to trust you and the path you continue to design for my life and the life of others. Help me to have peace even when I cannot see what is ahead and trust you are in control and know what is best. I ask these things in Jesus name. Amen.
I thought four letter words were bad and should not be taken seriously until I met HOPE. In my deepest and darkest of moments I can say hope is something that seems non-existence and truly hard to grasp. It is hard to explain, but there are times when some emotions are almost impossible to remember or experience. I can remember being in misery for so long that I forgot what joy was or what it felt like, or how to conjure it up with thoughts. I would even take time to sit and meditate on joy and find there were no feelings to be found to follow through. Has this ever happened to you? I would tell my doctors that something is just missing and they would look at me with blank faces. Until one day I came across this verse and it made sense to me.
“Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” Romans 15:13
So, I am going to break this verse down for you as the Holy Spirit has shown it to me.
Now God of hope – God is the beginning and ending of hope, the expert on hope, and the man upstairs who gives out hope.
Fill you with joy and peace – HE has the power to fill you with joy and peace. This tells us that joy and peace or linked to what we have hope in. If we lack hope then we don’t have joy and peace. There may be times as I have said before that I couldn’t muster up my joy and peace. In those times, I remember floundering because I had no answers or no Faith in what I was doing or putting my hope in. True hope can fill you with joy and peace.
In believing – The importance of our beliefs. This tells us the first place to look when our hope, joy and peace are disturbed is to look at what we believe in. For me, this one, is the key. I have often found myself believing in something that has no merit, no hope of a good end, and that is not what God wants for us. Other times there are beliefs that other say are true that are contradictor to your peace in God. When this happens, it is of great importance to look it up in your scripture and study the entirety of the answer. Look at the scripture in its setting and what is going on in the story as well as multiple scripture throughout the Bible talking about the same subject, then draw a conclusion. You will be amazed at what you find and peace in having a true answer and believing in it.
That ye may abound in hope – God’s desire is for us to abound and live with hope. Hope is what gets us through each day. You can have hope that the light at the end of the tunnel is God’s light shining for us a pathway to him, or you can believe its Satan standing with a flashlight leading you astray. Each belief has power, but which one has a path out of the dark pit, and which one leads you further down?
Through the power of the Holy Ghost – God has promised those who believe in him the gift of a comforter to abide with them. That comforter is the Holy Ghost. Some people recognized it as their conscience. Others as an entity to guide them right and wrong. I believe the Holy Ghost is many things, and you will find that as you study multiple scriptures on the subject, but in this verse, it defines the Holy Ghost as one who has power. Not just any power, but power to instill and give hope. The power to guide us to a place of hope again. I don’t think the Holy Ghost is necessarily like a fairy godmother that waves its magic wand and poof! You have hope again. I think the Holy Ghost is deliberate, careful, and slow to teach us how to have hope again. You know that saying, “give a man a fish and he will eat for a day, teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime”? If the Holy Ghost just gave it to us, it would burn out when we used it all up, but if the Holy Ghost took the time to guide us on how to obtain and have hope, then we can acquire it at anytime in the future.
So many times, I would often get mad at God for not granting me hope that I had earnestly prayed for. Why would he want me to suffer so? This verse shows me that God does not want me to suffer, but that in doing things His way, He wants to grow me. Grow me to trust in Him and in His promises, grow me in my mental and emotional development, and grow me to understand the power I can have with his help to conquer the deepest and darkest of hopeless places. All it takes is a mustard seed of faith and we will see our mountains become small, our deeply planted roots of anguish uprooted and planted in the depths of the sea, and our lives flourish into a tree where others find hope and security. (Matthew 13:31, Mark 4:31, Luke 13:19, Luke 17:6)
And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief:
for verily I say unto you, if ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed,
ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place;
and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.Matthew 17:20
First, I must say that I am not a medical professional and if you suspect you may be suffering from PTSD and CPTSD please seek medical help. This article is to take a peek at the terminology and my own personal trauma and struggles.
Complex PTSD is a new term in the medical field and one you do not hear much about. I think as my generation and the ones behind me mature, it will become more commonly used and talked about. We associate PTSD with combat warriors that have come home from war after experiencing a traumatic event. It is easy for us to understand if the traumatic event involves some kind of physical affliction, but the truth is it most commonly appears in those without external blemish or scar. To understand this, we must first understand there are 4 different bodies that make up our one. In my book I describe these and touch on them, but today I am just going to touch a little on them. They are:
Physical Body
Mental Body
Spiritual Body
Emotional Body
Each of these bodies represent us as a whole. I believe they are intertwined and when healing the body, we must treat all areas and not just one. Our medical field and insurance companies are not set up this way. To get help in all areas at the same time cost a fortune, takes applications and multiple physicians and often people do not get the help they need to heal. For PTSD sufferers, I believe the trauma they have experience affects the mental body due to a threat to the physical body of ourselves or others we are close to. A continued state of arousal to protect the physical body messes with our Mental stability while triggering an emotional response. I call it survival mode. PTSD is used to describe those who have suffered one life altering event, while Complex PTSD is used to describe those who have suffered a series of life altering events that have occurred over an extended period of time. Those life altering events keep you in a heightened state of survival mode. Fear of what will come next, constantly being proactive to avoid the next round of mental threat or physical blow to your person. While at the same time keeping your emotional body under control. Sounds very complicated right?
In my personal experience I could never understand why my anxiety and depression appeared when it did in my life. Let alone extreme panic episodes where my body felt like it was so out of control. Why at this time in my life was this happening? Some call it a “midlife crisis”, others call it a “mental break down.” For me I call it my “had enough alarm.” My body simply had enough trauma that it was overwhelmed and could not deal with any more. I learned that my bucket was overflowed. My body had dealt with so much that my mind could not take on anymore. The series of things I experienced in my life and the order in which they arrived, left me in a state of constant survival mode. Everything triggered me. I never realized it before this happened, but I always sit in the corner of a room with my back to the wall. Loud noises and especially yelling or arguing triggered my defenses as well as my severe need to put walls up and not trust anyone. I trusted no one and had a right not to. I had been hurt over and over again. Not just physically, but mentally and emotionally as well.
First, it started with sexual abuse as a child. When that person was finally out of reach, in enter this smooth-talking teenage guy who gave me the attention and affection I so strongly needed. Until my naivety with men and relationships found me pregnant at the age of 14. 14 and pregnant and I was trapped. I was told that this man would be in my life forever and I had to make the best of it. So, I did. Within a month of finding out I was pregnant; he was living with me and I made the best of it. Little did me or my family know that path we would go down from that day forward. To make the story short. I loved him dearly and I think at one time he loved me too, but something changed in him. He became very mean and emotionally abusive. He started drinking all the time and I found myself at 15 and 16 taking him to bars and being his DD. (Yes, there are bars in the backwoods that will allow teenagers in.) We fought constantly as well as with my parents. He would leave and come back a total of 13 times in our relationship. He dated almost every one of my friends till I had very few people I could trust or count on. He told me I was a tramp, and no one would want me when he got done with me. That I was used goods. That I was stupid and ugly. Most of all he said that no one liked me, and no one could stand me. They all just put up with me because they had to. That he was only with me to get what he could from me. I believed him. I believed it all. When he told me that last statement, I found my exiting backbone and proceeded to the closes exit. On my way out the door, he would threaten my families lives, my child’s safety in my arms, and my reputation in the community. It became a toxic relationship to me and threatened my security and mental well being. Little did I know at the age of 16 how this man that I had loved so dearly, could impact my life and mental health indefinitely.
From there I finally gained some independence. I worked to graduate from High school as well as take some college courses while holding down a manager job for a local fast-food chain. I finally felt like I had some control over my choices and circumstances. I met my husband at the age of 18 and got married to him at the age of 20. He was a breath of fresh air. I had found someone who truly loved me and support me. I would not realize the extent until late in life, but God gave him to me and His timing was impeccable, but I never did stop looking over my back. I Never knew when chaos would come around the corner and destroy what happiness I had. Even when me ex finally signed his parental rights away. I still worried he would enter and turn it all upside down. Then at the age of 22 and the birth of my second child my life took another turn. Illness.
At the age of 15 I struggled with a heart arrythmia that was brought on due to stress. A Benign condition that I dint’ know was benign until 23 years later. Then I was diagnosed with cystic acne and had nickel size pockets of infection appear on my face. Then at the age 22 I became pregnant with my youngest son and was extremely sick for the whole 9 months. When he was 5 months old, I was diagnosed with ulcerative proctitis. I spent 10 years struggling with the disease that later became ulcerative colitis as well as IBS. Then came migraines, then Interstitial cystitis, with minor bouts of depression creeping in. Then I struggled with Gastritis and GERD with a sore throat I could not get to go away. Six years struggling with this sore throat, and finding a doctor that would believe it was not all in my head, I was finally diagnosed with a positive blood test for Sjogren’s Syndrome. But my victory was not accepted well. During this six year I had my tonsils removed, my gallbladder removed, had to leave my job, and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. But that’s not all folks. I also had an extreme flare of endometriosis which led to 3 more surgeries in six months. Exploratory surgery for diagnosis, a complete hysterectomy and later a pelvic mass that enveloped one of my tubes that went from my kidney to my bladder. Six weeks post op I mentally crashed. You see, just before my last surgery my doctors pulled me off all depression and anxiety medications to let my body detox because I was struggling to find a medicine that would help with my depression. I tried out-patient group therapy, but I was too far gone at that point. The trauma of all these threats to my physical body played its toll on my mental stability and I finally checked myself into the hospital for help. From there I was diagnosed with insomnia, unspecified panic disorder, major depression disorder, and later Complex PTSD.
My body will attack itself without warning. The wonder gift of multiple autoimmune disorders. The food I eat, the environment I’m in, and the stress I experience. They all have an influence whether or not I will experience any physical pain today. The more I try to avoid the physical pain the more anxious I become. Sometimes I will be eating and become extremely nauseous and start shaking, because my subconscious brain is triggered by knowing that food alone will make me sick today. Sometimes it can be a group of people that are loud, or the threat of a stomach bug or another migraine. Years of not being in control. Years of physical pain. Years of traumatic experience and medical diagnosis left me with a beautiful mixed up brain and a diagnosis of Complex PTSD.
I never thought it could happen but I do have better days than not. It is absolutely amazing how much a person can go through both physically, mentally, and emotionally and still come out on top. This is where my spiritual body comes into play. The spiritual body is where my core belief systems lies. With lots of class on coping skills and counseling, as well as bible studying, I have a foundation that I can put my trust and faith in. “I can do all things through Christ which strengthen me,” Philippians 4:13. Before I was wandering around struggling to trust, and a mind so confused by the chaos and mixed up core beliefs, I could not move forward. Today I find myself repeating three verse. These verses are my heart and soul of what I strive to keep my faith in every day. As well as Philippians 4:13:
“For I know the thoughts that I think towards you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.” Jeremiah 29:11
“And we know that all things work together for good to them that loves God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
“But the God of all grace, who hath called us unto his eternal glory by Christ Jesus, after ye have suffered awhile, make you perfect, establish, and strengthen, settle you.” 1 Peter 5:10
These are the truths I hold dear and make my foundation. It gives me hope. Hope to embrace the struggle, hope it will not be forever, hope there is a purpose in it. One of the biggest truths for me to accept is that I will struggle with this all my life. The goal is not to avoid it or cure it, but to accept it as part of who I am and learn to live with it. Not as a burden on my back, but as a strengthening tool necessary for my next steps in life. Right now, that next step is to share with you and let you know there is hope and you are not alone. To Edify you and instill you with love and hope for a brighter day that is ahead. With God you are strong enough to live with your trauma and let it raise you up with purpose.
What truths do you hold onto that help you in your struggle this day? I would love to hear them!
I woke up this morning with you on my mind. My heart aches for the agony you may be facing this day. The uncertainty and doubt that comes each morning as you leave your dream world and enter into the reality of your life. The strong desire you must be fighting to not crawl back under the covers and dream your life away. Maybe your mind is racing a mile a minute, rehashing the previous day’s events. Trying to find a solution to whatever conversations or problems you faced. Or, thinking about the unforeseen dilemma that is coming your way today or in the future and how you can be proactive to control it. I know, because this is how I feel a lot of mornings. So, this morning I sat up in my bed. Bowed my head, and prayed for you.
I prayed that today God will give you the strength to get out of bed and help you stand firm under the shadow of His mighty wings.
I prayed God will give you guidance on your path today and help you see it as an adventure up the mountain and not a dark path lost in the valley.
I prayed God will give you peace of mind and quiet the racing thoughts of life’s events so they fade into the back ground of a place you have already conquered and came out victorious.
I prayed God will give you the concentration to think only on this moment and relish in the sweetness and joy it can bring of where you have been and how far you have come.
I prayed God will give you humility to acknowledge to yourself and those you love that you are struggling or to recognize that something just isn’t right and find freedom in letting go of the burden you think you must struggle with alone.
I pray God will give you courage to reach for help and seek medical advice or counseling to help put the pieces of your broken heart and life back together.
I pray God will give you gratitude. Gratitude for the past, the present, and the future. For gratitude helps us see that what we have right now is enough.
Lastly, I pray that you know you are loved. Loved even if you don’t get out of bed. Even if you lack guidance. Even if you can’t stop the racing thoughts. Even if you don’t remember what joy feels like. Even if your too proud to admit something is off and worry what everyone else thinks. Even if you struggle with taking the time for yourself to heal. Even if you will never be thankful for the life you have. Why? Because I have hope that one day you will, and I have faith my prayers for you will not go unanswered. Because I love you, and if that is the only love you see to help you understand the love of God, then today that is what I will do. I will love you no matter what. Just as my Heavenly Father has loved me and brought me up to the mountain top once again. Fore He will never leave you or forsake you!
Be perfect, be normal, be regular. These are statements we all hear on a daily basis. An expectation to be perfect and act perfect and make perfect decisions and choices. The pressure to never make a mistake, because if we do, we are judged and put in a box that says, “weak, unworthy, unlovable.”
Most of all is the expectation to be perfect as a Christian. Perfect as a witness for God. Perfect as a virtuous woman. Does anyone else feel this way? Maybe you’re a man and you feel the pressure to be the perfect spiritual leader in your house, the perfect deacon at church, or the perfect witness on your job sight. Why do we do this? Because we have a core belief that the Bible says once you’re a believer in God you must be perfect all the time. Especially as a confessed believer, because if you don’t the fear of making a mistake will lead others astray, kill your witness, or keep you from God’s forgiveness. Well, in my searching of the Bible I have found this core belief to not be so accurate. As well as my personal experience with forgiveness.
I got pregnant at the age of 14. One of the most unforgiveable, unworthy things a young lady can ever do. By getting pregnant I was looked upon very negatively by most all people. I was judged without anyone ever trying to get to know me. I was called a whore, a promiscuous girl, a tramp. I lost friendships and was dissuaded from participating in anything biblically related. Instead of being tagged with a scarlet “A” on my chest, I felt like I carried a scarlet “P”. As though I had a disease that could be caught. Most importantly, with the tag on my chest I could walk into a room and everyone could participate in the only cure for my transgressions. That cure was judgment and isolation. One action, one choice, one vulnerable moment and I was put into a box. The box that says, “weak, unworthy, unlovable.” Not by the unconfessed sinners of my life. Oh no! I became a knew person in their eyes, but to the eyes of my fellow believers I was trash.
My so-called perfect image was lost forever and I would spend many hours, weeks and days trying to gain forgiveness. The only way to forgiveness and acceptance was to regain my perfect status. To be perfect all the time, and make no unforgivable choices from that day forward. Well, that was a bust. It wasn’t long and before I knew it, I would make another choice, and another that would be deemed as wrong. It wasn’t an action as big as getting pregnant, but it was how I handled the trauma and life altering events in my life that everyone disagreed on how I should handle it. There was no perfect solution, and no matter what I did someone would get hurt. Until…
Until I made a decision one dark night in the woods, holding my 3-month-old son, running from the chaos that had become my life. Every decision was going to be a mistake no matter what way I looked at it. I knew if I was going to give this dear child a life of love and acceptance something had to change. That something was me. From that night forward I chose to take one step closer to God. To make God the Lord of my life, not just the Lord of my soul. I was saved at the age of 9. My salvation did not keep me from making many imperfect decisions. But my salvation did allow me to be forgiven. It did allow me the right to call upon my heavenly father and have a direct relationship with him.
Till this day I still struggle with perfectionism. I think it is something I will always struggle with. When my life took another turn a few years ago all the trauma and life experience I went through caught up with me. I experience major bouts of depression and overwhelming anxiety. With this struggle I made another decision to get as close to God as I could, no matter the cost. I did this by reading His word and searching for truth. Truth to what he really sees as perfection. What His expectations of me really were. And I found these verses with a few more.
Now the God of peace, that brought again from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great shepherd of the sheep, through the blood of the everlasting covenant, Make you perfect (Thoroughly complete) in every good work to do his will, working in you that which is well pleasing in his sight, through Jesus Christ; to whom be glory for ever and ever. Amen. Hebrews 13:20-21
As for God, his way is perfect: the word of the Lord is tried: he is a buckler to all those that trust in him. For who is God save the Lord? Or who is a rock save our God? It is God that girdeth me with strength an maketh my way perfect (my life, my journey, without spot, and complete). Psalm 18:30-32
God’s blood alone makes me perfect. With me accepting His sacrifice of his son and choosing to live my best life as a Christian, God works his will. God doesn’t say we need to be perfect. God says He is perfect and if we trust in him, he will give us the strength to battle this life and through our journey He will make our lives complete and perfect. It takes a journey. A lifetime of learning. It takes time in your life to grow and complete you. The potter is patient and willing to keep trying no matter how many times we flatten out and fail to stand. All the experiences, the imperfections, the judgement from others has grown me and my relationship with the Lord. It has caused me to search for answers and with that search has come a life not worried so much about being perfect. Let face it, there is no way I will ever be perfect in everyone’s eyes. The more I try the more I fail. Instead of wasting my time trying to be perfect, I will spend my time living like I am loved and forgiven. So, in order to be perfect in God’s eyes I will move forward in my relationship with him. First to be humble and honest for my choices and who I am as a person. Once I became honest, the Lord was able to move in my life in ways I never thought possible. I am free to be me! Flaws and all, and as I grow in my relationship with God, everything just comes together. I can’t explain how, but I can encourage and support you in your journey to lay perfection aside and embrace this wonderful freedom you can have in Christ.
P.S. Notice I didn't use the word mistake, but imperfect choices. I do not believe my son was a mistake and will never use that title to describe him. Both of my children are a blessing from God. Through trusting me with their lives and upbringing it has brought me closer to Him and shown me how much love plays an impact our our lives in the most beautiful ways. At the age of 38 I had a complete hysterectomy due to sever endometriosis. My doctor said it was the worse case she had seen in 10 years and couldn't have had more children if I wanted them. He gave me a blessing when I didn't know I would have wanted or needed it. God is good all the time!
This morning I woke up feeling blah. I don’t understand how this happens, but last night I randomly slept all night. Now don’t get me wrong I am very thankful for this but, my mind was still going. I dreamed all night. Usually crazy stuff, but I woke up still feeling tired, so I guess I didn’t sleep deep enough? Sometimes this happens and I hate it. I feel tired and don’t want to do anything and just don’t care, which is not who I really am. It is nice to have days that I don’t feel like I have to get a list of 10 things done in order to feel some accomplishment for the day, but with the feeling of blahness comes a hint of anxiety. Anxious that if I don’t get this blahness under control my depression will overtake me. So, I try to push that anxious thought aside and replace it with other thoughts. “This is just for today”, “All you need to think about is getting through this day”, “There is nothing that says this will carry on through the week, or month”, “It is just about today.”
So, what can I do to concentrate on just today? Well, I can concentrate on eating good today. Ya’ll my diet is so crazy it would give the strongest person the greatest panic attack of their life. No dairy, no eggs, no gluten, no beef, no pork, no fruit, no sugar. You might as well put me in a cage and feed me bird seed. Wait, I can’t have nuts or seeds either. So, what will it be? Today its gonna be a moderate compromise. A little bit of gluten, some grilled chicken, some, carrots, and potatoes, and lots of water. All I need to worry about is food for today. What else can I think about for today? Taking each moment as it comes. Pay attention to conversations. Take time to talk to others. Get up and move every hour or two. Find a small project that is not overwhelming and force yourself to do it if necessary. Go for a walk outside or on the treadmill. Color a picture. Watch a movie. Mix it up. Don’t just sit and do nothing all day. Take a few moments to sit then do something then sit again. Find a balance. Today its all about the balance. Yes, it is going to be hard. I will have to force myself to get up. I will have to force myself to cook my food. I will have to force myself to get dressed. I will have to force myself to start any project. I will fight those feelings and overwhelming emotions that say, “I don’t feel like it, I am too tired.”
Today it is all about doing 3 things. Just 3.
Cook, get dressed, 1 coloring page. Or,
cook, get dressed, go to church. Or,
cook, get dressed, take a walk. Or,
cook, get dressed, journaling or blogging. Or,
eat leftovers, take a shower, go get groceries.
Whatever it is that gets you up and moving a little is good enough for today. Yes, it will be hard, and yes it will take a lot of energy I feel I don’t have. As I do things more energy will come. I wont worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has troubles of its own. Its all about today and that is kind of refreshing. No expectations for tomorrow, no worries about what comes next. Just today!!!
Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself.Matthew 6:34
by keri payne 